this time last year i was laid up with the worst hangover of my life after
one very very messy hen night. after spending the last 10 minutes looking for a
picture to post with this jounral, it seems too many of them needed censoring as
they are very X rated!!! lol. so this is the most sedate one i can find, one of
the few that doesnt have my knickers on show....
hanging from a bar (literally) in a pub in town, showing the world behind me my bottom (oooops)
Although from my description of my hen nght i may sound like i once was a real party girl... this couldn't be further from the truth. i loved to go out, to dance, to sing, to show off my best assets (wink wink) but never did it that much and preferred the glamming up that came before it. hours i'd spend shopping, looking for the perfect party dress, matching 6 inch heels and of course the bag, jewellery and even a new eye shadow all to match. then out to dance the night away, quite often still standing in my 6 inch heels at 2 in the morning as i waitied for a taxi. it's how i met my hubby and its how i spent time having fun with my girl friends.
over the years i danced less and less, so much so, at times i now feel like a drunken monkey throwing my arms and legs around on the dance floor.... i seem to have lost my co-ordination and style.
my weight has yo-yo'ed and at times been far too low, my health has never been particularly great (small understatement haha), and the times when the pain and anxiety of infertility took its toll left me looking ...well like crap!
but last year when we finally got our referral through, when we finally got the answers that i needed, i took back some control of my self and started to make that effort i once used to take with my self. as i began a journey i knew i was going to have very little control over, i figured the only thing i could do was find a way to be strong and feel good about myself. that step started with taking each day one at a time, and starting the year out as i hoped to continue it...... yes that meant my extensions were back... as were the false lashes, lashings of make up, sparkly clothes and of course my trusty 6 inch heels (fancy drss party - i dont normally look this OTT honestly)
suprisingly the first few weeks of treatment seemed fairly easy in some ways. the injections although the leg ones definitley hurt, were bareable, knowing that each drawn up syringe, each needle in my tummy, each day that past ...... all one step closer to our baby been with us.
then the day came where we finally saw our baby for the first time, just a blob of cells, resembling nothing other (to us) a lickle moon. so the name stuck
and as we counted down those days till we tested and found out if our baby had held on, that strength and courage and excitement i had been desperate to hold onto at the start of the year would come and go. to be told 10 days later lickle moon had stayed with us... i cant describe how it makes me feel, there are no words in my vocabulary that are meaningful and strong enough to give justice to my emotions.
but to then watch my baby grow from this tiny blob to this
then this..
then this...
has been magical.
and to see my tummy grow from this when i first started to grow my lickle moon bump...
to this just this weekend...
well.... it still astounds me everyday that this has happened, i still expect to wake up from the dream to find out its not real.
pregnancy has brought with it so many ups and downs, and it has changed me as a person in many ways... as i looked at my finger nails yesterday during the 3 hour drive back home from a family wedding, i noticed i hadn't even shaped and filed them for the day. even worse, i had left remnants of old (luckily clear) polish on them from our last wedding 3 weeks ago. a year ago i wouldnt have left the house with chipped nail polish. never in the past would i have turned upto a wedding in a pair of flat shoes, they were always my focal point so had to be FABULOUS, this weekend i wore peach ballerina pumps, a bump brace and spent the day either using crutches or in a wheelchair .... couldnt be further from the glamourous days of the past.
i spend most of my days in 'comfy' clothes, and the only pictures i now take are of my ever expanding bump. i look in the mirror and see a tired, chubby girl
taking on the daily mundane battles of life again, what washing to do, which room to try and clean first, what money do i have.... combined with the tiredness and aching of the physical effects of been pregnant. and then of course theres the newfound battle of work and been unable to go due to my health.
but as i battle my emotions over what steps to take next, i realised last night that i'm not the same person anymore.
i'm not the 18 year old girl trying to impress everyone around her with my fabulous fashion and diva dance moves.
i'm not everyone elses keeper and can't be all things to all people.
wearing six inch heels and having perfectly groomed nails made me feel beautiful .... but now i'm going to be a mummy.
some people will say you shouldn't lose yourself just because your a mummy, that you shouldnt change who you are just because you have a child. but my dream was to become a mummy, and as the days to that reality get closer i know i am about to start the next stage of my life and i do not know what that will hold... but i know i have to stop trying to predict it. start taking one day at a time again and when my dreams finally do become real.... new dreams will grow and develop to allow those one day become a reality too.
so for now i will make all attmepts to be a yummy mummy xx
hanging from a bar (literally) in a pub in town, showing the world behind me my bottom (oooops)
Although from my description of my hen nght i may sound like i once was a real party girl... this couldn't be further from the truth. i loved to go out, to dance, to sing, to show off my best assets (wink wink) but never did it that much and preferred the glamming up that came before it. hours i'd spend shopping, looking for the perfect party dress, matching 6 inch heels and of course the bag, jewellery and even a new eye shadow all to match. then out to dance the night away, quite often still standing in my 6 inch heels at 2 in the morning as i waitied for a taxi. it's how i met my hubby and its how i spent time having fun with my girl friends.
over the years i danced less and less, so much so, at times i now feel like a drunken monkey throwing my arms and legs around on the dance floor.... i seem to have lost my co-ordination and style.
my weight has yo-yo'ed and at times been far too low, my health has never been particularly great (small understatement haha), and the times when the pain and anxiety of infertility took its toll left me looking ...well like crap!
but last year when we finally got our referral through, when we finally got the answers that i needed, i took back some control of my self and started to make that effort i once used to take with my self. as i began a journey i knew i was going to have very little control over, i figured the only thing i could do was find a way to be strong and feel good about myself. that step started with taking each day one at a time, and starting the year out as i hoped to continue it...... yes that meant my extensions were back... as were the false lashes, lashings of make up, sparkly clothes and of course my trusty 6 inch heels (fancy drss party - i dont normally look this OTT honestly)
suprisingly the first few weeks of treatment seemed fairly easy in some ways. the injections although the leg ones definitley hurt, were bareable, knowing that each drawn up syringe, each needle in my tummy, each day that past ...... all one step closer to our baby been with us.
then the day came where we finally saw our baby for the first time, just a blob of cells, resembling nothing other (to us) a lickle moon. so the name stuck
and as we counted down those days till we tested and found out if our baby had held on, that strength and courage and excitement i had been desperate to hold onto at the start of the year would come and go. to be told 10 days later lickle moon had stayed with us... i cant describe how it makes me feel, there are no words in my vocabulary that are meaningful and strong enough to give justice to my emotions.
but to then watch my baby grow from this tiny blob to this
then this..
then this...
has been magical.
and to see my tummy grow from this when i first started to grow my lickle moon bump...
to this just this weekend...
well.... it still astounds me everyday that this has happened, i still expect to wake up from the dream to find out its not real.
pregnancy has brought with it so many ups and downs, and it has changed me as a person in many ways... as i looked at my finger nails yesterday during the 3 hour drive back home from a family wedding, i noticed i hadn't even shaped and filed them for the day. even worse, i had left remnants of old (luckily clear) polish on them from our last wedding 3 weeks ago. a year ago i wouldnt have left the house with chipped nail polish. never in the past would i have turned upto a wedding in a pair of flat shoes, they were always my focal point so had to be FABULOUS, this weekend i wore peach ballerina pumps, a bump brace and spent the day either using crutches or in a wheelchair .... couldnt be further from the glamourous days of the past.
i spend most of my days in 'comfy' clothes, and the only pictures i now take are of my ever expanding bump. i look in the mirror and see a tired, chubby girl
taking on the daily mundane battles of life again, what washing to do, which room to try and clean first, what money do i have.... combined with the tiredness and aching of the physical effects of been pregnant. and then of course theres the newfound battle of work and been unable to go due to my health.
but as i battle my emotions over what steps to take next, i realised last night that i'm not the same person anymore.
i'm not the 18 year old girl trying to impress everyone around her with my fabulous fashion and diva dance moves.
i'm not everyone elses keeper and can't be all things to all people.
wearing six inch heels and having perfectly groomed nails made me feel beautiful .... but now i'm going to be a mummy.
some people will say you shouldn't lose yourself just because your a mummy, that you shouldnt change who you are just because you have a child. but my dream was to become a mummy, and as the days to that reality get closer i know i am about to start the next stage of my life and i do not know what that will hold... but i know i have to stop trying to predict it. start taking one day at a time again and when my dreams finally do become real.... new dreams will grow and develop to allow those one day become a reality too.
so for now i will make all attmepts to be a yummy mummy xx
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