i missed it :-(

well finley you little monke.... its been 22 days since you first rolled over. this morning i left you on your special quilt that i made for you whilst i put the washing in th dryer, when i came back you ad moved....a lot!!!!!!



i rang daddy and told him and we talked about how clever you are because you can also move around in a circle when laid on your tummy. as i put th phone down to daddy i put you back to your starting place and off you went again, back to tummy to back to tummy. ive worked out you must have done 3 1/2 rolls the first time to get that far!

well done my lickle man, we are so so proud of you xxxxx

Mothers day eve....

Do you know that feeling you get when you're 7 years old, its Christmas eve and you're just far too excited to sleep? Well that's me right now. Only its not Christmas and I'm not 7. Instead its the night before mothers day. Last year we had just found out lickle moon had stuck. I had hoped for a card 'from the bump' but I don't get one, I did however get two signs for my car, one said 'back off I'm pregnant' quite fitting really considering the raging hormones.... the second 'mummy to be, Becky, on board'. We made keyrings for our mums with a picture of lickle moons embie in, they were very cute and still being used now.

I've already had my pressie but ill tell you more about that tomorrow. For now I'm going to bed and going to try and get some sleep.....

Extremely excited about being a mummy on mothers day :o)

will he ever....

its strange the things that trigger a train of thought...i remember before we started our ivf journey i was once walking around H&M, i saw a mannequin that had a bump... i found myself questioning why even this lump of plastic could get pregnant. i find it quite amusing now i think back, that an inanimate object could generate such an irrational response...yet there it was!

my hubby has recently started calling me 'becky want want', apparently i'm never happy and always wanting more. of course this is not a new thing, and something he has been aware of since we met almost 8 years ago. back then my main obsession being shoes, he'd help me find new excuses of why i had to buy the 75th pair of shoes ... then the 76th, 77th, 78th..... ironic really that the one thing i bacme so desperate for (pregnancy) left me unable to wear all those beautiful shoes.

anyway... back to the point of this entry..... morrisons have a new advert. theres a little girl running through the house into the kitchen, she reaches up to the magnets on the fridge, unable to reach, her big brother scoops her up and helps her...... this left me thinking. will finley ever get the chance to be a big brother? being the oldest of 3 i know this role only too well. how younger siblings drive you round the bend jumping up and down in front of the tv whilst you try to watch your favourite programme, or how they 'borrow' your new top only to ruin it before you get the chance to wear it yourself. but then when their boyfriend breaks their heart for the last time, there is an overwheming urge to protect them.

just over a year ago i was wondering if we'd ever become parents, if i would ever hold a baby of my own in my arms, and now as i sit here bouncing him on my knee that wonderment has changed just ever so slightly. part of me feels greedy for wanting more already, for asking when we can try again for a sibling for finley. but back as a child when i cradled my dolls, i never just had the one, and i never envisioned my adultlife with just the one either. dont get me wrong..... finley is my world and if we arent successful in the future i will still be the happiest mummy in the world to have been given the oppurtunity to be his mummy and share his life with him, but i want him to have a brother or sister to share it with.

so answering 'becky want wants' question of when can we try again, my hubby has agreed for us to make a referral again in january. in the mean time, i will continue to thoroughly enjoy every single second of my little man.

A year on....

I'm currently laid in bed, wide awake, I have been fighting sleep now for the past 4 hours. Strange really that I was in exactly the same position this date last year. Only I was struggling to breathe as my stomach expanded from the swelling of my ovaries. I didn't know it yet but I was suffering from ohss, or ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome. A painful condition where fluid fills the ovaries causing great pain, swelling and the need for rest and close observation by the medical team at the ivf clinic. But the silver lining for me at that point was that it was secondary ohss, triggered by the long awaited baby I had growing inside me.

Yes we were lucky by a successful first attempt but never will I forget the trials and tribulations of the ivf journey. Of the daily injections and the mood swings they caused..... the worry of it not working teamed with the excitement of what if?! ...... the friends that I made in the journeys we were taking together..... the 13 fertilized eggs that resulted in just 1 poor to average embie.....

then of course there's the friends that I lost in the run up to the trip..... the years that I cried each month my period came, not only marking another month of no pregnancy, but causing immense physical pain too..... the baby I had growing so briefly inside me that was also lost along the way.....

So a year down the line, laid in bed with a sore throat and pounding headache, wide awake and listening to the sound of my baby breathing in his crib next to me..... I wonder..... what will the next year bring?

what a way to mark 4 months!!!

well my little man, you are now a whole 4 months old. i dont kow where to start, so much has happened since my last entry.

after sleepong through for several weeks, you suddenly began waking every hour, hour and half for feeds. everyone kept saying it was just a growth spurt and you would soon settle back down but 3 weeks later, resembling nothing other then a zombie, we spoke to the health visitor again. 'just keep doing what you're doing' she said. you're putting one weight rally well, your meeting all your milestones and more and you're a very happy content little baby boy..... so 'just keep doing what you're doing' she said 'hes a big boy and he's hungry'. i was shattered!!!

at 15 weeks i gave in and tried you on a little baby rice at tea time, you quickly guzzled it down, smiling away with every mouthful. you slept through till 4 that night. once we reached 16 1/2 weeks we started on the fun stuff. potatoe - you liked that one....parsnip - well to say you were disgusted is an understatement hehe. you wolfed down the carrot too.

you giggle your little head off now, when mummy kisses your neck you giggle until i stop, then you look at me with your big blue eyes as if to say 'again again!!!!'. you giggle as we bounce along to the wheels on the bus and you dance along to 'its the mickey mouse club house.....'

you sit perfectly with support and will sit for 15 to 20 seconds unsupported. you are trying your hardest to pull yourself up when laying down. you want to stand a lot of the time you little monkey, just holding mummys hands you will stand there all proud. but we're trying not to encourage you to do this just yet.... but you wont listen! you are so nosy, you dont like to be laid down any more, you want to look around at the world surrounding you.

when you go to other people for cuddles, you watch me, just to make sure i'm not going anywhere then you settle into amusing them with your charming smile and beautiful big blue eyes, you talk away telling them stories. but you're really good and will stay with others without getting upset too.

so you turned 4 months old on monday, we were laying you on your side and you were rolling to your front. i sat back, leaving you on your back. you started to swing your legs over, again , again and again...... then you rolled!!!!! right over, all by yourself onto your tummy. you finished it off by pulling out your arm and pushing yourself up. very proud of yourself you smiled, very proud of you i cried, picked you up, cuddled you and told you what a very clever little boy you are.

the days are flying by!!! a year ago on the 10th we found out you had stuck! i cannot believe its over a year since your adventures began and already you're 4 months old.

love you with all my heart

love mummy xxx

13 weeks....a number we hold dear.....5/2/2012

well my not so little man, you are 13 weeks old today! throughout treatment we had so many number 13's ... ill see if i can remember them.

• i stimmed for 13 days
• we had 13 follies at our first scan
• i had 13 mature eggs
• you were put back in me in the 13th hour of the day
• my official test date was the 13th of feb (clinic put it back to 14th though cos 13th was a sunday and they werent open)
• at your 12 weeks scan you measured 13 weeks

the number 13 is thought to be very unlucky by some people but your daddy and I seem to get followed around by it and it has brought with it some amazing memories. we even flew from terminal 13 when we went on our honeymoon.....

in the last couple of weeks you have just amazed me by how much you have developed, your head is so strong now and you sit there following me around the room. you smile allllll the time, my heart just melts everytime you smile at me its so beautiful. you are trying to giggle but theyre not quite coming out yet, mummy had a silent laugh when i was a child tho (grandad used to take the mickey out of me) so maybe you are just copying me. we sit reading your 'black and white' book which you love. you bash your play gym and your pram toy which we just got you. you shout at me if im not paying you any attention for just a brief second and then smile the second i look at you (you're soooo cheeky!!!!) but the biggest thing we have learnt about you this last week is................... you're a telly addict!!!!!! no i am not leaving you sat in front of tv all day, but if its on you will sit and stare at the bright lights moving about on the big screen. its so funny how even when we're changing your nappy, your head is turned as far round as you can get it so you can see the bright lights lol. i put 10 minutes of the childrens channel on each morning and i have learnt you like the mickey mouse club house, you get excited when they sing 'hot dog, hot dog, hot diggity dog.......'.

a few firsts for this last week are: you can now push yourself up when laid on your tummy, but we cant leave you there for more then a couple of minutes becaue you really dont like tummy time, you're getting beter though. you also went to the seaside for the first time this week too, we went to hornsea and had fish and chips, oh we were sat at table number 13 too........ and lastly, you had your first ever professional photo shoot.... and guess what..... you would not smile at the poor photographer no matter what we tried. you just looked at him as if to say 'who are you in my house and why are you pointing that camera at me saying "peek-a-boo"'. we still got some lovely pics though, just not many of you smiling.

so my little mister man, today you are 13 weeks old, tomorrow you will be 3 whole months. my body has almost returned to normal now, my pregnancy seeming like a distant memory. i still have my little brown line that runs down my tummy though, every time i see it, it reminds me that it once was your home, a home for 38 weeks and 5 days. i miss feeling your wriggles and kicks inside me but your smiles and hugs bring about emotions i never knew i could feel: pride, strength, a need to protect, but i think most of all.......love. all encompassing love.

love mummy xxx

your beautiful smile.....16/1/2012

finley you are now 10 weeks old. the days are quickly passing and each day your little personality begins to shine even brighter. when you wake in a morning you make little noises to let me know its time to get up, if im not there fast enough those little noises become cries for me to wake faster... but as soon as i peer into your crib your eyes light up and the corners of your mouth creep into a perfect little grin. as i scoop you up into my arms you coo and your eyes stay focused on my face.

we have a little mornng routine now and after a feed and a cuddle we get washed and then you lay on your changer as i massage your special creams into your skin to stop it getting dry and sore. most days you like it and you lay cooing and smiling, but som days you cry and tell me to go faster so you can get dressed. we sing nursery rhymes or play music and this makes you calm when you're getting upset.

you like to have cuddles with lots of different people and you always give your biggest grins to everyone; you're such a sociable little man. but you always follow my voice too and will turn to me when i talk ( i secretly like this cos i know you havent forgotten about me just cos someone else is giving you beautiful cuddles).

you love sitting on my knee and we bounce along to 'wind the bobbin up' and the 'wheels on the bus'. you smile so big when we sing and bounce and now your eyebrows dance along too.

when you sit cooing and talking to me, your full face moves now with so much expression. your funny little eyebrows wriggle around your forehead and your nose twitches whilst your nostrils flare. your mouth takes on new shapes with new noises escaping every day..... its a wonderful feeling as all my senses take in your beautiful actions.

on a night time your fall asleep on my breast after your night time feed, snuggled in you drift off int a quiet slumber. i lay you in your crib, tunr on the monitor and wander downstairs for some mummy time only to be called back up half an hour later by your cries. real cries now, with real tears that form in the corners of your eyes. but again, as soon as i scoop you into my arms you peer at me as if to say 'there you are mummy, where did you go?' and how can i resist another cuddle with you when your big smile screams innocence and a need for huggles. you will only be a baby for such a short time of your life, i intend to cherish every second of it i can.

i think its fair to say my darling baby, that your beautiful smile makes me fall in love with you just a little bit more everytime, even though every time i think i couldnt possibly love you more then i do in that second.

love from your mummy xxx

tears at new year.......1/1/2012

well my baby boy, you are now 8 whole weeks old, the time is flying by. in one sense it seems like yesterday that the mw passed you up to me and i looked at your perfect little face and beautiful eyes for the first time, but then i cant imagine you never been in our lives before, its like you've always being here.

in the last 2 weeks, mummy celebrated her first birthday as a mummy, your mummy. when i opened my first ever mummy birthday card, tears tumbled down my cheeks. we celebrated by going out for lunch at chiquitos and then we took ou to see santa. daddy thought it was madness that i was taking you to see santa, paying £6 for you to sit on his knee and you wouldnt remember any of it. but i will and we have a picture of you to show you when you are older. you got me a bautiful photo frame that says 'me and my mummy' and there was a beautiful piccie in it too.

we have akso celebrated christmas! waking up beside you on christmas day made my year. last year mummy avoided the family parties and even looked on at your aunty and unlce with pain as they held your cousin, he was 6 weeks old. this year we were showing you off, we were attending all those parties with excitement, wth pride, with happiness.... all that pain seemed so long ago, yet the memories of knowing we had once felt that pain remain, making the happiness feel all the more overwhelming.

last night was a very sedate new year, a million miles away from last year when daddy and i celebratd at a house party, disco fancy dress meant colours, glamour, sequins, big hair (and that was just daddy) and a lot of alcohol! we danced into the ealry hours until i crashed out on a sofa still wearing my platform heels and awoke with a thick head.

last night we were with your nana and grandad, we ate chinese and i bounced you on my knee singing your favourite nursery rhymes as you smiled at me, hanging on my every word, waiting for the next bounce to come. we stood on the door step of the house watching the fireworks explode into the air, a tribute to our very own 'firework finley', the nickmane you have inherited after being born on bonfire night. as the words of auld lang syne were being sung around us, daddy held me tightly as i held you tightly. tears again tumbling down my cheeks as i recalled staring 2011 with the fears of what our first ivf treatment was going to bring with it and there i was ending the year with my very own perfect little bundle. you really do mean the world to me finley, getting here was difficult but it was worth every single second of pain, upset ad discomfort and i would do it again in a heartbeat just to see your smiling face.

so heres to 2012, a year to look forward to .....with lots of firsts im sure....first giggles, first proper hugs, first crawls, first steps?

you're a whole month old already....6/12/20011

Finley, i cannot believe you are a month old, time is flying by so fast, i wish it wouldn't. I still find myself looking at you in complete disbelief, thinking i am dreaming and you are not real. but you are! and you grow so much each day and you're little personality is developing by the minute.

Last week we went to baby massage and you laid there enjoying every second as i massaged your little legs and feet, then your arms and hands and your little tummy, chest and back. You laid looking up at me, responding to my every touch. You are so beautiful.

Today we went to the same class but as all of you babies were very sleepy and then decided you were hungry we didnt do any massage. instead i had a nice chat with the other mummies and at the end we all sang some nursery rhymes. My favourite one went like this....
Up and down, up and down, side to side, side to side and round and round and round and round and here we go again.....
Up and down, up and down, side to side, side to side and round and round and round and round and now its time to stop!

You enjoyed it too as mummy bounced you around to the song. You are so alert, with your big blue eyes wide open waiting for the next words to come.

Last night you were very cheeky. You were having cuddles with daddy when you decided to cry, it sounded like you were really upset so i asked daddy what he had done (in a joking way), daddy said nothing and tried to soothe you. You continud to scream so i came over and picked you up.... you stopped immediately and looked at me and i swear you smiled at me. Daddy was a bit upset, but i think you're just been a bit clingy to mummy because we spend so much time together.... either that or you're playing mummy and daddy off each other already hehe.

We got you weighed yesterday... you now weigh 8lb 15oz!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The health visitor said you are doing wonderfully considering i can only feed you at one side..... so well done my little man.
love you more and more by the day
love mummy xxxxx

plunging into the deep end of parenting....18/11/2011

Well finley, when I imagined the first weeks of your life, I envisioned lots of mummy and daddy cuddles, showing you off and introducing you to the world and spending time doing some nice things as a family. In your ditsy week we made a tiny dent in the circle of family and friends waiting to meet you. But that was all put on hold on Monday night.


We have spent the past 3 nights in hospital. You were unresponsive to mummys voice, mummys touch, mummys attempts to feed you, wake you.... you just lay there floppy and asleep. You took your first journey in an ambulance at just 9 days old and spent the following hours been prodded and poked. Instead of learning about the cries you make to tell me your hungry, I heard your screams of pain. I sat down the corridor as they took fluid from your spine to check for meningitis, daddy held your hand as I couldn't bare to see what they had described them doing to you. But I soon realised how selfish that was and I was in there too. I held daddy as he held you and as soon as the needle was in you were floppy again. I don't know which was worse.


As we waited for the results (they took 48 hours) you were given antibiotics 3 times a day. 3 attempts to get a canula in your hand, again you cried at every attempt. The first dose of antibiotics left you covered head to foot in a rash. Trying not to panic I asked a nurse to check it, a Dr was called but as it disappears under pressure, wasn't itchy or painful for you they decided it was just a reaction and treatment would continue.


After the second dose you were picking up. Suddenly waking for feeds and crying and rooting to say 'feed me mummy'. by Tuesday night you were a different baby to not just the one we took into hospital on Monday, but to the one I have held in my arms since you were born. After everyone had left us, all the worried grandparents and aunts and uncles, mummy and you spent some time together alone. We sang nursery rhymes and I tickled your tiny fingers and your perfect little tummy. You responded to my touch and my voice and pulled faces I haven't seen you do before. I know they say a newborn doesn't smile but you pulled the corners of your mouth up in a smiling expression and that made mummy cry happy tears.


Wednesday night your canula broke down and left you with a puffy hand. 3 more attempts to get a new line in, I sat there holding you, trying to soothe your screams of distress and pain. I sang round and round the harsen, circling your tummy and you suddenly stopped crying and went to sleep. I kept asking the nurse if you had passed out, I didnt believe in myself enough to believe I had soothed you to sleep.


By the time your results were back yesterday you were active, moving lots, crying lots, wanting lots of cuddles and attention, feeding so well too. The really showed no meningitis, and no other infections that were tested for came up either. But I was told by a nurse friend on the ward in around 70% of cases like your finley, they never find the answers but it is very clear the medicine did the trick.


Daddy sent mummy to bed as soon as I had my tea last night, apparently lack of sleep in the hospital was causing problems with my yummy mummyness hehe (like I care). Daddy said you wouldn't let him put you down all night, you wanted lots of cuddles.


today is daddys last day off work, I wonder what we will do........ something nice just the 3 of us I think.


I am so proud of you my little man, you have shown so much bravery this last few days and you make mummy find strength and courage I never knew I had. You obviously bring out the best in me, the mummy I have always wanted to be. I hope I make you proud too.


Love you so so much

Love mummy xxxx

you're a week old already...12/11/2011

Finley, you're a week old today! This time last week daddy had just arrived back at the hospital to see us. We had spent a few hours alone and I had just laid there, staring at your beautiful face. So scared I would soon wake up from this wonderful dream where I had finally become a mummy. You had barely made a peep in those few hours, yet my tears of happiness flowed at seeing you just lay there.

This last 7 days has past in a blur, a flurry of friends and family who have visited you and brought you some wonderful presents and cards. Everyone thinks you are so beautiful and small.

Feeding has been difficult as mummy is producing too much milk for you ro keep up with so I am now expressing. We bought an electric pump and you seem to like the humming sound it makes, but don't think daddy is too impressed at 1 and 4 in the morning hehe but he says its ok. You have had a few feeds from mummy too in the last few days, I enjoy that time where I can take you to another room, away from everyone else and just have some time 'me and you'. we seem to get very little of that precious time due to all the visitors.

Right now you are laid on my lap, fast asleep, snuggled up warm. Were watching friends and having a giggle whilst daddy is out spending some time with a friend who lost his nana just days before you were born. Her nickname was nana moon, the world lost nana moon but gained you lickle moon.

I look at you still in complete disbelief, are you real? I check all the time to see if you are still breathing, just cos I'm so scared still but I think that's something all new mummies do, daddy said he does it too.

My lickle moon, my Finley Richard...... I love you so much, I promise to be the best mummy I can possibly be to you and I will care for you and do the best for you that I can.

Love from mummy xxxx

lickle moons birth story...9/11/2011

My baby boy is already 4 days old, were currently snuggled up in bed keeping warm making a plan for the day. First things first tho (of course after a feed and a change and a big snuggle) is to wrote down our story before we forget a single thing.


So as you all know things had been 'moving' for a couple of weeks. So ill start with when things started to get messy so to speak lol. On Monday last week I woke up with painful period type pains and was losing a lot of mucous and blood. It continued allllllll day but with no real progression to anything else. Tuesday...... the same. Wednesday things were much more settled and I was one very disappointed mummy to be.


At the 38 week cons appointment on Thursday, he decided to leave is to do things on our own but would induce me by week 41. No examination like he had promised! I broke down, sobbing I just wanted to know if my body was doing anything or I'd the last few weeks were just little games to keep me on my toes. Hubby said I could have won an Oscar for my performance..... very dramatic apparently Haha. so the examination went ahead and I was already 2-3cm!!! Feeling much happier with myself but very emotional off home we went.


An hour later the contractions were 7 to 8 minutely but only mild amd stayed that way all day. Night time came they were 3to4 minutely so off we went to labour ward to het checked over just in case with the strep b. An examination showed thongs hadn't really progressed since my earlier examination ny cons so was given option to stay or go home. Home we went grabbing a take away on way home, 3 hours layer I was fast asleep in bed. Everything had stopped!! Again!!!


Woke up very stressed and upset Friday lunch time, my mum turned up ay half one and took me to hers. After many tears and telling her how exhausted I was and worried I wouldn't have the energy to push when he was finally on his way. She gave me a big hug and told me to relax, stop been so scared (i didnt believe everything was going to go well and that I would be bringing my baby home) cos everything cos going to be fine and I would soon be a mummy. We had a nice walk and by the time we were walking back (about 5pm) my contractions started again. They were very different this time, I had to zone out to breathe through them and found myself making some rather strange grunting sounds Haha.


Hubby met me at my mums and we relaxed tjere, breathing through each pain as they came. Had a madras for tea which I thoroughly enjoyed and within 15 minutes if finishing the pains were very strong so decided to het a bath. I say strong, they were bareable and once over with, kinda made you think what an earth was I just screaming about cos the pain just vanishes in-between. An hour and half in the bath, every 5 minutes and I was starting to scream and swear through the pain.... still manageable tho. By 11.10pm they were 4 to 6 minutely but I was starting to feel the need for some pain relief so called the hospital. My mum said to give.myself another half an hour (good job I didn't tho lol) but I was aware of needing the antibiotics.


11.45 massive contraction on car park, port asked if I wanted a wheelchair but I was so scared I still wasn't in labour I refused. Another one in foyer, then a huge one at the ward entrance. As it finished I looked up to see the mw say 'you here to have a baby?' I really hope so was my response.


I got to the room and was given the gas adjacent air, contractions now every 2 minutes and lasting a minute. 'please say I'm more then 3cm' I begged........... 8cm and almost ready to go! With that my waters broke, they quickly got my iv in and administered my first dose of antibiotics. But it was too late, his head was already on his way down. I begged for pain relief but she just kept saying 'becky its too late, hell be here soon'. 'het my mother on the phone!' I screamed. Doing as told, hubby rang mum and pit her one speaker phone...'cos of you I can't have any pain killers and it effing hurts and this effing gas and air effing doesn't work.....' (you get the picture.... mw and Dr found it hilarious apparently!.


Anyways...... by about 12.45 they couldn't wait any longer and said to start pushing. Baby would have to have the antibiotics himself. The contractions were starting to blend, but with each one I would tell mused that I had 4 pushes, counting trough them....1 to get his head there.... 2 to stretch.... 3 to stretch and 4 to get him out. After a while I went from back to all fours, but then to my side. At 1.58 finley entered the world, took his first big scream and opened his left eye, eight one completely gunked over bless him. He came straight to me for skin to skin and i just lay there shaking, mesmerized by the little man in my sens and the pain had stooped immediately. I threw the gas n air nozzle, no longer needing it.


The placenta came away quickly and then I has to have stitches. I had a small perinieum tear and according to hubby my labia need stitching almost fully back on ( not sure if he's exaggerating and I darent look lol).


10 minutes after stitching complete, finley was taken to special care to have his iv fitted and first dose of antibiotics.... I got up, showered and was raring cereal bars and drinking lucozade when he returned.


Hubby has told everyone how proud of me he is and how I just got on with it and got him out so fast. Yes I swore, screamed, begged they used forceps (apparently lol) bit I dis it on just gas and air and gave him the.most precious and beautiful gift he could ask for. He's a little disgruntled that so far finley is a mini mummy but were noticing more daddy in him by the day.


If you got to the end of this well done lol. So much more I could say but I'm sire there must be a word limit on here lol.


So after weeks of 'am i? Aren't i?'. He's here, my beautiful lickle moon, my beautiful finley Richard. Xxx

lickle moon is a lickle boy.....5/11/2011

Just a quick birth announcement. Our bonfire night baby boy finley Richard was born at 1.58 weighing 7lb and half an ounce! He's perfect. After a very slow slow labour, it all went very fast and he was delivered with just gas and air.

Didn't get the antibiotics in me in time so were here for 2 days and he's currently away having an iv fitted so he can have the antibiotics himself.

He's perfect. Can't believe he is here and we are finally parents. I'm the happiest mummy in the world! Xxx

dont know how to carry on..... 4/11/2011

i am 38 + 4 and have been in slow labour for a week now. i started with irreugular contractions last friday - definitely not braxton hicks cos theyre bloody painful and ive been getting braxton hicks since early on and theyre very differnt. they lasted for 4 hours then stopped. same thing on sat n sunday for a few hours. then woke early hours monday morning with awful period type cramps and was losing my plug. the pains were evry 15 minutes, and i was losing a lot of mucous and small blood clots. 5 hours later the pains stopped but the 'show' continued ever since.
i saw my consultant yesterday who examined me and told me i was 2cm dilated and gave me a sweep. within an hour i was getting contractions every 6 -9 minutes. by 3ish they were more regular. by 4 they were every 4 minutes and getting stronger and stronger. at 7 i finally rang the labour ward who told me to go in (i have strep b so shouldnt leave it too late but was so scared of them stopping again). they were continuing and becoming increasingly painful to a point were i could no longer breath through them. when i was examined again i was at 3cm but my cervix was completely soft so was just a case of waiting for that extra 1cm before they would say i was in established labour. she gave me the option to go home and have some food and try to rest and then come back in a few hours hopefully by which point i woiuld be at 4cm. so at half 11 we left and went and got some food. i last looked at the clock at 2.30ish and then it was suddenly half 3. they'd stopped been so painful and regular and i'd fallen asleep.

ive then slept all morning, aware of some continuing contractions but only mild. they are now every 12 minutes again and although they hurt theyre nothing like last night. i'm exhausted and just dont know what to do with myself. my mum keeps telling me to have some castor oil but im adamant i wont have any after reading the risks - my baby is too precious to take that chance. i keep telling myself baby will come when he's ready and not before. but if it carries on like this i dont think ill have any energy to push baby out. having spd doesn't help either cos the pain and pressure in my pelvis now is awful.

right now im doing my best to not sit and cry cos thats all i feel like doing im so tired.

exhausted.... 2/11/2011

even more teasin.....31/10/2011

well....... woke up at 2this morning with the worst period pains ever!!!!!!!!!!! went to the loo and i was losing loads of bloody discharge (sorry for the tmi). shouted to hubby 'oooo i think things might be moving', he grunted n said ok lol n went back to sleep - bless him lol. went back to bed and spent the next 5 hours wide awake as was getting very painful tightenings every 15 minutes and was feeling a ton of pressure. had to go to loo andother 2 tmes before i got up and have continued to lose this mucousy stuffy heavily.

just woke up and realised ive slept for the last hour and half with no more pains. theyve stopped again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

bleeding is continuing though and now im losing 5p sized blood clots, just rang the day unit who said this is all normal and is baby trying to get things going and sounds like my cervix is opening. cramps have started back up again and i have awful dull backache.

plans for today..... walking and bouncing on my ball!

will lickle moon be a halloween baby or will he sill be in there next week lol? xxxx

is this the start?....29/10/2011

I have such a naughty baby teasing his mummy. At 11ish yesterday morning I started with irregular (between 4 and 7 minutes) but bloody painful tightenings. As I was at my mums, she had me out walking trying to get things started properly. Since baby engaged my pgp has improved so much so I was able to walk a fair bit. They continued for about 4 hours then suddenly stopped. Then a few hours later started back up, even more painful this time, would stop me from what I was doing and had to breathe through them, they were coming between 2 and 5 minutes. As I was at a friends house I was starting to think I should call hubby when they slowed down and went down to every 10 to 15 minutes. So came home, went to bed and only had 2 that woke me during the night. Had another 3 in last hour but still very irregular.

My mum and dad were so excited cos they thought that was it yesterday lol. But for now lickle moon is just teasing his mummy I think lol Xx

full term =one scared mummy to be .... 25/10/2011

well lickle moon, there are now just 2 weeks and 5 days until your official due date. up until yesterday mummy was just so excited and hadn't experienced even a moment of fear in quite some time. but that all changed yesterday when i realised i really dont know what to expect. ive read all the books, ive spoke to lots of people, i know the 'theory' behind child birth...... but i realised i don't actually know what i should be expecting my body to do.

when i went to the toilet in the early hours, i lost a a lot of water that wasn't mummy weeing and when i woke up i had wet knickers. i didnt know what to do and didnt know if that was my waters or not. so i sat and cried. i rang your nanna who thought that it sounded like my waters and when your grandma came round she made em ring the midwife. after a very long day of trying to get somebody to listen to mummy we finally got checked over and was told they hadn't broken. i felt silly, but most of all i felt scared. i snuggled into daddy and told him i am scared because i dont know what to expect. daddy explained to me that we cant possibly know what is going to happen because you're our first baby. that made sense but i still felt very upset last night.

i worried that after getting this far with you, i still might not get to bring you home. this journey has been so tough my lickle moon and even though i have loved feeling you in my tummy and having you move around letting me know you are ok, i have wished for the 9 months to go quickly. i know i wont actually believe you're real until i hold you in my arms and see your beautiful little face look up at me, until your little fingers grasp at mine and i feel you snuggle into me for comfort. i promise to care for you the very best i can and to be the best mummy i can be. you are about to change my life forever and i am so grateful that you are on your way. i have tears as i write this, tears of fear, happiness and excitement.

so when you're ready my baby, we're ready to meet you.

see you soon, my darling lickle moon
love from your mummy xxx

1 month till due date...14/10/2011

OMG!!!!!! one month today is your due date lickle moon. today is uncle alex' 15th birthday so we have been celebrating that tonight at your nanna and grandads. this time next month we will either be celebrating your birth or i will still be sat rather inpatiently waitng to meet you hehe.

mummy is far too excited now, i go all giddy everytime i see something of yours, and now we are so close to you being here, you seem to have things everywhere. theres the crib in mummy and daddys bedroom, the bath in the bathroom, the travel cot waiting to go up in the living room..... and then of course theres your bedroom. i think mummy might just let you share daddys room and ill sleep in your room bacuse i just love it! its not finihsed yet, but heres a sneaky peak of the 2 walls that aunty lucy drew and mummy has painted.


its hopefully going to be finished this weekend, we are going to get your carpet on sunday and then we have to just put all of your furniture together. if that task is anything like putting mummys bed together a few months ago then its going to be a stressful task.....mmmmm.... not sure if we'll ask daddy to help with that or not. think ill just let him make the cups of tea hehe.

see you soon, lickle moon

love from your very very excited mummy xxxxx

lickle moon w painted your bump....30/9/2011

good morning my lickle moon, its nice and early at half 6 and ive already been up for the past 2 hours with you wrigling about in my tum. i'm starting to hope you activity in mummys tummy is not going to be a reflection of your activity outside of mummys tummy otherwise i better get down to the shops and buy myself some very good eye make-up hehe.

i thought i would quickly tell you about last night, daddy has been feeling a bit low so i thought we could do something to cheer him up - it was his birthday on monday (he was 28) and he always gets sulky at birthdays lol. so we bought some facepaints and i told daddy to paint you a picture.

so i'm sat there on the sofa in my nickers and bra with your big fat bump out whilst daddy first of all painted you white, then drew a picture of a moon on. we gave your moon a hat on to keep your head warm, its stripey, red, green and grey (daddy chose the colours sorry hehe) and then we started to draw your face. you wriggled and jiggled in there whilst daddy drew on you, and at point stuck your bum so high in the air your picture looked a bit funny. mummy added your name on once daddy was finished.

all of a sudden the front door opens and in walks nana and grandad - oooooops! we forgot to lock the door, what a site mummy must have looked with her giant tum out on display and barely wearing any clothing hehe.

so anyway, heres a picture of the final result......

see you soon my licke moon
love mummy xxxx

32 weeks!!!!!!!!!....22/9/2011

awwww how mean is it of mummy to refer to you as being cooked lol. of course what i really mean is that your are 3/4 of the way ready to being here with mummy and daddy. 10 weeks to go...... just 70 days!!!!!

somedays i think that i dont want you to come out becasue i will miss feeling your kicks and punches inside me (and i love that i am the only one who can feel it hehe), but then i want you to meet your daddy. i want him to be able to feel your kicks and wriggles as much as i do when you lay in his arms on a saturday morning watching soccer am (according to daddy hehe) whilst mummy makes the bacon sarnies.

everyday i change my mind wether you are a boy or a girl, if you are a boy your name is chosen and has been since before you were inside mummies tummy. but if you're a girl.... well thats a different story. i think we have about 12 names we cannot agree on so we wil just have to wait and see.

i wonder who you look like? do you have mummys freckled chubby cheeks and daddys bright sparkling blue eyes? do you have lots of thick black hair like your aunty lucy or will those locks be bright red like some of the members on both mummys and daddys side? of course it doesnt matter who you look like, i am just very curious.

there are so many people looking forward to meeting you. you are going to be loved so so so much by 2 sets of grandparents, 3 great grandparents, 2 aunties and your very lucky to have 4 uncles. and then theres all of mummys and daddys friends who want to be your aunties and uncles too and theres just too many of them to count. not to mention all of the lickle friends waiting to meet you too.

so.... in no more then 70 days (maybe 71 if your a lickle monkey and choose not to come out) we will get to say our first hello. i realy cannot wait.

lots of love my lickle moon

from your mummy xxx

75% cooked.... 5/9/2011

awwww how mean is it of mummy to refer to you as being cooked lol. of course what i really mean is that your are 3/4 of the way ready to being here with mummy and daddy. 10 weeks to go...... just 70 days!!!!!

somedays i think that i dont want you to come out becasue i will miss feeling your kicks and punches inside me (and i love that i am the only one who can feel it hehe), but then i want you to meet your daddy. i want him to be able to feel your kicks and wriggles as much as i do when you lay in his arms on a saturday morning watching soccer am (according to daddy hehe) whilst mummy makes the bacon sarnies.

everyday i change my mind wether you are a boy or a girl, if you are a boy your name is chosen and has been since before you were inside mummies tummy. but if you're a girl.... well thats a different story. i think we have about 12 names we cannot agree on so we wil just have to wait and see.

i wonder who you look like? do you have mummys freckled chubby cheeks and daddys bright sparkling blue eyes? do you have lots of thick black hair like your aunty lucy or will those locks be bright red like some of the members on both mummys and daddys side? of course it doesnt matter who you look like, i am just very curious.

there are so many people looking forward to meeting you. you are going to be loved so so so much by 2 sets of grandparents, 3 great grandparents, 2 aunties and your very lucky to have 4 uncles. and then theres all of mummys and daddys friends who want to be your aunties and uncles too and theres just too many of them to count. not to mention all of the lickle friends waiting to meet you too.

so.... in no more then 70 days (maybe 71 if your a lickle monkey and choose not to come out) we will get to say our first hello. i realy cannot wait.

lots of love my lickle moon

from your mummy xxx

how ivf and pregnancy has changed me.... my journey in pictures....29/8/2011

this time last year i was laid up with the worst hangover of my life after one very very messy hen night. after spending the last 10 minutes looking for a picture to post with this jounral, it seems too many of them needed censoring as they are very X rated!!! lol. so this is the most sedate one i can find, one of the few that doesnt have my knickers on show....

hanging from a bar (literally) in a pub in town, showing the world behind me my bottom (oooops)
Although from my description of my hen nght i may sound like i once was a real party girl... this couldn't be further from the truth. i loved to go out, to dance, to sing, to show off my best assets (wink wink) but never did it that much and preferred the glamming up that came before it. hours i'd spend shopping, looking for the perfect party dress, matching 6 inch heels and of course the bag, jewellery and even a new eye shadow all to match. then out to dance the night away, quite often still standing in my 6 inch heels at 2 in the morning as i waitied for a taxi. it's how i met my hubby and its how i spent time having fun with my girl friends.

over the years i danced less and less, so much so, at times i now feel like a drunken monkey throwing my arms and legs around on the dance floor.... i seem to have lost my co-ordination and style.
my weight has yo-yo'ed and at times been far too low, my health has never been particularly great (small understatement haha), and the times when the pain and anxiety of infertility took its toll left me looking ...well like crap!


but last year when we finally got our referral through, when we finally got the answers that i needed, i took back some control of my self and started to make that effort i once used to take with my self. as i began a journey i knew i was going to have very little control over, i figured the only thing i could do was find a way to be strong and feel good about myself. that step started with taking each day one at a time, and starting the year out as i hoped to continue it...... yes that meant my extensions were back... as were the false lashes, lashings of make up, sparkly clothes and of course my trusty 6 inch heels (fancy drss party - i dont normally look this OTT honestly)

suprisingly the first few weeks of treatment seemed fairly easy in some ways. the injections although the leg ones definitley hurt, were bareable, knowing that each drawn up syringe, each needle in my tummy, each day that past ...... all one step closer to our baby been with us.
then the day came where we finally saw our baby for the first time, just a blob of cells, resembling nothing other (to us) a lickle moon. so the name stuck

and as we counted down those days till we tested and found out if our baby had held on, that strength and courage and excitement i had been desperate to hold onto at the start of the year would come and go. to be told 10 days later lickle moon had stayed with us... i cant describe how it makes me feel, there are no words in my vocabulary that are meaningful and strong enough to give justice to my emotions.
but to then watch my baby grow from this tiny blob to this

then this..

then this...

has been magical.
and to see my tummy grow from this when i first started to grow my lickle moon bump...

to this just this weekend...

well.... it still astounds me everyday that this has happened, i still expect to wake up from the dream to find out its not real.
pregnancy has brought with it so many ups and downs, and it has changed me as a person in many ways... as i looked at my finger nails yesterday during the 3 hour drive back home from a family wedding, i noticed i hadn't even shaped and filed them for the day. even worse, i had left remnants of old (luckily clear) polish on them from our last wedding 3 weeks ago. a year ago i wouldnt have left the house with chipped nail polish. never in the past would i have turned upto a wedding in a pair of flat shoes, they were always my focal point so had to be FABULOUS, this weekend i wore peach ballerina pumps, a bump brace and spent the day either using crutches or in a wheelchair .... couldnt be further from the glamourous days of the past.
i spend most of my days in 'comfy' clothes, and the only pictures i now take are of my ever expanding bump. i look in the mirror and see a tired, chubby girl

taking on the daily mundane battles of life again, what washing to do, which room to try and clean first, what money do i have.... combined with the tiredness and aching of the physical effects of been pregnant. and then of course theres the newfound battle of work and been unable to go due to my health.

but as i battle my emotions over what steps to take next, i realised last night that i'm not the same person anymore.

i'm not the 18 year old girl trying to impress everyone around her with my fabulous fashion and diva dance moves.

i'm not everyone elses keeper and can't be all things to all people.

wearing six inch heels and having perfectly groomed nails made me feel beautiful .... but now i'm going to be a mummy.

some people will say you shouldn't lose yourself just because your a mummy, that you shouldnt change who you are just because you have a child. but my dream was to become a mummy, and as the days to that reality get closer i know i am about to start the next stage of my life and i do not know what that will hold... but i know i have to stop trying to predict it. start taking one day at a time again and when my dreams finally do become real.... new dreams will grow and develop to allow those one day become a reality too.

so for now i will make all attmepts to be a yummy mummy xx

12 weeks to go, spd and crappy care...20/8/2011

well lickle moon. daddy just quoted me on somehting i said ages ago 'i'll love every minute of been big and orund and pregnant'. yet all i have done this last few weeks is moan and cry with one thing or another. do not get me wrong lickle moon, i would go thorugh all this again a million times over, but pregnancy is throwng up a whole load of new challenges for your mummy.

this last couple of weeks my pain has been really bad, and as you will know from my last journal i got very little support from the hospital to tell us why. fortunately mummy was able to overcome her stubborness and anger towards the hospital and did what was right for me and you and went back to the hospital wanting answers. the new dr we saw said that i have a poorly pubic bone, it's not coping too well with all the changes to my body (i did say one day my skinny matchstick legs would struggle with the fat belly). i am very very upset that all the staff who looked after us earlier in the week couldn't see what te problem was but at least now we know. mummy has to have physio and hopefully this will help. it hurts so much to sit, walk, stand...well just about everything. even my loveley long hot(ish) baths dont help anymore.

we are seeing the consultant on thursday and i have a big list of questions for him. we are going to make sure we see him and not a different dr, because he saw your daddy and me just over a year ago, and it was that same very kind man who helped us to make you. i know he listens and i know he's very honest. so far we are very unhappy with the care we have been given since leaving the ovf unit, but i will make sure that from now on they are treating you like the special baby that you are and making ure everything is safe for you.

i cannot believe that in 12 weeks time you should be here. daddy really better get a move on with your nursery. everybody is helping daddy but i guess from now on mummy will have to sit back and watch to make sure her poorly hips dont get any worse. ive asked daddy if we can put your crib together tomorrow then mummy can make the bedding for it. i am so so excited.
looking forward to seeing you more and more everyday...
lots of love my lickle moon
your mummy xxxx

feeling very let down...17/8/2011

well lickle moon, you really do not how to keep mummy on her toes. on monday night i was getting tightening feelings that were coming every 15-20 minutes and were quite painful. i breathed through them, took some paracetamol and had a nice soak in the bath. none of which really helped much so off we went for an early night.

yesterday i woke up after a vry restless nights sleep, feeling tired, exhasted, worred but even wirse still in pain. by this point i had back ache and an almost constant dragging type feeling quite low down. you were still kicking me lots so i knew you were ok in there.

by lunch time it was no better so i rang the midwife for a bit of support, fully expencting her to say its just braxton hicks, you're fine dont worry. instead, they wanted to see us to check us over because she said they had been going on for quite some time now.

when we were get there, the midwife looking after us was brilliant. straight away she had us in a room and was tryng to get a tracing of your heart, but like usual, you did not want to play. in the end the nice lady took us through to put you on the tv. i only got a quick look at you because she was only checking your heart rate, but you have grown so much. i could see you little fists clenched up punching at my tummy. she was happy that you seemed ok. whilst she was scanning you, mummy had another big contraction which the midwfie felt too and she was very worried.

back to the bed and back to tryung to get the tracing machine on you, with more success this time. the dr quickly came to see us and told us they were concerned you were going to come early and wanted to do a test to see if that was happening or not. the said to ring daddy now. but mummy had been trying to be brave and not call daddy out of work unless he needed to so now i was worried. i called daddys office but he wasnt there, i told the lady on the phone what was happening and then i started to cry. i was very scared you were coming and i really wanted daddy with us.

we got put on to the ward and thats when everything went down hill care wise. the midwife looking after us was ok but the ward itself was awful. the bed was very uncomfortable and the pillows werent worth using.
the dr came and did the test which was just a little swab from mummys cervix and he said that everything still looked closed so they were happy with that.he did notice i had a bit if thrush so he gave us some tabets for that to get that sorted.

then an hour later the midwife came and said the test was negative, you were not about to make an appearance. the relief that dady and i felt was immense, you're not meant to be here yet! but it left the question over what was causing the pain and the contractions which by this point had finally stopped.
then we were left....left ....and lft some more. daddy asked if he should get me some things from home and was told yes like it was the most obvious thing in the world. we didnt know wether i was staying or going because nobody had told us anything. then tea came...well thats a whole other issue but if you feel sick from what mummy ate i'm sorry. manky lettuce,cucumber and plastic beef wasn't great but solidified rice udding foating in water was just horrendous.

daddy went and brought us somethings and then after playing games on the hospital tv for a while he had to go because it was the end of visiting.

still very uncomfy, the new midwife suggested a bath. we had a bath and felt no better so settled down for another very unsettled and uncomfortable night.

this morning i was told dr would be coming to see me, so we waited. we were also told that if i was still in pain i would be staying. every other patient in our room saw a dr, but instead a dr reviewed my notes and told the midwife to send me home. when she came to tell me, i told her i am still in pain so she offered to do another trace. perfect she said, not a problem. by this point i was also getting shoulder pain which she has put down to my endometriosis flaring up during pregnancy. she also told us that were bound to be anxious with this being an ivf baby.

still no answers. she tells us again we can go home when were ready but no point rushing if im still in pain. but theyre not going to do anything else so i then think well why bother staying??? i felt like nobody cared that i am still in pain, still got lots of pressure, back aches and frequent pains very low down at the front. but because their test has said im not in labout they don't seem to care. 'its just one of those things'!!!!

im supposed to have my first consultant appointment next week and they were going to cancel it as i have seen them this week. I didnt even see a bloody consultant!!!! the dr who saw me yesterday was a trainee by the sounds of it, yet they thought they could cancel my appointment next week without even speaking to my consultant. well its not cancelled now, and i will make sure i tell our consultant how uhappy i am with everything. right now all i feel is that i dont want to go there to give birth but i know i have absolutey no option in the matter because there is no where else.

so now i am home, needing to calm down. i hope my little rant will help in that and i now need to leave it be. nothing i can do, nobody there is bothered im still in pain. so rest for the day it is!

lickle moon, mummy loves you so so much and is so scared of something bad happening. i know though that you are strong, stronger then mummy i think, because mummy is very weak sometimes. i promise to take really good care of you, just stay put and be good. xxx

movement antics...2/8/2011

well lickle moon, you obvioulsy like to keep mummy very busy and on her toes. after a visit to the antenatal day unit on thursday because you had been a lazy bum for a full day and had decided to just sleep and not kick or punch or head butt mummy at all...you havent kept still since and i just love it.

this morning you woke me up with the biggest mvements so far and i was able to catch them all on video to show you when you are older. for 10 whole minutes you squirmed around in your lickle house and you kept sticking your bum up and down... and up and down some more. i just laid giggling at you as you were obviously trying to get comfy in your new position.

when you finally calmed back down i put my hand on your bottom and i felt a little poke further across to the left. i put my hand there and felt what i think was your shoulder and leading down to your arm. it was so amazing to be able to work out how you are laid, cos normally i'm just guessing depending on where you're moving hehe.

you have wiggled and danced all day and i couldnt wait to share the video with daddy. he was amazed too. you will have to do an encore later so daddy can see too.

we love you lots lickle moon, our very own gymnast.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iTzpkoEILLU&feature=mfu_in_order&list=UL

love mummy xxxx

24 weeks today....25/7/2011

i can't believe i am now 24 weeks pregnant with you my lickle moon. everyday i am amazed that i have a baby inside me, growing from something that was once too small for us to see by our eyes alone. but now you are so big i can see you kick and wriggle and head butt me all day long. i can tell you're going to keep me busy when you're here because you are always on the go, day and night.

today was a big milestone for me lickle moon, because i know now that there is a chance if you were born early you could still survive. i know that is a really strange way to think, but i suppose because of the work mummy does, seeing lots of very premature babies, this is something i am very aware of, of course i hope you stay in mummys tummy until november though and i'm very sure you will. mummy has to just stop finding things to worry about, (silly mummy).

we are starting your nursery now, mummy has created a beautiful, giant, winnie the pooh mural, which your grandad is going to get printed for you at his work. and then your aunty lucy and mummy are going to paint it. it is going to fill the whole wall, i really hope you like it. we have all of your furniture ready to put together but we need to find you some bedding and curtains that will match your fabulous room.

i also just bought your 'just born' outfit, ready for the day you are here with mummy and daddy. its got thumper on it and it is so sweet. you have matching vest, sleep suit, hat, booties, bib and even a sleeping bag - you will be the most co-ordinated baby. (much to daddy's disaproval i also bought you a pair of little shoes, now you can only wear these if you're a girl because they're girls shoes, but they are so cute and also a bargain so i had to get you them...just in case hehe)

and today.... mummys friends started to plan our baby shower, i am really looking forward to this because then every one will come together to celebrate mummy (and daddy) expecting you and might also bring you a gift or too.

so, we now have less then 16 weeks to go until you are due to be here and mine and daddy's arms. i cannot put it into words how excited we are that you are coming but its all starting to feel very very real. especially as everyone things im so big carrying you already.... i dread to think how round mummy is going to be by the time you are due... the world 'blimp' comes to mind lol. but mummy doesn't mind in the slightest, as long as you're safe and happy.

love you lots and lots my lickle moon,
love mummy xxxx

licle moons 20 week scan.... 27/6/2011

omg!!!!!! our baby is just sooooo beautiful. and definitely cheeky and stubborn too lol. as the sonographer talked us through every single inch of the babies anatomy, i just lay there with silent (happy) tears streaming down my face. his legs, his feets and toes, his hips, his spine, his stomach, his kidneys, his bladder, his heart (including all 4 chambers and the 3 main vessels), his arms, his hands and fingers, his head, his mouth, his nose, his eyes, his brain..... everything just perfect.

still got that cute little nose, and we saw him swallowing the amniotic fluid too lol.
got a really good look at his legs as he sat there feet together... although like mumymys dady he appears to be very bow legged hehe. and we all take the mick out of daddys daddy saying he has a big nose, and my neice holds her fist up to her nose and says 'dada dunk'..... well this baby also wants to play this game.....

and of course, baby has to to show off like mummy always did (does lol)...... by showing he can lift his feet right upto hs head... (the 2 little white dots above his face are his toes...)

so that is todays 20 week scan.... still calling him a him, but no we didnt find out cos daddy really didnt want to know. mummy nearly asked her to look and just tell me but we all know i cannot keep a secret.
so now we're half way there. and now we can start to decorate the nursery.... its a big job so its a good job we've still got 20 ish weeks to do it hehe.
xxxx

am i imagining it or are you playing games?... 24/6/2011

Right lickle moon, I think this is your first proper telling off lol. You have been giving me some really good kicks for over a week now. This morning they were so strong I could feel them with my hand over my tummy but sadly daddy had already gone to work. So tonight once we were all home, you started to kick again so I grabbed daddys hand and you stopped. Daddy laughed and said I was making it up.

I knew I wasnt so tonight when we got in the bath to relax, off you went again, kicking so hard mummy saw her tummy move where you kicked. Again and again and again you did it. So I rang daddy on his mobile and told him to quickly cone upstairs. As he walked in the bathroom door you stopped. You are fueling daddys thoughts I am in fact insane, so pretty please let daddy see or feel you too, I promise to buy you something nice if you do......see I'm resorting to bribery already and you're not even born yet! Please!

Love you lots my beautiful lickle moon.

Love mummy xxx

a year on from a very traumatic day...12/6/2011

this time last year we were in a very different place to were we are now. it was a very diffuclt, painful and unhappy time for us for the follwoing reasons.

i held hubbys hand as we had just very unexpectedly found out about hubbys very poor sperm count, morphology and motility and were told it was very unlikely we would ever conceive naturally but to remond ourselves there was some sperm there so with the help of ivf icsi we still had a chance of becoming parents one day

the following day i had cervical biopsies for my abnormal smear and was dreading to be told my cervical changes were progressing again (previously at cin stage 2). following the mess i got in after the last treatment, i was so scare during the procedure and i remember just looking at hubby for some reassurance that i was going to be ok, this time him holding my hand but the fear in his face as he saw how much pain i was in said it all. luckily this time the changes weren't as progressed and i didnt require any further treatment.
so then after having 9 days to recover from that i had my 3rd laparoscopy surgery. this time to be told both ovaries were attached to my pelvic wall from the endo nd there was more in other places too. i took 7 weeks to fully recover after this one, but we kept the hope by reminding ourselves that me being endo free ( for however long it lasts) meant 2 things: firstly i would be pain free (hopefully) for our wedding and honeymoon, and secondly that i now had a better chance of holding onto a baby when we started ivf.

so a year on from those horrendous 11 days, we are married, had a fantastic day with all of our friends and family and then went on to have a wonderful honeymoon, and we now have our own little person on the way. so those awful 11 days are a matter of history, a distant memory filled wih heart ache and pain; but heartache and pain we overcame and i believe shows the courage and strength our relationship has. i love my husband very much, he has always stuck my me throughout my ill health and continues to do so now. i know he will make a fabulous daddy and i can't wait for that day to come.
becky xx

4 big kicks...ARGH!!!!... 08/06/2011

so for a few weeks ive been feeling flutters and popping and almost a turning feeling inside your lickle house, but tonight, we were laid watching tv, daddy was asleep next to us after a very hard day at work, when you kicked me! twice!!!! it felt so strange, i just paused the tv, looked down at my tummy and you did it again!!!!! i started to giggle, and i woke daddy and told him that ou just kicked me, it was so much stronger then anything i have felt before and i just sat laughing. daddy sleepily smiled as i described it to him, i just wish he could feel it too. after a very hard week and feeling quite low, you have just cheered m up so much, giving me that little reminder that you are here.

mummy loves you very much and can't wait to feel you kicking me so strongly again
xxxxx

the moment i realised i'm going to be a mummy... 22/5/2011

Everyday since getting my bfp Ive thought about and dreamt of the moment I will hold our baby in my arms, hold him or her closely to me and take in a big breath of that new baby smell. Everyday I've said to myself I will enjoy of second of this pregnancy and not wish it pass by in a whirlwind of passing time.

I thought the day we saw the little baby on the agreed during the first scan I would immediately believe that bfp was real, yet the 5 week and the 8 week didn't really satisfy that doubt.

Weeks later, a Cheeky 13 week bouncing baby, opening and closing his mouth, wriggling his bum and not really working with the sonagrapher to get the perfect view, made me smile, giggle, even brought a tear to my eye..... yet still that doubt niggling away at me, not always, mostly just fleeting, but still there hiding away in the back of that little mind of mine.
A trip to babies r us... a cot, changing table, car seat, travel cot and bottles later..... all spent up and excited about decorating athe nursery eventually..... but just a matter of days later, I'm on the phone to mike, tears streaming down my eyes as I fear the pain I'm feeling signifies the end of this journey.... for now anyway. Reassured by the Dr everything is ok, my smile is back but the doubt remains, hiding in the background.

A trip to the baby show and I wander round smiling and cooing over babies everywhere. A feeling quite alien to me as I resalised smiles replaced my grimace and wide opened eyes in place of the tears normally tumbling through squinted eyes. My heart racing with joy and excitement instead if anger, pain and fear.

we buy a doppler, and later as I lay there listening to a second beating heart, checking my own to reassure that doubt again, I smile and my mind wanders with visions of what the future may bring.

Well this morning, that feeling I've been longing for finally came. I realised, I was stood there transfixed by a bump... a home that encloses my growing baby. Water tumbling down that bump, shower drops and tears. Hands wrapping round a baby so longed for and loved. That feeling of doubt not there, just completely overcome with hope and excitement, but most of all with love at our very precious, miracle baby, getting bigger and bigger by the day.... and each day we get nearer to the day we get to hold you in our arms, hold you tightly to us and take in a big breath of that new baby smell. Xxx

lickle moon.. you fatty...9/5/2011

well just got back from 12 week scan... you are so beautiful, stubborn! but beautiful. you were laid on your tummy so the lady couldnt measure you so she jiggled and jiggled you but you were not moving onto your back. instead you stuck your bum out to her and rolled back onto your tummy. so off we went for a little walk, had a fizzy drink and pretended to do some hula hooping and by the time we got back you were laid nicely on your back, perfectly for her to meaure you.

at what should be 12 weeks and 5 days you are meauring 13 weeks!!! clearly those naughty take aways are helping you to become a not so little lickle moon.

your heartbeat is perfect, and your little nose is so cute. you kept opening and closing your mouth which made your mummy giggle. you are just perfect, and i had a few tears seeing you there so big.
so no wonder mummys getting such a bump so quickly!!!


lots of huggle, kisses and cuddles from your mummy xxx

12 weeks tomorrow... 3/5/2011

Tomorrow lickle moon i will be 12 whole weeks pregnant. Can you believe it? I can't! It still seems like yesterday the nurse was telling me it had worked, you had stuck, you are there in my tummy growing into a beautiful baby. From the size of pin prick (well even smaller really) to now being the size of a plum.

The last 8 weeks since that day have continued to be an emtional rollercoaster, days where i have convinced myself you are no longer there and have cried myself into such a state daddy hasn't known what to do with me.... then theres the days were all i talk about is you and daddy's sat there listening to my arguments as to why you deserve the most expensive pram in the shop to travel around in style (daddy thinks this is actually just a fashion statement for me and is NOT buying into a £900 pram lol). ... then theres been nights like tonight, were those very nasty hormones take over and turn me into what daddy recently referred to me as the 'devil incarnate'. OOOPS!

We get to see you again on Monday morning, we can't wait. Yesterday daddy was watching 'Jess and Friends' on CBEEBies, when i asked what he was dong he said he was getting into practice for when you get here then insisted we go sit next to him so you could hear it too. Bless him, you Daddys never fails to suprise me.... of course we wont tell his 20+ very manly friends of your daddys sunday morning activites hehe.

Being the overly eager mummy i am, i started to make you a patchwork quilt today, as i sat there sewing the squares together, i highlighted to daddy i am doing this by hand, not using the sewing machine upstairs. i hope you like it.

So one last thing to record in todays journal and thats a picture of mummy's already apparent bump!

You're convincing everyone there is more then one of you in there!
Lots of love, huggles and kisses from your mummy xxxx

emotions flying everywhere...19/4/2011

i had my midwife booking in appointment yesterday, it went well, was there a good hour and half discussing my history and the mw taking down all my details, doing tests for bloods, blood pressure, temp, urine etc. due to having ivf we have to have consultant led care so have been reffered to an obstetrician, luckily though its the one we saw first time in subfertility clinic and i liked him so fc i'll find him supportive.

my brother in law had pyloric stenosis had birth, and my cousin passed away aged 1 due to liver abnormalities so we have also been referred to the peadiatric team for them to consider this and see if baby needs any tests.

lastly, due to my complex history of depression i have also been referred to the local mums to be mental health team to discuss my worries around post-natal depression and to discuss ways to keep myself well.
today i am just about holding back the tears. feeling so very emotional and just generally all over the place. ive been up throughout the night with a heaviness in my tummy and have had period type cramps all day. im terrified something is wrong. all logic sense tells my that its everything stretching whilst lickle moon goes through a growth spurt, but the crazy lady inside tells me to go see a dr and get it checked cos clearly something is wrong. i feel really feint and have no energy and have had to come home from work again. mw unavailable, epau wont help, and gp will see me at 4 but to be fair i cant see they'll do anything so im not sure wether or not to go.

then i feel like a selfish cow for moaning how i feel, i am so happy and was so desperate for a baby, i feel like i shouldn't whinge, i know my changing hormoes are probably making me feel so tempermental too.
oh lickle moon, i really hope everything is ok, mummy loves you lots and lots xxxxxxx

lickle moons 8 week scan ... 6/4/2011

daddy saw you for the first time since you would put back in mummys tummy today (ive already had a coule of sneaky peaks hehe) and it was so so special to see you again. it took a minute to find you because you have tucked yourself right up in the corner. you have changed so much from a little ball of cells on the day we first saw you, into what looks lik a mouse hehe. but i dont think lickle mouse sounds as cute so lickle moon will have to stick.

we could see your heart beating and the shape of your head, distinguished from the shape of your tummy, where your legs and arms are just starting to grow. at last weeks scan you measured 6weeks and 3 days (that was 8 days ago), now you measure 7 weeks and 6 days. so you're growing very well. we are lucky though, becasue if you had measured 8 weeks like you actually are today, then we wouldn't have got to see you again in 4 weeks time.

the nurse at the ivf clinic said that they are very very happy for us and would like us to take you to them when you are here so they can have a cuddle. they have discharged us now so hopefully we wont see them until you are born in november. we have to ring the midwife team tomorrow to request anti-natal care but because you're a special ivf baby we have to be looked after by a consultant, not the midwife. don't really know what that means for us, but hopefully it means they are going to treat you like the very special baby that you are.

so unofficially you are due on the 17th November but we will find out exactly when you are due when we have your next scan - not that that means anything really because daddy has already decided such a special baby decides to have a very special date for his birthday, so he thinks you're coming on th 11th of the 11th of the 11th (11/11/11)

so big cuddles from mummy and daddy and we'll see you again in 4 weeks my darling lickle moon xxxx

a very scary 24 hours....29/03/2011

well got up yesterday after a very very sleepless night and decided to take the day off as annual leave to catch up on some rest. had a nice relxed day then decided to go do the big shop at asda with hubby. been there 5 minutes and nipped to the loo which resulted in a trip to a&e!

as i walked in the toilet and locked the cubicle, i got  aain that ripped through my whle stomach, i started shaking, went really hot and dizzy and dropped to the floor cos i felt so weak. the pain continued and i couldnt move to get nay help. i have never known those toilets to be so bloody quiet! about 5 minutes later someone finally came in and got me some help. ambulance service were going to take 45 minutes to get to me so hubby bundled me in the care and took me straight to a&e. i was sure it was over, but just kept reassuring myself no blood was a good sign.

i got to a&e and was put straight onto a bed and given some paracetamol. the pain had started to subside, but evrytime i moved i felt like something was tearing. tests were done and 5 hours later i finally saw a dr who said the gynea ward wanted to admit me due to my history with ivf and concerns about an ectopic pregnancy.

got on gynea ward and was convinced by the dr it was ectopic, however when my blood tests finally came back showing my hcg was 43,600 they decided that was too high for an ectopic pregnany but would still scan me.

after 3 hours sleep was kicked out of my bed cos they needed it for another patient and sat n a chair - uncomfortable, in pain and left with no food still, being told i could go home after scan if everything was ok.
had scan just after 9 and lickle moon was still there. i felt so relieved i just felt numb. i think i had prepared myself for the worst and to see his little heartbeat flickering away jst made me completely speachless. im still not convinced that was my baby on the screen. as it was an external scan just to check the basics, i could see him very clearly, but he's there and measuring 6 weeks plus 3 days, with a good strong heartbeat.
my right ovary is still enlarged and there appeared to be no other obvious reason for the pain.

went back to the ward, sat in my chair for a good 2 and half hours before i finally spoke up, telling them i was unhappy i had been left so long with no food or drink (it was 17 hours since i had last eaten and they knew this!) and that i had already been told i could go home so why wasnt i being discharged. i was told to not get upset, it would be lunch time soon! she finally agreed to get me some biscuits. 20 minutes later they cam and said i could go home but they'd keep me to have some lunch, i ended up refusi g and telling them i was not sitting in a very uncomfortable chair in pain, any longer and i was gong home. (i dont normally strop but was getting pretty peaved off and i get mad when im hungry!)

so im home, settled back on my sofa. hubby said lickle moon was just reminding us he was still there, i can see he is going to be a little tyke, fighting for attention, just like his daddy!
so back to resting and hopefully back to work tomorrow.
xx

had a major freakout.... 27/03/2011

What a day! I woke up feeling not pregnant, I'd convinced myself that was it, I'm not pregnant. Got I. The shower, noticed my boobs weren't hurting anymore and I felt normal. I then went on to have a panic attack in the shower, couldn't breathe and just kept sobbing. Hubby was out so I rang I'm and he told me to stop being silly. So I rang my mam, she calmed me down and persuaded me to get dried and dressed. By time hubby cake.home u was half ready to go out when I burst into reds again cos no towels were dry, then again cos I don't like my hair. Spoke to mil who also tried to calm me down and asked me what would.make feel better and nothing would. I have since realised I stopped my pessaries 3 days ago and it is likely the symptoms they were causing are what have stopped. We have been out for lunch with the in laws and all way through I felt really dizzy and hot and nauseous. Before going to lunch we nipped to Morrison and got a clear blue with conception. Indicator. I just did that and it says 3 plus weeks since conception so that 5 plus weeks pg, I'm 7 week on Tuesday but as that's the highest the cb goes up to I will just have to accept that everything is still ok. The result came up in 30 seconds so again I'm guessing that's a good sign. So I need to chill. What will ne will be, im just petrified something is going to go wrong. :o(

otd...14/03/2011

well officially lickle moon we shouldnt know youve stuck until today. but as you know, mummy has being unwell so now we've known for 4 days now. im going to see the gp this afernoon to tell her you stayed with me and also to see about this blooming cough. i got very worried this morning i was causing some damage so i rang my mum to check lots and lots of coughing wasnt going to hurt you and she reassured me it wouldn't. but need to get gp to check i dont need some antibiotics.

we took another test yesterday and daddy kept smiling and rubbing my tummy, he keeps giving you kisses too. we went to pizza hut and me and daddy were talking and i said to him how very lucky we were, our lfe together hasn't been easy but now we feel very very luckly that you stuck lickle moon. i started crying in pizza hut, i think i got very overwhelmed.

every little cramp and twinge i panic, and every time i go to the loo im checking my knickers still. i dont quite think until i have you in my arms im going to really believe you're here to stay. i really hope you are. i can't wait to see your little heart beating when we have our scan in 3 weeks, and i cant wait to feel you kicking me to let me know you're really there. oh lickle moon, theres the tears again.

well lets go ring the clinic and tell them the second test was positive and request an appointment for that scan.

love you lots and lots lickle moon
xxxxx