Everyday since getting my bfp Ive thought about and dreamt of the moment I will hold our baby in my arms, hold him or her closely to me and take in a big breath of that new baby smell. Everyday I've said to myself I will enjoy of second of this pregnancy and not wish it pass by in a whirlwind of passing time.
I thought the day we saw the little baby on the agreed during the first scan I would immediately believe that bfp was real, yet the 5 week and the 8 week didn't really satisfy that doubt.
Weeks later, a Cheeky 13 week bouncing baby, opening and closing his mouth, wriggling his bum and not really working with the sonagrapher to get the perfect view, made me smile, giggle, even brought a tear to my eye..... yet still that doubt niggling away at me, not always, mostly just fleeting, but still there hiding away in the back of that little mind of mine.
A trip to babies r us... a cot, changing table, car seat, travel cot and bottles later..... all spent up and excited about decorating athe nursery eventually..... but just a matter of days later, I'm on the phone to mike, tears streaming down my eyes as I fear the pain I'm feeling signifies the end of this journey.... for now anyway. Reassured by the Dr everything is ok, my smile is back but the doubt remains, hiding in the background.
A trip to the baby show and I wander round smiling and cooing over babies everywhere. A feeling quite alien to me as I resalised smiles replaced my grimace and wide opened eyes in place of the tears normally tumbling through squinted eyes. My heart racing with joy and excitement instead if anger, pain and fear.
we buy a doppler, and later as I lay there listening to a second beating heart, checking my own to reassure that doubt again, I smile and my mind wanders with visions of what the future may bring.
Well this morning, that feeling I've been longing for finally came. I realised, I was stood there transfixed by a bump... a home that encloses my growing baby. Water tumbling down that bump, shower drops and tears. Hands wrapping round a baby so longed for and loved. That feeling of doubt not there, just completely overcome with hope and excitement, but most of all with love at our very precious, miracle baby, getting bigger and bigger by the day.... and each day we get nearer to the day we get to hold you in our arms, hold you tightly to us and take in a big breath of that new baby smell. Xxx
No comments:
Post a Comment