a year on from a very traumatic 11 days - 12/06/2011

this time last year we were in a very different place to were we are now. it was a very diffuclt, painful and unhappy time for us for the follwoing reasons.

i held hubbys hand as we had just very unexpectedly found out about his very poor sperm count, morphology and motility and were told it was very unlikely we would ever conceive naturally but to remind ourselves there was some sperm there so with the help of ivf icsi we still had a chance of becoming parents one day.

the following day i had cervical biopsies for my abnormal smear and was dreading to be told my cervical changes were progressing again (previously at cin stage 2). following the mess i got in after the last treatment, i was so scare during the procedure and i remember just looking at hubby for some reassurance that i was going to be ok, this time him holding my hand but the fear in his face as he saw how much pain i was in said it all. luckily this time the changes weren't as progressed and i didnt require any further treatment.

so then after having 9 days to recover from that i had my 3rd laparoscopy surgery. this time to be told both ovaries were attached to my pelvic wall from the endo nd there was more in other places too. i took 7 weeks to fully recover after this one, but we kept the hope by reminding ourselves that me being endo free ( for however long it lasts) meant 2 things: firstly i would be pain free (hopefully) for our wedding and honeymoon, and secondly that i now had a better chance of holding onto a baby when we started ivf.
so a year on from those horrendous 11 days, we are married, had a fantastic day with all of our friends and family and then went on to have a wonderful honeymoon, and we now have our own little person on the way. so those awful 11 days are a matter of history, a distant memory filled wih heart ache and pain; but heartache and pain we overcame and i believe shows the courage and strength our relationship has. i love my husband very much, he has always stuck my me throughout my ill health and continues to do so now. i know he will make a fabulous daddy and i can't wait for that day to come.

4 BIG kicks - 08/06/2011

so for a few weeks ive been feeling flutters and popping and almost a turning feeling inside your lickle house, but tonight, we were laid watching tv, daddy was asleep next to us after a very hard day at work, when you kicked me! twice!!!! it felt so strange, i just paused the tv, looked down at my tummy and you did it again!!!!! i started to giggle, and i woke daddy and told him that ou just kicked me, it was so much stronger then anything i have felt before and i just sat laughing. daddy sleepily smiled as i described it to him, i just wish he could feel it too. after a very hard week and feeling quite low, you have just cheered m up so much, giving me that little reminder that you are here.

mummy loves you very much and can't wait to feel you kicking me so strongly again
xxxxx

the moment i realised i'm going to be a mummy - 22/05/2011

Everyday since getting my bfp Ive thought about and dreamt of the moment I will hold our baby in my arms, hold him or her closely to me and take in a big breath of that new baby smell. Everyday I've said to myself I will enjoy of second of this pregnancy and not wish it pass by in a whirlwind of passing time.

I thought the day we saw the little baby on the agreed during the first scan I would immediately believe that bfp was real, yet the 5 week and the 8 week didn't really satisfy that doubt.

Weeks later, a Cheeky 13 week bouncing baby, opening and closing his mouth, wriggling his bum and not really working with the sonagrapher to get the perfect view, made me smile, giggle, even brought a tear to my eye..... yet still that doubt niggling away at me, not always, mostly just fleeting, but still there hiding away in the back of that little mind of mine.

A trip to babies r us... a cot, changing table, car seat, travel cot and bottles later..... all spent up and excited about decorating athe nursery eventually..... but just a matter of days later, I'm on the phone to mike, tears streaming down my eyes as I fear the pain I'm feeling signifies the end of this journey.... for now anyway. Reassured by the Dr everything is ok, my smile is back but the doubt remains, hiding in the background.

A trip to the baby show and I wander round smiling and cooing over babies everywhere. A feeling quite alien to me as I resalised smiles replaced my grimace and wide opened eyes in place of the tears normally tumbling through squinted eyes. My heart racing with joy and excitement instead if anger, pain and fear.

we buy a doppler, and later as I lay there listening to a second beating heart, checking my own to reassure that doubt again, I smile and my mind wanders with visions of what the future may bring.

Well this morning, that feeling I've been longing for finally came. I realised, I was stood there transfixed by a bump... a home that encloses my growing baby. Water tumbling down that bump, shower drops and tears. Hands wrapping round a baby so longed for and loved. That feeling of doubt not there, just completely overcome with hope and excitement, but most of all with love at our very precious, miracle baby, getting bigger and bigger by the day.... and each day we get nearer to the day we get to hold you in our arms, hold you tightly to us and take in a big breath of that new baby smell. Xxx

12 week scan, lickle moon you fatty!!! - 09/05/2011

well just got back from 12 week scan... you are so beautiful, stubborn! but beautiful. you were laid on your tummy so the lady couldnt measure you so she jiggled and jiggled you but you were not moving onto your back. instead you stuck your bum out to her and rolled back onto your tummy. so off we went for a little walk, had a fizzy drink and pretended to do some hula hooping and by the time we got back you were laid nicely on your back, perfectly for her to meaure you.

at what should be 12 weeks and 5 days you are measuring 13 weeks!!! clearly those naughty take aways are helping you to become a not so little lickle moon.

your heartbeat is perfect, and your little nose is so cute. you kept opening and closing your mouth which made your mummy giggle. you are just perfect, and i had a few tears seeing you there so big.
so no wonder mummys getting such a bump so quickly!!!

lots of huggle, kisses and cuddles from your mummy xxx

12 weeks tomorrow - 03/05/2011

Tomorrow lickle moon i will be 12 whole weeks pregnant. Can you believe it? I can't! It still seems like yesterday the nurse was telling me it had worked, you had stuck, you are there in my tummy growing into a beautiful baby. From the size of pin prick (well even smaller really) to now being the size of a plum.

The last 8 weeks since that day have continued to be an emtional rollercoaster, days where i have convinced myself you are no longer there and have cried myself into such a state daddy hasn't known what to do with me.... then theres the days were all i talk about is you and daddy's sat there listening to my arguments as to why you deserve the most expensive pram in the shop to travel around in style (daddy thinks this is actually just a fashion statement for me and is NOT buying into a £900 pram lol). ... then theres been nights like tonight, were those very nasty hormones take over and turn me into what daddy recently referred to me as the 'devil incarnate'. OOOPS!

We get to see you again on Monday morning, we can't wait. Yesterday daddy was watching 'Jess and Friends' on CBEEBies, when i asked what he was dong he said he was getting into practice for when you get here then insisted we go sit next to him so you could hear it too. Bless him, you Daddys never fails to suprise me.... of course we wont tell his 20+ very manly friends of your daddys sunday morning activites hehe.

Being the overly eager mummy i am, i started to make you a patchwork quilt today, as i sat there sewing the squares together, i highlighted to daddy i am doing this by hand, not using the sewing machine upstairs. i hope you like it.

So one last thing to record in todays journal and thats a picture of mummy's already apparent bump!

You're convincing everyone there is more then one of you in there!
Lots of love, huggles and kisses from your mummy xxxx

lickle moons 8 week scan - 06/04/2011

daddy saw you for the first time since you would put back in mummys tummy today (ive already had a coule of sneaky peaks hehe) and it was so so special to see you again. it took a minute to find you because you have tucked yourself right up in the corner. you have changed so much from a little ball of cells on the day we first saw you, into what looks lik a mouse hehe. but i dont think lickle mouse sounds as cute so lickle moon will have to stick.

we could see your heart beating and the shape of your head, distinguished from the shape of your tummy, where your legs and arms are just starting to grow. at last weeks scan you measured 6weeks and 3 days (that was 8 days ago), now you measure 7 weeks and 6 days. so you're growing very well. we are lucky though, becasue if you had measured 8 weeks like you actually are today, then we wouldn't have got to see you again in 4 weeks time.

the nurse at the ivf clinic said that they are very very happy for us and would like us to take you to them when you are here so they can have a cuddle. they have discharged us now so hopefully we wont see them until you are born in november. we have to ring the midwife team tomorrow to request anti-natal care but because you're a special ivf baby we have to be looked after by a consultant, not the midwife. don't really know what that means for us, but hopefully it means they are going to treat you like the very special baby that you are.

so unofficially you are due on the 17th November but we will find out exactly when you are due when we have your next scan - not that that means anything really because daddy has already decided such a special baby decides to have a very special date for his birthday, so he thinks you're coming on th 11th of the 11th of the 11th (11/11/11)

so big cuddles from mummy and daddy and we'll see you again in 4 weeks my darling lickle moon xxxx

had a major freakout - 27/03/2011

What a day! I woke up feeling not pregnant, I'd convinced myself that was it, I'm not pregnant. Got I. The shower, noticed my boobs weren't hurting anymore and I felt normal. I then went on to have a panic attack in the shower, couldn't breathe and just kept sobbing. Hubby was out so I rang I'm and he told me to stop being silly. So I rang my mam, she calmed me down and persuaded me to get dried and dressed. By time hubby cake.home u was half ready to go out when I burst into reds again cos no towels were dry, then again cos I don't like my hair. Spoke to mil who also tried to calm me down and asked me what would.make feel better and nothing would. I have since realised I stopped my pessaries 3 days ago and it is likely the symptoms they were causing are what have stopped. We have been out for lunch with the in laws and all way through I felt really dizzy and hot and nauseous. Before going to lunch we nipped to Morrison and got a clear blue with conception. Indicator. I just did that and it says 3 plus weeks since conception so that 5 plus weeks pg, I'm 7 week on Tuesday but as that's the highest the cb goes up to I will just have to accept that everything is still ok. The result came up in 30 seconds so again I'm guessing that's a good sign. So I need to chill. What will ne will be, im just petrified something is going to go wrong. :o(

oh lickle moon - 10/03/2011

just over 3 hours ago i was told you have stuck!!!!!!! daddy is really worried because of the 6 hours last year when we thought we were pregnant only to be told that the blood test was negative. daddy is really worried the same is going to happen this time,. i really hope not. we're just waiting on the blood test results now..... please please please be real.

i think when daddy made a sausage sandwich on monday and it made me gag so much i had to sit with my blanket over my face till he'd finished eating it, that i knew then. i've had lots of cramps, and my boobs are so a bit like when my period is due but no where near as bad.

yesterday i spent half the time laid down because i kept going so dizzy, you obviously wanted mummy to be a lazy bum and rest because you knew something was wrong with me even though i chose to ignore the signs. when i woke up at 3 am unable to breathe properly, feeling like i had a belt wrapped around my chest, i knew then something definitely wasn't right. so for the rest of the early hours of the morning, i laid awake concentrating on how to breathe again.

i got to the clinic for 9am and the nurse took one look at me and said i looked very pale and obviously was unwell. she took my blood pressure which was high and my pulse was very very fast. she got me laid down and said she wanted to wait for the main nurse to come see me. when she got out of her meeting, she also took one look at me and said right, lets get some bloods done. i must have known she would need a urine sample cos i collected my first wee this morning and took it with me. off the nurses went and i could hear them discussing me. i heard the first nurse say 'oo.... shall i still do a hcg bloods?' i thought oh no its negative. it hasn't worked. then i thought, but it definitely hasn't been 3 minutes, the other nurse said yeh we'll confirm it.

5 minutes later they came back to take my bloods, the second nurse took my hand and said we think you're suffering with ohss, which at this stage it can be managed at home but we need to do a lot of tests. we know why you have it at this point though and its because of this ..(she showed me the test)... you have a positive pregnancy test

oo oo oo the nurse just interrupted our writing, little moon your definitely sticky. my hcg level is 334! she said thats really really good, and actually a bit higher then they would expect it to be at this point. ive rang daddy, he's excited now. he said he can't jump around though like he would like to cos he's at work and everyone will look at him funny and ask questions hehe.

oh lickle moon, please stay with us. its the tale of mrs tittlemouse tonight, as daddy says 'are you sitting comfortably? then we'll begin'. xx

going nutty - 05/03/2011

well i have 1 week left till testing.... and ive already convinced myself its over. i have all my normal af symptoms, period pains, heavy feeling round my cervix, itchy breasts, very tired amd sort of weepy.
NEED to stop symptom spotting, but my pma is waning and  i just want the wait to be over. hubby just keeps saying to stop worrying and looking for and analysing every symptom. i asked about what if it doesnt work, he just said then we'll try again, my immediate response was i dont want to. i want this one to work, then i cried... again lol.

today i was looking after my 2 year old niece and we were talking about disney land, she said its only for big girls, so i said 'i can go, i'm a big girl'.... she said 'no, you're a mummy'. i managed a smile amd a giggle but was floored inside.

putting a front on for everyone is so tiring. everytime someone asks how im feeling and how things are going i want to scream and cry and shout, but i smile and say yeh, great.

so ive managed another rant, 7 days to go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

overwhelmed and crying - 26/02/2011

sat crying... why? not sure. feeling pretty overwhelmed. after a week of wonder when ec would be to having ec on wednesday, all went well but was left with another wait to find out if we had any embryo's growing. call today to tell us we have 10 embryos! 9 doing really well, 9!!!!!!

so i had a lovely day out, feeling very upbeat, went and had a fish foot massage with my mum and aunty, did a bit of retail therapy and then went and had a nice lunch. came home and relaxed until my girly friends came round for takeaway and a good old catch up.

my mood is suddenly very deflated. i'm super tired cos havent slept in 2 nights and even before then my sleep was patchy. i'm in a lot of discomfort still with my tummy but nothing unbearable.

and ..... well i guess its suddenly dawning on me that this cycle is coming to an end. all the energy and effort i have found to put into this thing over the last several weeks and now its nearly over. and suddenly i'm thinking what if it doesn't work. all along i've thought 'it will work', 'it has to work' and now i can feel doubt. even though i tried to be realistic and tell myself it might not work, i dont think i believed it. and now, its there, this giant black cloud of doubt asking 'what if?'.

my embie isnt even back with me yet and i'm doubting. not my embryo, but myself. what if i cant keep it, what if it doesn't want to stay with us. what if my womb is inhospitable! i know i have no control over this, and having a negative outlook will definitely not help. so i need to find some positivity. some reassurance that if it does work it will be amazing, but if it doesn't, i can get through it and i can find the strength to pick myself up and try again.

i think the progesterone is definitely playing havoc - we never really get on lol. my boobs are back to watermelon size, rock hard and hurt like hell.

i suddenly feel really vulnerable and needy. where's my strength and independence hiding? hopefully a good nights sleep will help me find it and pull myself together. if not i will sit and wallow in self pity for the next couple of days until someone beats the misery out of me.
night xxx

egg collection day - 23/02/2011

Well its the morning of ec. I am currently laying in bed thinking as soon as I step foot out of bed the day will begin, last night I had a whole host of thoughts whooshing round my head but decided to try and focus on one thing..... let's get some bloody eggs before we choose the secondary school my child will attend.

 

Gonna get a shower, pack my back then try and relax by listening to some music, going to take my ipod with me and hope ill be allowed to listen to it to keep me relaxed. I have so many questions, ranging from should I remove my nail varnish and what should I wear to how many eggs will they get and what if none of them fertilise. So........ what's the saying again? Oh Yeh....... EYES ON THE PRIZE!

recap of journey so far - 21/02/2011

well as my injecting comes to an end for this cycle, i thought i'd do a quick re-cap of my journey so far.
6 months after your first appointment with the fertility specialist, i started down regging. i left the clinic feeling very proud of myself after i injected my tummy all by myself and for the next 3 weeks i continued to do them with no problems at all. my down regging scan showed i as all ready to start stims which i started on 11th feb with the expectation of ec being on the 25th.

by the 15th i bad a lot of pain and called the clinic who gave me an early scan n 16th - i had 13 follies all were growing nicely - pain most likely caused by my ever so sensitive right ovary

so second scan on 18th showed the 13 follies still there but only 9 had continued to grow - still a very good number and was hoping to have ec brought forward to 23rd.

third and final scan today - i now have 17 follies!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 15 of which they think they should be able to use and egg collection is now booked for wednesday at 10.15am!!!!!!!!!!!!

everything seems really strange now. i cant describe my emotions - i feel anxious but mostly numb. i didnt sleep a wink last night and all i keep thinking was in 1 week my embie(s) will be back with me and then im just waiting.,...waiting.....and waiting a bit more.......

i guess im scared now, ive managed most of the way through this to feel positive about it working but now i guess the reality is hitting home that it might not and then i'll have to start over.

everyone around me keeps saying ive done so well - but i feel like they all expected me to crumble under the pressure of the whole experience and instead i feel like ive found strength i didnt know i had. dont get me wrong - ive had my meltdowns, but i expected them to be a daily occurrence and they havent been.
i know i still have a long way to go and its not over yet, but that long flow chart i was given by the clinic is now almost redundant - i'm at the bottom and then ive got to just sit tight, read my lovely peter rabbit books to our embie and just hope with all the hope we can find that it wants to stick around with us. we're not perfect but there is one thing for sure, we will love this baby more then anything in the world. we promise to do our very bestest at being a mummy and daddy.

so ec on wedneday then et on friday, saturday or monday depending on how they get on. fc for the next weeks adventures
xxx

dear baby - 11/02/2011

you may think this is silly, because, well.... you don't exist yet. but tonight mummy bought you the peter rabbit books - a set of 23 books to read to you. in 2-3 weeks when you get put back inside me, we are going to read you a story every night. we want you to feel like you're all cosy and at home, and show you what you can look forward to if you stay with us. its not going to be an easy ride, we know that, but thats why the stories will hopefully help to comfort you and help to comfort mummy and daddy in this crazy journey.

by the time we have found out if you're staying with us, we will be half way through the books. so to hear the rest, you're going to have to stick around hehe. we can keep reading them until you grow inside me and you can hear my voice, then you will be able to let me know which ones you like and which ones you don't by giving me the odd kick here and there - not too hard mind, mummy's only little. then soon, when you're here in mummy and daddy's arms, we promise to keep reading to you, just like mummys daddy read to her when she was little. there are lots more stories we csn read too, about magical creatures, and prince and princesses, and animals that talk - like the lion king, one of mummys favourites.

so, the books will be here one day next week, so we will get them all ready for you for when you come home. please stay with us. we promise to love you lots and lots.
love mummy and daddy xxx

started stimming - 11/02/1011

well........... first injection done. i couldn't do it myself. i just started to cry. so hubby did it for me, it hurt. a lot. stupid skinny little matchstick legs. i cried afterwards, not just from the pain, but from everything it means. thats it, its one step closer to that BFP!
xx

having a meltdown - 10/02/2011

i'm in a right old state with myself. in july we were told i was pg then 6 hours later i was told the blood tests confirmed actually i wasn't. 2 positive urine tests were wrong. i wasn't given any answers so didnt know what i think. i researched it and found out it had prob been a very early miscarriage which my gp confirmed and the nurse at the ivf clinic also agreed with. because i never knew what to think i never allowed myself to grieve cos it felt silly to when i didn't even know for sure.

but i just realised next week was my due date - i'd worked it out in the 6 hours i was pg. it's set me off crying and now i can't stop! i feel like im about to have a panic attack which i haven't had in years and now i'm terrified about my treatment not working. i know i have no control over it what so ever and stressing is not going to help at all but i have this overwhelming sense of fear and i can't breathe.

ive just spent 20 minutes on the phone with my mum crying and she just kept saying be positive and she was really trying to help but i feel sick.

we're supposed to be going to meet our friends son tonight and ive just text my hubby and told him i cant go. i'll probably freak out.

i don't know what to do with myself. i need to breathe - thats a good starting place.

ready, steady, stimming - 04/02/2011

well not quite, my womb lining is nice and thin, my ovaries are down regulated, i have lots of nice little follies all waiting to say hello but due to clinic having to fit me in with all their other patients, i can't start stimming until next Friday. little bit peaved but hey ho, nothing i can do about it. i have to inject 2 vials of meronial, so one syringe, into my thighs. i feel physically sick at the thought of it, my skinny little legs are gonna look a mess. and i imagine i will be piercing the bone a few times hehe, i'm sooooooo dramatic

i have a small (approx 1.7cm) endo cyst on my right ovary but they've said it's nothing to worry about and won't affect anything. if it grows they'll either work round it or they'll drain it, but the follies are growing nicely round it so its not a worry.

i have my first scan on the 18th - so 2 days from today and i will be having ec at the earliest 21st Feb and hopefully at latest 25th. So by 11th -15th March i will know if it's worked or not. 3ish more weeks to go!!!
xx

feeling very proud of myself - 20/01/2011

the last couple of days have been really quite difficult but today we went along for our down regging appointment. i was really nervous and dreading the injections. the nurse showed us how to draw up the syringe using a green needle (argh - a big fat one, glad im not sticking that in me lol) and then to change it to a small yellow one. im on 0.5ml of Buserelin once daily into my tummy. She demonstrated using a pretend tummy and then i was allowed a go myself. i expected to sit there hovering over my tummy for half an hour until my mike had to finally do it, but i just pushed it straight in at the 45 degree angle shown
afterwards, my skin started to get really itchy and had a red rash but she said that was normal and it would go down which it did quickly. mike said he was very very proud of me and gave me a big hug and kiss.

we then had a mock embryo transfer and this was fine - she got the catheter in very easily and it didn't hurt - just felt a little strange.

im feeling very proud of myself for doing my own injection, i thought i would be really squeamish but to do it myself i felt like i suddenly had some control over this whole damn treatment malarky.

after hospital my fabulous hubby took me to the pandora shop and bought me a charm - its a little elephant. its very very cute.

so second injection to be done tonight - just need to decide on a time and then to do one every night until the 4th Feb. Oooooo, im so excited. xxx

don't rock the boat 07/01/2011

i have taken a mini break from the ivf rollercoaster and have hopped onto the ivf boat. rather then lots of big dips up and down I'm treading the rocky waters until something very small happens and then i feel like I'm about to capsize.....ok so less of the metaphors.

my period started on the 30th december and i had to start the pill the following day (bearing in mind i've never really got on with the pill and shouldn't even really tale it due to my migraines)
i had to then  call the clinic when they opened on the 4th after xmas. i rang expecting to be told when my appointment would be to go in for my injector pack and my mock embryo transfer, instead i was told i'd receive my appointment in the post. well it finally arrived yesterday and we have our down regging appointment on 20th and first scan on the 4th.
well anyways aside from my boobs now bulging over my bra , lovely side effect of the pill, i feel like i may burst in to tears at each and every second of the day. i feel sooooooo on edge all the time, and the smallest thing can tip me over the edge. went to asda the other night and saw the baby section of clothes, i had to turn straight away otherwise i would have blubbed everywhere.

and then i suppose the last thing i needed was my labour dream. ive dreamt so many times about being pregnant but never about actually giving birth. it all felt so real, i felt my waters break, i felt and saw the babies head coming out and then my mum (who delivered him) passed him to me just as i felt like i was about to pass out and i opened my eyes just a split second before he opened his, i burst into tears. i woke up crying. my whole body ached like i had really experienced it all, i couldn't stop shaking. now every time i close my eyes to sleep i see him, opening his eyes. i hate dreams, especially ones that feel so real.
i cant quite decide if im doing well that im still keeping things together, or that im doing shit that i might break at any moment.

meeting my milestones 19/12/2010

when i was really young, (maybe 9 or 10) i set myself a 15 year plan. i would finish school, go to college, go to uni, get myself a career and at some point within all that i would fall in love. but more specifically, i said i wanted to be married when i was 24 and have a baby when i was 25. don't ask me why i chose these ages but i did. everyone thought i was mad when in my late teens i dreamt of getting married, settling down and having children; whilst my friends hadn't even planned further past their Wednesday night out at the nearest student club.

but i stuck to my dream and my life plans and finished college, met my now husband, went to university and now have a job i absolutely love. from the outside it probably looks like i got everything i wanted, and i guess i did. but it wasn't easy. i struggled with depression all the way through my teens and even now i have my bad days.

in September i got married, i was 24. when my fiance had told me i had to wait another year to get married, i acted like the spoilt brat i sometimes can be until he agreed we could do it this year. never did i tell him i had 'milestones' to meet lol. so, i did it. i met my penultimate goal.

today i turn 25. my final goal still needing to be met. i want to be a mummy. i haven't had an easy ride, but I've always fought for what i want! i don't expect the next year to be any easier then the last 15. but i have got through some really dark and difficult times and i know that deep down i have the strength to get through this too. I'm pretty sure the tears i have had so far will not be my last, and I'm certain that my strength and courage will feel minimal on occasion. but i will do it, and if i don't meet my goal and i turn 26 and I'm still not a mummy.... i WILL keep going. one day i WILL be a mummy, whether I'm 25, 26, 27, 28, 29..............................