28/09/2012 time to juggle

October 2010... we had just returned from an amazing 17 days in Hong Kong and Thailand. A fantastic honeymoon, that had followed a perfect wedding. Not many people knew at the time, but we never knew if we would become parents, wether or not our 2 would become 3 or 4. IVF had been suggested as our only way forward and so we had jumped on that track. 3 years ttc and then treatment spread across 3 months resulted in our BFP!!! 9 months felt like a life time but finally i held our amazing baby boy in my arms on 5th November 2011.
Fast forward almost 11 months, and when i say fast forward i mean whizz through it because thats how it felt, and we're here. 2 days off 1st October, my return to work date. how come it took so long to get our precious boy, but the days he is here just go by in a rushed blur?
i keep telling myself i am lucky, i only have to go back to work 2 1/2 days per week. 18.5 hours.... it not even a full day in a week and i get to spend the rest of the time with my baby boy, but right now that doesnt seem enough. the longest we have been apart was when i went away for the weekend and after hearing his little giggles turn into cries when he could no longer hear my voice on the phone i broke and returned from our trip early. he's had a couple of overnight stays with nanna and grandma but never have i left him 2 days on the trot, never mind 3. ive now questioned how ive managed recent weeks. maybe i should have got us both used to being apart a bit more but i wanted to treasure every last second with him i had before going back to work so i didnt do this.
tonight i cradled him in my arms, as he fell asleep tears tumbled down my face. like those early days when he was just born, i found myself watching him breathe, waching his tiny chest rise and fall. in my head i was shouting 'but you're still so small'. surely its not right that i should be leaving him already? how much will i miss? how much will i miss him? and how much will he miss me?
my hubby reminded me that i still get to spend lots of time with him and i will always get to spend more time with him then he does. this didnt stop m protesting to my mother in law that im just not ready to leave him. but she was right when she told me i would never be ready. even if i waited another 6 months, this still wouldnt be enough.
so starting monday 1st october at 8.30 am i begin my juggling act: part time worker whilst doing my very best to still be a full time mummy too.

18/8/2012 first words

well my little chatter box you have started saying actual words rather then just babbling. You are only 10 months old and i am super proud of you. You've been saying dada, mama, hiya and bye bye for a while. But last Tuesday we were walking when you suddenly pointed and shouted "doddy". There behind us was a big doggy also out for a walk. The following evening when watching cbeebies a number of dogs came up on the screen and very excitedly you shouted "DOGGY" !!!!

Since then we have 2 new words, daddy isn't very happy about one of them though.... The first one is "dirty", whenever you pick anything up off the floor you look at me and say "dirty", i must tell you this a lot.

But the one daddy doesnt like came about on Sunday night. It was bath time and we were waiting for daddy to come up to bath you so i shouted his name. You sat waiting for him at the top of the stairs and when he didn't come up, you pulled yourself up on the safety gate and shouted "MIKE". Mummy couldn't stop laughing at you. And since then you crawl around lookin for him shouting "MIKE". Oooops.

Think like you're mummy, you're going to be a chatterbox :-)

Lots of love my lickle man Xxxx

10/9/2012 - meal time anxieties

ive never been someone who checks the food labels on products before buying them, never been interested in the calorie content, how much sugar or fat is in a product. if i looked good i bought it and ate it.
now i find myself walking round morrisons with my head in a daze wondering where to even start. when finley was diagnosd with cows milk protein allergy at 7/8 months and then wthin 24 hours a soya allergy also, meal times as i knew them completely changed.
until that point, weaning had been fun; trying hin with different fruit and vegetables, eating a whole slice of toast and then asking for more, wolfing down his yoghurts like they were going out of fashion. but the more foods we introduced the more his symptoms became apparent. it started with blood in a runny poo one day, the gp wasnt concerned and said he'd probably just had an uset tummy. although the blood didnt make many more appearances, over the fokloiwng 3 weeks the poos became more filled with mucous and then runnier by the day. it would explode out of him, all over his clothes, up his back, down his legs.. it was everywhere. he would be sick frequentlty throughout the day, just looked like watered down milk, didnt bother him when he brought it up but it soiled even more clothes. then to top that off was his little cough, wheezy chest, runny nose and of course his eczema. even after a 1lb loss in a week the gp kept saying it was just a bug and he was probably almost clear of it.
The final straw came the friday when we travelled to birmigham to meet some of our lovely friends. we took 4 outfits with us that day and by the time we walked through the front door he was just in a nappy. i decided that night to stop all dairy. it was the only thing i could think of. so off the formula, we went back to breastfeeding and over the next 24 hours we had nothing that contained dairy. he was sick a few times, but 36 hours later we had a poo that was on the way to being solid.
we moved gps and saw a new one first thing monday morning who prescribed him soya milk. after protesting over him having this due to associations with infertility, we were advised to give him back the dairy for 2-3 days then take in a poo sample for lactose intolerance testing. apparently he was unable to prescribe anything else due to it being too expensive. 1 bottle and he threw the lot up all over me and then screamed for an hour. i called my hv and broke down. we saw her that day and she advised us to give him the soya milk until she coud get another milk sorted, agreeing with me that he shouldnt be on it long term, not just because of the infertility risks but also as it is not recomended for under 1s.
within 24 hours of introducing soya his little body was covered in the worst eczema break out he has had. it was so red and he was just so unhappy with himself. again i called the hv and said i just couldnt do this to him. we were referred that day to a dietician for an urgent assessment and the gp prescribed us the 'expensive' hypoallergenic formula.
it took almost 2 weeks for his symptoms to clear, not fully but almost and by this point my head was buzzing with what foods he couldnt have. it quickly became clear that anything tomoatoe based was what had been causing the screaming episodes and tummy ache so that was also swiftly executed from his diet.
so here we are, 2 months on and i feel completely and utterly ovrwhelmed by meal times. i can spend 30 minutes in a shop reading labels before i have had enough and have to leave, usually emprty handed. the symptoms come and go as we try new foods and it seems no 'bread' product is agreeing with his little sensitive body. we have so far ruled out bread (due to soya content), bagels, crumpets and pitta bread due to sickness following them and then this weekend dairy and soya free bread has left him with another eczema breakout and swelling around his eyes.
i feel useless as a mother. i cant even prepare a meal without it sending my head into a spin. of course he never goes without and we are managing to maintain his weight now but i want to go back to the days were we just picked foods up and gave it to him, not spy him out the window about to eat his cousins dairylea dunker and have to dive out the door to take it from him because no on else seems to take it seriously. "he'll grow out of it"
so plan of action, focus on what he CAN eat.

• he inhales fruit so no problems there.
• vegetables he enjoys too.
• chicken
• sausages
• jelly
• pasta
• rice
• potatoes
• fishfingers

and time to make a weekly meal planner. hopefully that will help me decide what i need fro the shop and reduce my worries over what i need to buy once there and also i can just get on and make the meals on a night without getting myself worked up over what to feed my baby boy.
gone are the days where we can eat freely, but hopefully we can get some fun back into meal times and make them feel like less of a chore.
xx

31/8/2012 another 2 months on...

well my little man, yet again i have gone almost 2 months before writing to you again. i dont know where the time goes these days, it really does fly when you're having fun.

to be completely honest with you finley, i think you are the only thing thats kept me sane over the past few months. we are inbetwen houses and after spending a month with nanna what and gdog's, we have spent the past 2 months at nutty grannys and dadad dunks. we havent had our own space and have mostly been living out of bags. most of mummy and dadys things are in storage and that includes all of mummys clothes and shoes. you have everything here though, well more then everything because you are absolutley spoilt rotten by everybody.

to be really honest i feel like my life has been on hold for the past few months, i havent felt like i could sit and relax for 5 minutes because i am under peoples feet all the time. its not ideal and its not how i imagined we would spend the first year of your life, but its what we had to do to allow us to move into a nice new family home. the house sale is going through now though and hopefully we will be in the house in the next 4-6 weeks. sadly the move is very bitter sweet for mummy, because not only does it mean we finally get ourselves a new home and get our space back ready to watch you meet all your next milestones in our new family home, but it also means mummy has to leave you and go back to work. after 13 months off i have to leave you for 2 and half days a week and go back to my work where i help other mummies and daddys with their children.

already i am most looking forward to getting home from working and having big snuggles with you. mondays and tuesdays i will only get to see you for a couple of hours before its your bed time. for a brief moment i thought i would keep you up later on those nights so we could spend more time together, but then i reminded myself that firstly that wouldnt be fair on you and your routine. but also, that daddy has only seen you for a couple of hours each night due to having to work since you were born, i never thought before about how hard this must be for him. so instead we will cherish our days off together and make sure we do lots and lots of fun things.

you're 10 months old next week. its also mummy and daddys 2nd wedding anniversary. i remember one night on our honeymoon, we were stuck in our villa as the rain was puring down and th streets had flooded. daddy and i decided to try and find and hold on to some 'hope'. it was 3 months since we had been told we needed ivf and we didnt know if we would ever get to hold you. so just for fun we had a look on the internet at some prams. mummy picked out a few that she liked whilst daddy protested saying they were far to expensive. i said you deserved the best set of first wheels as you would be our very special baby.... and that you are.

you are so cheeky, strong minded, confident and most of all happy. EVERYBODY comments on how much you smile. you show your now toothy grin to everyone who shows you any kind of attention and thos that dont, you shout at them until they do. you crawl super fast, you're up th stairs in a flash, you walk all the way around the sofas holding on because you've not realised yet you can do it without holding on.... you laugh and giggle, you shout for attention, you talk away to us like you know everything we're saying and like we understand everything you say back. you give big sloppy kisses, tongues and all hehe, we have to tell you to keep your tongue in. you give the best snuggles ever! you squeeze so tight like you're holding on so we never let go. i wont mention that you nip and bite and scratch as well hehe.

i forgot to mention weve been on a big family holidy and you went on an plane for the first time too. you absolutely loved swimming too whilst we were on holiday, you would try and drink the water.

until next time....

love you lots my baby xxx

9/7/2012 8 months gone by

its 2 months since my last journal to you lickle moon and i really dont know where to start.

the emotions i feel everyday at having you in my life are quite frankly indescribable. there isnt a day goes by when your actions invoke feelings of happiness, fear and excitement. when you first crawled and i lay there on my tummy filming those first clumsy movements; or when you one day just made your way over to the sofa and while i was enthralled in coversation with nanna you just grabbed the side and stood yourself up like it was something you have done everyday of your life; and even when yesterday you sat in your highchair and you reached out your biscuit to give me a bite, big gummy grin on your face, so happy to share with me..... all these moments a feeling of being so proud of you, proud to be your mummy, happy i got to witness you doing these things but scared that ill miss the next with the blink of an eye.

you are no longer my tiny baby laying in my arms, gazing up at me in wonderment of the big world. now you are a little boy, so much independence in all that you do, wether it be feeding yourself or sat happily playing with your toys. when we go to the playgroups and as i pop you down on the floor whilst i remove my shoes and bags, i turn around and your gone, other side of the room sat playing with the other babies and the toys in the room. you are filled with confidence and i hope i have instilled that in you.

having such a history with depression and anxiety and growing up in a home where this was quite apparent, my biggest hope was for you to not have the same experience. everyday i battle with my own fears and anxieties but to watch you smiling and happy and confident it assures me i am doing something right.

i enjoy the cuddles and the smiles you give to me, and me only. everybody says how youre a mummys boy, i dont care though. you are happy in the arms of others but i see the way you look at me and your daddy that you dont look at others that way. its me you search out when you have banged yourself playing or wehn you are hungry, or even when youre just wanting a big mummy cuddle.

we have being sent a new hurdle this last few weeks. as i weaned you from breast to bottle and gave you more formula by the day, you became incressingly unwell. you have been lethargic, snotty, coughing, wheezing, youve had diareah and vomiting and your eczema has flared up. today we saw the gp and believe it to be a dairy intolerance. so our new challenge is to manage your diet in a way to prevent all these horrible symptoms for you. already just removing the formula you have improved drastically.

i could sit and write to you all night finley, but im sure when you read these, if you ever want to read these, that me gushing all over the page about how much you mean to me will just embarass you ever so slightly.

is not knowing better?

for 3 years every month i would convince myself i was pregnant..... my periods would be late AGAIN so of course this month was our month, but no, it never was. since having finley my periods have regulated themsleves, no more 50odd day cycles so far.

we made the decision to re-refer for our next round of ivf in january next year, but then also agreed to start trying again naturally because 'who knows' maybe we could be one of those lucky ones that it happens to. so this month around ovulation time we got jiggy a few times ;-) my 2ww symptoms from my pregnancy with finley then followed like clockwork. increased cm continued, pain in my boobs that shot through radiating into my nipples, heavy boobs, tiredness causing me to feel sleepy in an afternoon. then came the nose of a bloodhound, retching at the smell of my dads pork sandwhich and then the sickness followed later that day. even came down with an infction, last time it was a chest infection, this time a severe urinary tract infection. still 2 days off my due date i think we both became a little excited over the 'what if' until it all ended by the bright red blood staining my brand new pair of knickers. Not this month then!

we didnt even make it to test date to find out if this was just a random bunch of symptoms making us believe what anyone who has encountered the ivf train wants to believe, or if we had in fact just experienced our second chemical pregnancy. would it have been worse to test positive first? im sure it would, but the not knowing makes me feel silly for being just a little bit upset over something that i dont even know we had.

after all those many many months of tears at every period, i WILL NOT get caught back up in this. we have Finley now, we treasure him so much and are thankful every day for what we have. so how do you go about trying to conceive naturally after infertility has meant the only way of conceiving was through ivf. is it even worth trying or do we resign ourselves to the fact we can only make babies with a little bit of help?

6 months old and you finally have soe hair!!! - 6/5/2012

yesterday was your half birthday finley. i cannot believe its been six whole months since i pushed you into this world. you really are a cheeky little man with a massive personality. you dont seem like a little baby anymore, you talk away to us, you sit up all by yourself, you hold your own bottle, you feed yourself trees of broccoli or toast or whatever else is on the menu.

you shout at us for attention if just for a minute we've dared to look away. you tense up your arms and pull a funny face when you're excited. you've grown quite tall and your hair has finally started to grow. you sit laughing at mickey house and you are justing to find your groove hehe, i can see your tummy starting to bob up and down to the beat of the music

those nasty teeth are still not through and they have been causing you so much pain and upset. i wish i could take it away from you but i cant. in stead i give you medicine to help and lots of cuddles to make you feel better.
you sleep in your own room now, by half 6, to 7pm you cry to go to bed because you are tired. you sleep through with just one wake up on a few nights. at about 6 am you cry for me so i come trough to your room, scoop you up and you cuddle straight in. you lay next to me in mummy and daddys bed, cuddle in and go back to sleep for at least another hour. when you do wake up you lay cooing at me, blowing raspberries, pulling my hair and now trying to crawl onto me. it was funny this morning though because you were making lots of noise so i opened my eyes and you had pushed yourself down under the duvet and was laid there laughing.
although you're not exactly crawling, with a combination of rolling, turning and pushing yourself backwards you can navigate yourself around a room pretty well. on friday night you were very cheeky though because you were in the baby walker at nannas and you pushed ourself all the way over to the shelf so you could grab the picture frames.... nanna kept telling you 'no', but you just laughed at her.
so thats another month gone by and lots of new skills have developed, i wouldnt mind if you stop the hair pulling and nipping though, they really hurt lol.
love you so much my little man xxx

A seed

How does something so small, grow into something so unbelievably big.... my words fail me. The day the 'seed' was fertilized I didnt just grow a baby, I grew a love that brings tears to my eyes at the very thought of it. A friend recently told me how much being a mummy suits me and I told her back that everyday I think I couldn't possibly feel anymore love, until I just do.

It's 14 months since we bought those peter rabbit books, our first gift to you. We were clinging on to every piece of hope we could muster up that it would work. That you would keep growing! We read those stories to you everynight for 10 days....10 days of not knowing wether or not we were talking to an empty womb or one that now homed our growing baby. But even then the seed had been planted and the love was building.

Over the nine months an attachment, a love to you, became greater by the day and then you were born. We held you in our arms and we stared at you in complete disbelieve that you were here. But not just that you were here but that you were ours!

Over the following weeks I spent so many nights awake watching you sleep, listening to you take every tiny breath. Then you got bigger, you noticed us, you knew we were your mummy and daddy. You followed our voices. Then the smiles came and you would smile at us, then giggle.

Now you look at me, you hold your arms out to me, you look for me, but the thing that pulls at me the most is you cuddle into me. Squeezing your little hands around my neck you hold tightly and cuddle it, pulling away to see my face and then back in again.

That love, it grows by the second. I never could imagine this feeling before, its like nothing I have experienced and I cannot believe I am lucky enough to be allowed to have this.

a little controled crying equals a lot more sleep for mummy

well my cheeky little man. at around 6 week sold you started to sleep through, i thought i'd cracked it! then 9 weeks hit and the 'growth spurt' (or so everyon kept telling me) kicked in. every 2 hours at least you would wake, screaming to be fed. i would visit the health visitor and each tim i was told, 'its just a growth spurt'. but after 4/5 weeks i knew it wasnt so we tried weaning you from breast milk to formula, not all feeds but just a few. instead of taking to it, you decided you didnt like a bottle anymore, even thought you had been given one since birth. you went so far to even spit out your dummy. so we changed bottles, worked for a week or 2 but still no sleep!
resembling by this point a zombie mummy, we decided to start weaning you. you loved food from day 1, never leaving a drop of mush in your bowl, but still you continued to wake several times a night. sometimes hourly and feeding for upto 40 minutes at a time. we knew getting milk from me wasnt a problem cos i can give the cravendale cows a run for their money.
so 23 weeks old, 12 weeks of almost no sleep for me, i decided to go against all i have said i would do and i let you cry. the deciding point was when last wednesday, me you and daddy were laid snuggled on the sofa watching tv and your daddy asked me if you love me more then you do him. 'why?' i asked him. 'because he only settles with you'....... for 23 weeks i have enjoyed been the only one who could settle you, ive loved that when you cried i could snuggle you into me and you'd stop immediately. but ive now realised this is unfair to daddy. i decided the only way i can get you to settle with others is to get you to settle yourself. it was the hardest decision i have made so far considering there hasnt been a period of more then a few minutes where i have let you cry, even if i knew there was nothing wrong and it was just for some mummy attention.
so thursday night daddy was away on a stag do in barcalona. i massaged your creams onto your dry skin, i put your bedtime clothes on, we looked out of the window and said 'night night', we closed the blind ans then the curtans maing the room very dark. we then sat down, i fed you and then laid you awake in your cot with your light projector playing lullabies. i kissed you on the head and told you i love you and said goodnight. the minute i closed the door you cried, after 20 minutes of checking on you every 5 minutes you finally went to sleep, but you had got so worked up you were breathing funny so i ended up scooping you up and bringing you downstairs so i could keep a close eye on you.... of course you were fine. you woke several times in the night still.
friday it went on for over an hour, when you finally settled i was exhausted, but i had manged to leave you for lnger periods before checking. again you woke several times in the night.
saturday you cried for a few minutes and then you were quiet. ooooooo i thought we'd cracked it, popped my head in to check you were ok and you were laid there wide awake watching your lights, you gave me a big smile and i thought i'd messed it up!!! closed the door and when i checked half an hour later you were sound asleep. you woke a few times that night.
sunday night daddy was finally home!!!!!!!!! we showed daddy your routine and you went down. you cried for half an hour but i stayed out the whole time, i was clearly getting braver by the night. i dreamfed you at 11ish and then you slept till half 1, 4 and then came in bed with me for cuddles at 5.
monday night and tuesday night were pretty much the same as sunday night however you only woke at 3.30 and then 5 and then 3 and 6 this morning.
tonight we did our whole routine, saying goodnight to the world outside and settling you into your big cot that still seems too big a place for my little baby to sleep in. (i forgot to mention you have chosen to sleep on your tumy since being in your big boy cot and you snuggle your elliot comforter too). so i laid you there and smiling at me you rolled straight over, grabbing elliot on the roll over. 'goodnight my baby, i love you', kissed you on the forehead and left the room closing the door behind me. not a peep out of you tonight and you were asleep when i checked 15 minutes later, laid there in your giant bed snuggling your tiny nose into elliots cheek, holding him ever so tightly with your little chubby hand.
im so proud of you my little man! in less then a week, we have gone from screaming the minute i turned my back on you and waking at least 2 hourly.... to snuggling into your elliot teddy and going straight off to sleep, waking just once in the night before the sun is coming up and i bring you into bed with me for some mummy and finley cuddles....
love you more and more by the day my gorgeous little man
love mummy xxxx

you keep me strong

Finley, the last few weeks have been very hard for mummy. there are lots of things going on and i feel a little bit out of control over it all. the one thing that remains constant is you. you still look to me for cuddles, for feeds, for changes, for warmth, for smiles, for songs..... i could go on and on. i think about the feelings that i have now that i am a mummy, your mummy, and i feel completely and utterly overwhelmed by them. for just a short period of time you were so tiny you just laid in my arms and the only noises you made were cries to alert me to you needing somehing. now you giggle, you babble, you blow raspbrries, you cry and laugh at the same time when you're unsure of what it is you really want. you cuddle in and squeeze me tight making a little squeak of excitement at being in my arms.

this month i got to celebrate my first mummys day, i felt like the most special mummy waking up that sunday morning to a card you and daddy made together.

 it has your hands and footprints on it and pictures inside to show how you made the card with daddy. my present from you was a tattoo. a lickle moon for my lickle moon.


there are 13 starburst.... 13 was our lucky number during your treatment so this a very important number for you. the moon represents you and the white star at the bottom represents your brother or sister that we never got to meet. the black stars for the 3 long years we waited to hold you.

ive had to ask for a bit of help from nanna recently with looking after you everynow and then because mummy is so tired from all of your sleepless nights. at first i didnt want to see you go and i felt bad at leaving you, but i know now that i'm not leaving you .... im letting you spend time with your family that all love you so much too, and givibg myself the short break i needed to build my energy back up for when you're back in my arms being a little monkey again.

those 9 months of pregnancy seemed to last forever, but these past 5 months have flown by....look at you now sitting up all by yourself


i love you so so much my little man,

love from your mummy xxxxxx

i missed it :-(

well finley you little monke.... its been 22 days since you first rolled over. this morning i left you on your special quilt that i made for you whilst i put the washing in th dryer, when i came back you ad moved....a lot!!!!!!



i rang daddy and told him and we talked about how clever you are because you can also move around in a circle when laid on your tummy. as i put th phone down to daddy i put you back to your starting place and off you went again, back to tummy to back to tummy. ive worked out you must have done 3 1/2 rolls the first time to get that far!

well done my lickle man, we are so so proud of you xxxxx

Mothers day eve....

Do you know that feeling you get when you're 7 years old, its Christmas eve and you're just far too excited to sleep? Well that's me right now. Only its not Christmas and I'm not 7. Instead its the night before mothers day. Last year we had just found out lickle moon had stuck. I had hoped for a card 'from the bump' but I don't get one, I did however get two signs for my car, one said 'back off I'm pregnant' quite fitting really considering the raging hormones.... the second 'mummy to be, Becky, on board'. We made keyrings for our mums with a picture of lickle moons embie in, they were very cute and still being used now.

I've already had my pressie but ill tell you more about that tomorrow. For now I'm going to bed and going to try and get some sleep.....

Extremely excited about being a mummy on mothers day :o)

will he ever....

its strange the things that trigger a train of thought...i remember before we started our ivf journey i was once walking around H&M, i saw a mannequin that had a bump... i found myself questioning why even this lump of plastic could get pregnant. i find it quite amusing now i think back, that an inanimate object could generate such an irrational response...yet there it was!

my hubby has recently started calling me 'becky want want', apparently i'm never happy and always wanting more. of course this is not a new thing, and something he has been aware of since we met almost 8 years ago. back then my main obsession being shoes, he'd help me find new excuses of why i had to buy the 75th pair of shoes ... then the 76th, 77th, 78th..... ironic really that the one thing i bacme so desperate for (pregnancy) left me unable to wear all those beautiful shoes.

anyway... back to the point of this entry..... morrisons have a new advert. theres a little girl running through the house into the kitchen, she reaches up to the magnets on the fridge, unable to reach, her big brother scoops her up and helps her...... this left me thinking. will finley ever get the chance to be a big brother? being the oldest of 3 i know this role only too well. how younger siblings drive you round the bend jumping up and down in front of the tv whilst you try to watch your favourite programme, or how they 'borrow' your new top only to ruin it before you get the chance to wear it yourself. but then when their boyfriend breaks their heart for the last time, there is an overwheming urge to protect them.

just over a year ago i was wondering if we'd ever become parents, if i would ever hold a baby of my own in my arms, and now as i sit here bouncing him on my knee that wonderment has changed just ever so slightly. part of me feels greedy for wanting more already, for asking when we can try again for a sibling for finley. but back as a child when i cradled my dolls, i never just had the one, and i never envisioned my adultlife with just the one either. dont get me wrong..... finley is my world and if we arent successful in the future i will still be the happiest mummy in the world to have been given the oppurtunity to be his mummy and share his life with him, but i want him to have a brother or sister to share it with.

so answering 'becky want wants' question of when can we try again, my hubby has agreed for us to make a referral again in january. in the mean time, i will continue to thoroughly enjoy every single second of my little man.

A year on....

I'm currently laid in bed, wide awake, I have been fighting sleep now for the past 4 hours. Strange really that I was in exactly the same position this date last year. Only I was struggling to breathe as my stomach expanded from the swelling of my ovaries. I didn't know it yet but I was suffering from ohss, or ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome. A painful condition where fluid fills the ovaries causing great pain, swelling and the need for rest and close observation by the medical team at the ivf clinic. But the silver lining for me at that point was that it was secondary ohss, triggered by the long awaited baby I had growing inside me.

Yes we were lucky by a successful first attempt but never will I forget the trials and tribulations of the ivf journey. Of the daily injections and the mood swings they caused..... the worry of it not working teamed with the excitement of what if?! ...... the friends that I made in the journeys we were taking together..... the 13 fertilized eggs that resulted in just 1 poor to average embie.....

then of course there's the friends that I lost in the run up to the trip..... the years that I cried each month my period came, not only marking another month of no pregnancy, but causing immense physical pain too..... the baby I had growing so briefly inside me that was also lost along the way.....

So a year down the line, laid in bed with a sore throat and pounding headache, wide awake and listening to the sound of my baby breathing in his crib next to me..... I wonder..... what will the next year bring?

what a way to mark 4 months!!!

well my little man, you are now a whole 4 months old. i dont kow where to start, so much has happened since my last entry.

after sleepong through for several weeks, you suddenly began waking every hour, hour and half for feeds. everyone kept saying it was just a growth spurt and you would soon settle back down but 3 weeks later, resembling nothing other then a zombie, we spoke to the health visitor again. 'just keep doing what you're doing' she said. you're putting one weight rally well, your meeting all your milestones and more and you're a very happy content little baby boy..... so 'just keep doing what you're doing' she said 'hes a big boy and he's hungry'. i was shattered!!!

at 15 weeks i gave in and tried you on a little baby rice at tea time, you quickly guzzled it down, smiling away with every mouthful. you slept through till 4 that night. once we reached 16 1/2 weeks we started on the fun stuff. potatoe - you liked that one....parsnip - well to say you were disgusted is an understatement hehe. you wolfed down the carrot too.

you giggle your little head off now, when mummy kisses your neck you giggle until i stop, then you look at me with your big blue eyes as if to say 'again again!!!!'. you giggle as we bounce along to the wheels on the bus and you dance along to 'its the mickey mouse club house.....'

you sit perfectly with support and will sit for 15 to 20 seconds unsupported. you are trying your hardest to pull yourself up when laying down. you want to stand a lot of the time you little monkey, just holding mummys hands you will stand there all proud. but we're trying not to encourage you to do this just yet.... but you wont listen! you are so nosy, you dont like to be laid down any more, you want to look around at the world surrounding you.

when you go to other people for cuddles, you watch me, just to make sure i'm not going anywhere then you settle into amusing them with your charming smile and beautiful big blue eyes, you talk away telling them stories. but you're really good and will stay with others without getting upset too.

so you turned 4 months old on monday, we were laying you on your side and you were rolling to your front. i sat back, leaving you on your back. you started to swing your legs over, again , again and again...... then you rolled!!!!! right over, all by yourself onto your tummy. you finished it off by pulling out your arm and pushing yourself up. very proud of yourself you smiled, very proud of you i cried, picked you up, cuddled you and told you what a very clever little boy you are.

the days are flying by!!! a year ago on the 10th we found out you had stuck! i cannot believe its over a year since your adventures began and already you're 4 months old.

love you with all my heart

love mummy xxx

13 weeks....a number we hold dear.....5/2/2012

well my not so little man, you are 13 weeks old today! throughout treatment we had so many number 13's ... ill see if i can remember them.

• i stimmed for 13 days
• we had 13 follies at our first scan
• i had 13 mature eggs
• you were put back in me in the 13th hour of the day
• my official test date was the 13th of feb (clinic put it back to 14th though cos 13th was a sunday and they werent open)
• at your 12 weeks scan you measured 13 weeks

the number 13 is thought to be very unlucky by some people but your daddy and I seem to get followed around by it and it has brought with it some amazing memories. we even flew from terminal 13 when we went on our honeymoon.....

in the last couple of weeks you have just amazed me by how much you have developed, your head is so strong now and you sit there following me around the room. you smile allllll the time, my heart just melts everytime you smile at me its so beautiful. you are trying to giggle but theyre not quite coming out yet, mummy had a silent laugh when i was a child tho (grandad used to take the mickey out of me) so maybe you are just copying me. we sit reading your 'black and white' book which you love. you bash your play gym and your pram toy which we just got you. you shout at me if im not paying you any attention for just a brief second and then smile the second i look at you (you're soooo cheeky!!!!) but the biggest thing we have learnt about you this last week is................... you're a telly addict!!!!!! no i am not leaving you sat in front of tv all day, but if its on you will sit and stare at the bright lights moving about on the big screen. its so funny how even when we're changing your nappy, your head is turned as far round as you can get it so you can see the bright lights lol. i put 10 minutes of the childrens channel on each morning and i have learnt you like the mickey mouse club house, you get excited when they sing 'hot dog, hot dog, hot diggity dog.......'.

a few firsts for this last week are: you can now push yourself up when laid on your tummy, but we cant leave you there for more then a couple of minutes becaue you really dont like tummy time, you're getting beter though. you also went to the seaside for the first time this week too, we went to hornsea and had fish and chips, oh we were sat at table number 13 too........ and lastly, you had your first ever professional photo shoot.... and guess what..... you would not smile at the poor photographer no matter what we tried. you just looked at him as if to say 'who are you in my house and why are you pointing that camera at me saying "peek-a-boo"'. we still got some lovely pics though, just not many of you smiling.

so my little mister man, today you are 13 weeks old, tomorrow you will be 3 whole months. my body has almost returned to normal now, my pregnancy seeming like a distant memory. i still have my little brown line that runs down my tummy though, every time i see it, it reminds me that it once was your home, a home for 38 weeks and 5 days. i miss feeling your wriggles and kicks inside me but your smiles and hugs bring about emotions i never knew i could feel: pride, strength, a need to protect, but i think most of all.......love. all encompassing love.

love mummy xxx

your beautiful smile.....16/1/2012

finley you are now 10 weeks old. the days are quickly passing and each day your little personality begins to shine even brighter. when you wake in a morning you make little noises to let me know its time to get up, if im not there fast enough those little noises become cries for me to wake faster... but as soon as i peer into your crib your eyes light up and the corners of your mouth creep into a perfect little grin. as i scoop you up into my arms you coo and your eyes stay focused on my face.

we have a little mornng routine now and after a feed and a cuddle we get washed and then you lay on your changer as i massage your special creams into your skin to stop it getting dry and sore. most days you like it and you lay cooing and smiling, but som days you cry and tell me to go faster so you can get dressed. we sing nursery rhymes or play music and this makes you calm when you're getting upset.

you like to have cuddles with lots of different people and you always give your biggest grins to everyone; you're such a sociable little man. but you always follow my voice too and will turn to me when i talk ( i secretly like this cos i know you havent forgotten about me just cos someone else is giving you beautiful cuddles).

you love sitting on my knee and we bounce along to 'wind the bobbin up' and the 'wheels on the bus'. you smile so big when we sing and bounce and now your eyebrows dance along too.

when you sit cooing and talking to me, your full face moves now with so much expression. your funny little eyebrows wriggle around your forehead and your nose twitches whilst your nostrils flare. your mouth takes on new shapes with new noises escaping every day..... its a wonderful feeling as all my senses take in your beautiful actions.

on a night time your fall asleep on my breast after your night time feed, snuggled in you drift off int a quiet slumber. i lay you in your crib, tunr on the monitor and wander downstairs for some mummy time only to be called back up half an hour later by your cries. real cries now, with real tears that form in the corners of your eyes. but again, as soon as i scoop you into my arms you peer at me as if to say 'there you are mummy, where did you go?' and how can i resist another cuddle with you when your big smile screams innocence and a need for huggles. you will only be a baby for such a short time of your life, i intend to cherish every second of it i can.

i think its fair to say my darling baby, that your beautiful smile makes me fall in love with you just a little bit more everytime, even though every time i think i couldnt possibly love you more then i do in that second.

love from your mummy xxx

tears at new year.......1/1/2012

well my baby boy, you are now 8 whole weeks old, the time is flying by. in one sense it seems like yesterday that the mw passed you up to me and i looked at your perfect little face and beautiful eyes for the first time, but then i cant imagine you never been in our lives before, its like you've always being here.

in the last 2 weeks, mummy celebrated her first birthday as a mummy, your mummy. when i opened my first ever mummy birthday card, tears tumbled down my cheeks. we celebrated by going out for lunch at chiquitos and then we took ou to see santa. daddy thought it was madness that i was taking you to see santa, paying £6 for you to sit on his knee and you wouldnt remember any of it. but i will and we have a picture of you to show you when you are older. you got me a bautiful photo frame that says 'me and my mummy' and there was a beautiful piccie in it too.

we have akso celebrated christmas! waking up beside you on christmas day made my year. last year mummy avoided the family parties and even looked on at your aunty and unlce with pain as they held your cousin, he was 6 weeks old. this year we were showing you off, we were attending all those parties with excitement, wth pride, with happiness.... all that pain seemed so long ago, yet the memories of knowing we had once felt that pain remain, making the happiness feel all the more overwhelming.

last night was a very sedate new year, a million miles away from last year when daddy and i celebratd at a house party, disco fancy dress meant colours, glamour, sequins, big hair (and that was just daddy) and a lot of alcohol! we danced into the ealry hours until i crashed out on a sofa still wearing my platform heels and awoke with a thick head.

last night we were with your nana and grandad, we ate chinese and i bounced you on my knee singing your favourite nursery rhymes as you smiled at me, hanging on my every word, waiting for the next bounce to come. we stood on the door step of the house watching the fireworks explode into the air, a tribute to our very own 'firework finley', the nickmane you have inherited after being born on bonfire night. as the words of auld lang syne were being sung around us, daddy held me tightly as i held you tightly. tears again tumbling down my cheeks as i recalled staring 2011 with the fears of what our first ivf treatment was going to bring with it and there i was ending the year with my very own perfect little bundle. you really do mean the world to me finley, getting here was difficult but it was worth every single second of pain, upset ad discomfort and i would do it again in a heartbeat just to see your smiling face.

so heres to 2012, a year to look forward to .....with lots of firsts im sure....first giggles, first proper hugs, first crawls, first steps?

you're a whole month old already....6/12/20011

Finley, i cannot believe you are a month old, time is flying by so fast, i wish it wouldn't. I still find myself looking at you in complete disbelief, thinking i am dreaming and you are not real. but you are! and you grow so much each day and you're little personality is developing by the minute.

Last week we went to baby massage and you laid there enjoying every second as i massaged your little legs and feet, then your arms and hands and your little tummy, chest and back. You laid looking up at me, responding to my every touch. You are so beautiful.

Today we went to the same class but as all of you babies were very sleepy and then decided you were hungry we didnt do any massage. instead i had a nice chat with the other mummies and at the end we all sang some nursery rhymes. My favourite one went like this....
Up and down, up and down, side to side, side to side and round and round and round and round and here we go again.....
Up and down, up and down, side to side, side to side and round and round and round and round and now its time to stop!

You enjoyed it too as mummy bounced you around to the song. You are so alert, with your big blue eyes wide open waiting for the next words to come.

Last night you were very cheeky. You were having cuddles with daddy when you decided to cry, it sounded like you were really upset so i asked daddy what he had done (in a joking way), daddy said nothing and tried to soothe you. You continud to scream so i came over and picked you up.... you stopped immediately and looked at me and i swear you smiled at me. Daddy was a bit upset, but i think you're just been a bit clingy to mummy because we spend so much time together.... either that or you're playing mummy and daddy off each other already hehe.

We got you weighed yesterday... you now weigh 8lb 15oz!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The health visitor said you are doing wonderfully considering i can only feed you at one side..... so well done my little man.
love you more and more by the day
love mummy xxxxx

plunging into the deep end of parenting....18/11/2011

Well finley, when I imagined the first weeks of your life, I envisioned lots of mummy and daddy cuddles, showing you off and introducing you to the world and spending time doing some nice things as a family. In your ditsy week we made a tiny dent in the circle of family and friends waiting to meet you. But that was all put on hold on Monday night.


We have spent the past 3 nights in hospital. You were unresponsive to mummys voice, mummys touch, mummys attempts to feed you, wake you.... you just lay there floppy and asleep. You took your first journey in an ambulance at just 9 days old and spent the following hours been prodded and poked. Instead of learning about the cries you make to tell me your hungry, I heard your screams of pain. I sat down the corridor as they took fluid from your spine to check for meningitis, daddy held your hand as I couldn't bare to see what they had described them doing to you. But I soon realised how selfish that was and I was in there too. I held daddy as he held you and as soon as the needle was in you were floppy again. I don't know which was worse.


As we waited for the results (they took 48 hours) you were given antibiotics 3 times a day. 3 attempts to get a canula in your hand, again you cried at every attempt. The first dose of antibiotics left you covered head to foot in a rash. Trying not to panic I asked a nurse to check it, a Dr was called but as it disappears under pressure, wasn't itchy or painful for you they decided it was just a reaction and treatment would continue.


After the second dose you were picking up. Suddenly waking for feeds and crying and rooting to say 'feed me mummy'. by Tuesday night you were a different baby to not just the one we took into hospital on Monday, but to the one I have held in my arms since you were born. After everyone had left us, all the worried grandparents and aunts and uncles, mummy and you spent some time together alone. We sang nursery rhymes and I tickled your tiny fingers and your perfect little tummy. You responded to my touch and my voice and pulled faces I haven't seen you do before. I know they say a newborn doesn't smile but you pulled the corners of your mouth up in a smiling expression and that made mummy cry happy tears.


Wednesday night your canula broke down and left you with a puffy hand. 3 more attempts to get a new line in, I sat there holding you, trying to soothe your screams of distress and pain. I sang round and round the harsen, circling your tummy and you suddenly stopped crying and went to sleep. I kept asking the nurse if you had passed out, I didnt believe in myself enough to believe I had soothed you to sleep.


By the time your results were back yesterday you were active, moving lots, crying lots, wanting lots of cuddles and attention, feeding so well too. The really showed no meningitis, and no other infections that were tested for came up either. But I was told by a nurse friend on the ward in around 70% of cases like your finley, they never find the answers but it is very clear the medicine did the trick.


Daddy sent mummy to bed as soon as I had my tea last night, apparently lack of sleep in the hospital was causing problems with my yummy mummyness hehe (like I care). Daddy said you wouldn't let him put you down all night, you wanted lots of cuddles.


today is daddys last day off work, I wonder what we will do........ something nice just the 3 of us I think.


I am so proud of you my little man, you have shown so much bravery this last few days and you make mummy find strength and courage I never knew I had. You obviously bring out the best in me, the mummy I have always wanted to be. I hope I make you proud too.


Love you so so much

Love mummy xxxx

you're a week old already...12/11/2011

Finley, you're a week old today! This time last week daddy had just arrived back at the hospital to see us. We had spent a few hours alone and I had just laid there, staring at your beautiful face. So scared I would soon wake up from this wonderful dream where I had finally become a mummy. You had barely made a peep in those few hours, yet my tears of happiness flowed at seeing you just lay there.

This last 7 days has past in a blur, a flurry of friends and family who have visited you and brought you some wonderful presents and cards. Everyone thinks you are so beautiful and small.

Feeding has been difficult as mummy is producing too much milk for you ro keep up with so I am now expressing. We bought an electric pump and you seem to like the humming sound it makes, but don't think daddy is too impressed at 1 and 4 in the morning hehe but he says its ok. You have had a few feeds from mummy too in the last few days, I enjoy that time where I can take you to another room, away from everyone else and just have some time 'me and you'. we seem to get very little of that precious time due to all the visitors.

Right now you are laid on my lap, fast asleep, snuggled up warm. Were watching friends and having a giggle whilst daddy is out spending some time with a friend who lost his nana just days before you were born. Her nickname was nana moon, the world lost nana moon but gained you lickle moon.

I look at you still in complete disbelief, are you real? I check all the time to see if you are still breathing, just cos I'm so scared still but I think that's something all new mummies do, daddy said he does it too.

My lickle moon, my Finley Richard...... I love you so much, I promise to be the best mummy I can possibly be to you and I will care for you and do the best for you that I can.

Love from mummy xxxx

lickle moons birth story...9/11/2011

My baby boy is already 4 days old, were currently snuggled up in bed keeping warm making a plan for the day. First things first tho (of course after a feed and a change and a big snuggle) is to wrote down our story before we forget a single thing.


So as you all know things had been 'moving' for a couple of weeks. So ill start with when things started to get messy so to speak lol. On Monday last week I woke up with painful period type pains and was losing a lot of mucous and blood. It continued allllllll day but with no real progression to anything else. Tuesday...... the same. Wednesday things were much more settled and I was one very disappointed mummy to be.


At the 38 week cons appointment on Thursday, he decided to leave is to do things on our own but would induce me by week 41. No examination like he had promised! I broke down, sobbing I just wanted to know if my body was doing anything or I'd the last few weeks were just little games to keep me on my toes. Hubby said I could have won an Oscar for my performance..... very dramatic apparently Haha. so the examination went ahead and I was already 2-3cm!!! Feeling much happier with myself but very emotional off home we went.


An hour later the contractions were 7 to 8 minutely but only mild amd stayed that way all day. Night time came they were 3to4 minutely so off we went to labour ward to het checked over just in case with the strep b. An examination showed thongs hadn't really progressed since my earlier examination ny cons so was given option to stay or go home. Home we went grabbing a take away on way home, 3 hours layer I was fast asleep in bed. Everything had stopped!! Again!!!


Woke up very stressed and upset Friday lunch time, my mum turned up ay half one and took me to hers. After many tears and telling her how exhausted I was and worried I wouldn't have the energy to push when he was finally on his way. She gave me a big hug and told me to relax, stop been so scared (i didnt believe everything was going to go well and that I would be bringing my baby home) cos everything cos going to be fine and I would soon be a mummy. We had a nice walk and by the time we were walking back (about 5pm) my contractions started again. They were very different this time, I had to zone out to breathe through them and found myself making some rather strange grunting sounds Haha.


Hubby met me at my mums and we relaxed tjere, breathing through each pain as they came. Had a madras for tea which I thoroughly enjoyed and within 15 minutes if finishing the pains were very strong so decided to het a bath. I say strong, they were bareable and once over with, kinda made you think what an earth was I just screaming about cos the pain just vanishes in-between. An hour and half in the bath, every 5 minutes and I was starting to scream and swear through the pain.... still manageable tho. By 11.10pm they were 4 to 6 minutely but I was starting to feel the need for some pain relief so called the hospital. My mum said to give.myself another half an hour (good job I didn't tho lol) but I was aware of needing the antibiotics.


11.45 massive contraction on car park, port asked if I wanted a wheelchair but I was so scared I still wasn't in labour I refused. Another one in foyer, then a huge one at the ward entrance. As it finished I looked up to see the mw say 'you here to have a baby?' I really hope so was my response.


I got to the room and was given the gas adjacent air, contractions now every 2 minutes and lasting a minute. 'please say I'm more then 3cm' I begged........... 8cm and almost ready to go! With that my waters broke, they quickly got my iv in and administered my first dose of antibiotics. But it was too late, his head was already on his way down. I begged for pain relief but she just kept saying 'becky its too late, hell be here soon'. 'het my mother on the phone!' I screamed. Doing as told, hubby rang mum and pit her one speaker phone...'cos of you I can't have any pain killers and it effing hurts and this effing gas and air effing doesn't work.....' (you get the picture.... mw and Dr found it hilarious apparently!.


Anyways...... by about 12.45 they couldn't wait any longer and said to start pushing. Baby would have to have the antibiotics himself. The contractions were starting to blend, but with each one I would tell mused that I had 4 pushes, counting trough them....1 to get his head there.... 2 to stretch.... 3 to stretch and 4 to get him out. After a while I went from back to all fours, but then to my side. At 1.58 finley entered the world, took his first big scream and opened his left eye, eight one completely gunked over bless him. He came straight to me for skin to skin and i just lay there shaking, mesmerized by the little man in my sens and the pain had stooped immediately. I threw the gas n air nozzle, no longer needing it.


The placenta came away quickly and then I has to have stitches. I had a small perinieum tear and according to hubby my labia need stitching almost fully back on ( not sure if he's exaggerating and I darent look lol).


10 minutes after stitching complete, finley was taken to special care to have his iv fitted and first dose of antibiotics.... I got up, showered and was raring cereal bars and drinking lucozade when he returned.


Hubby has told everyone how proud of me he is and how I just got on with it and got him out so fast. Yes I swore, screamed, begged they used forceps (apparently lol) bit I dis it on just gas and air and gave him the.most precious and beautiful gift he could ask for. He's a little disgruntled that so far finley is a mini mummy but were noticing more daddy in him by the day.


If you got to the end of this well done lol. So much more I could say but I'm sire there must be a word limit on here lol.


So after weeks of 'am i? Aren't i?'. He's here, my beautiful lickle moon, my beautiful finley Richard. Xxx

lickle moon is a lickle boy.....5/11/2011

Just a quick birth announcement. Our bonfire night baby boy finley Richard was born at 1.58 weighing 7lb and half an ounce! He's perfect. After a very slow slow labour, it all went very fast and he was delivered with just gas and air.

Didn't get the antibiotics in me in time so were here for 2 days and he's currently away having an iv fitted so he can have the antibiotics himself.

He's perfect. Can't believe he is here and we are finally parents. I'm the happiest mummy in the world! Xxx

dont know how to carry on..... 4/11/2011

i am 38 + 4 and have been in slow labour for a week now. i started with irreugular contractions last friday - definitely not braxton hicks cos theyre bloody painful and ive been getting braxton hicks since early on and theyre very differnt. they lasted for 4 hours then stopped. same thing on sat n sunday for a few hours. then woke early hours monday morning with awful period type cramps and was losing my plug. the pains were evry 15 minutes, and i was losing a lot of mucous and small blood clots. 5 hours later the pains stopped but the 'show' continued ever since.
i saw my consultant yesterday who examined me and told me i was 2cm dilated and gave me a sweep. within an hour i was getting contractions every 6 -9 minutes. by 3ish they were more regular. by 4 they were every 4 minutes and getting stronger and stronger. at 7 i finally rang the labour ward who told me to go in (i have strep b so shouldnt leave it too late but was so scared of them stopping again). they were continuing and becoming increasingly painful to a point were i could no longer breath through them. when i was examined again i was at 3cm but my cervix was completely soft so was just a case of waiting for that extra 1cm before they would say i was in established labour. she gave me the option to go home and have some food and try to rest and then come back in a few hours hopefully by which point i woiuld be at 4cm. so at half 11 we left and went and got some food. i last looked at the clock at 2.30ish and then it was suddenly half 3. they'd stopped been so painful and regular and i'd fallen asleep.

ive then slept all morning, aware of some continuing contractions but only mild. they are now every 12 minutes again and although they hurt theyre nothing like last night. i'm exhausted and just dont know what to do with myself. my mum keeps telling me to have some castor oil but im adamant i wont have any after reading the risks - my baby is too precious to take that chance. i keep telling myself baby will come when he's ready and not before. but if it carries on like this i dont think ill have any energy to push baby out. having spd doesn't help either cos the pain and pressure in my pelvis now is awful.

right now im doing my best to not sit and cry cos thats all i feel like doing im so tired.

exhausted.... 2/11/2011

even more teasin.....31/10/2011

well....... woke up at 2this morning with the worst period pains ever!!!!!!!!!!! went to the loo and i was losing loads of bloody discharge (sorry for the tmi). shouted to hubby 'oooo i think things might be moving', he grunted n said ok lol n went back to sleep - bless him lol. went back to bed and spent the next 5 hours wide awake as was getting very painful tightenings every 15 minutes and was feeling a ton of pressure. had to go to loo andother 2 tmes before i got up and have continued to lose this mucousy stuffy heavily.

just woke up and realised ive slept for the last hour and half with no more pains. theyve stopped again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

bleeding is continuing though and now im losing 5p sized blood clots, just rang the day unit who said this is all normal and is baby trying to get things going and sounds like my cervix is opening. cramps have started back up again and i have awful dull backache.

plans for today..... walking and bouncing on my ball!

will lickle moon be a halloween baby or will he sill be in there next week lol? xxxx

is this the start?....29/10/2011

I have such a naughty baby teasing his mummy. At 11ish yesterday morning I started with irregular (between 4 and 7 minutes) but bloody painful tightenings. As I was at my mums, she had me out walking trying to get things started properly. Since baby engaged my pgp has improved so much so I was able to walk a fair bit. They continued for about 4 hours then suddenly stopped. Then a few hours later started back up, even more painful this time, would stop me from what I was doing and had to breathe through them, they were coming between 2 and 5 minutes. As I was at a friends house I was starting to think I should call hubby when they slowed down and went down to every 10 to 15 minutes. So came home, went to bed and only had 2 that woke me during the night. Had another 3 in last hour but still very irregular.

My mum and dad were so excited cos they thought that was it yesterday lol. But for now lickle moon is just teasing his mummy I think lol Xx

full term =one scared mummy to be .... 25/10/2011

well lickle moon, there are now just 2 weeks and 5 days until your official due date. up until yesterday mummy was just so excited and hadn't experienced even a moment of fear in quite some time. but that all changed yesterday when i realised i really dont know what to expect. ive read all the books, ive spoke to lots of people, i know the 'theory' behind child birth...... but i realised i don't actually know what i should be expecting my body to do.

when i went to the toilet in the early hours, i lost a a lot of water that wasn't mummy weeing and when i woke up i had wet knickers. i didnt know what to do and didnt know if that was my waters or not. so i sat and cried. i rang your nanna who thought that it sounded like my waters and when your grandma came round she made em ring the midwife. after a very long day of trying to get somebody to listen to mummy we finally got checked over and was told they hadn't broken. i felt silly, but most of all i felt scared. i snuggled into daddy and told him i am scared because i dont know what to expect. daddy explained to me that we cant possibly know what is going to happen because you're our first baby. that made sense but i still felt very upset last night.

i worried that after getting this far with you, i still might not get to bring you home. this journey has been so tough my lickle moon and even though i have loved feeling you in my tummy and having you move around letting me know you are ok, i have wished for the 9 months to go quickly. i know i wont actually believe you're real until i hold you in my arms and see your beautiful little face look up at me, until your little fingers grasp at mine and i feel you snuggle into me for comfort. i promise to care for you the very best i can and to be the best mummy i can be. you are about to change my life forever and i am so grateful that you are on your way. i have tears as i write this, tears of fear, happiness and excitement.

so when you're ready my baby, we're ready to meet you.

see you soon, my darling lickle moon
love from your mummy xxx

1 month till due date...14/10/2011

OMG!!!!!! one month today is your due date lickle moon. today is uncle alex' 15th birthday so we have been celebrating that tonight at your nanna and grandads. this time next month we will either be celebrating your birth or i will still be sat rather inpatiently waitng to meet you hehe.

mummy is far too excited now, i go all giddy everytime i see something of yours, and now we are so close to you being here, you seem to have things everywhere. theres the crib in mummy and daddys bedroom, the bath in the bathroom, the travel cot waiting to go up in the living room..... and then of course theres your bedroom. i think mummy might just let you share daddys room and ill sleep in your room bacuse i just love it! its not finihsed yet, but heres a sneaky peak of the 2 walls that aunty lucy drew and mummy has painted.


its hopefully going to be finished this weekend, we are going to get your carpet on sunday and then we have to just put all of your furniture together. if that task is anything like putting mummys bed together a few months ago then its going to be a stressful task.....mmmmm.... not sure if we'll ask daddy to help with that or not. think ill just let him make the cups of tea hehe.

see you soon, lickle moon

love from your very very excited mummy xxxxx

lickle moon w painted your bump....30/9/2011

good morning my lickle moon, its nice and early at half 6 and ive already been up for the past 2 hours with you wrigling about in my tum. i'm starting to hope you activity in mummys tummy is not going to be a reflection of your activity outside of mummys tummy otherwise i better get down to the shops and buy myself some very good eye make-up hehe.

i thought i would quickly tell you about last night, daddy has been feeling a bit low so i thought we could do something to cheer him up - it was his birthday on monday (he was 28) and he always gets sulky at birthdays lol. so we bought some facepaints and i told daddy to paint you a picture.

so i'm sat there on the sofa in my nickers and bra with your big fat bump out whilst daddy first of all painted you white, then drew a picture of a moon on. we gave your moon a hat on to keep your head warm, its stripey, red, green and grey (daddy chose the colours sorry hehe) and then we started to draw your face. you wriggled and jiggled in there whilst daddy drew on you, and at point stuck your bum so high in the air your picture looked a bit funny. mummy added your name on once daddy was finished.

all of a sudden the front door opens and in walks nana and grandad - oooooops! we forgot to lock the door, what a site mummy must have looked with her giant tum out on display and barely wearing any clothing hehe.

so anyway, heres a picture of the final result......

see you soon my licke moon
love mummy xxxx

32 weeks!!!!!!!!!....22/9/2011

awwww how mean is it of mummy to refer to you as being cooked lol. of course what i really mean is that your are 3/4 of the way ready to being here with mummy and daddy. 10 weeks to go...... just 70 days!!!!!

somedays i think that i dont want you to come out becasue i will miss feeling your kicks and punches inside me (and i love that i am the only one who can feel it hehe), but then i want you to meet your daddy. i want him to be able to feel your kicks and wriggles as much as i do when you lay in his arms on a saturday morning watching soccer am (according to daddy hehe) whilst mummy makes the bacon sarnies.

everyday i change my mind wether you are a boy or a girl, if you are a boy your name is chosen and has been since before you were inside mummies tummy. but if you're a girl.... well thats a different story. i think we have about 12 names we cannot agree on so we wil just have to wait and see.

i wonder who you look like? do you have mummys freckled chubby cheeks and daddys bright sparkling blue eyes? do you have lots of thick black hair like your aunty lucy or will those locks be bright red like some of the members on both mummys and daddys side? of course it doesnt matter who you look like, i am just very curious.

there are so many people looking forward to meeting you. you are going to be loved so so so much by 2 sets of grandparents, 3 great grandparents, 2 aunties and your very lucky to have 4 uncles. and then theres all of mummys and daddys friends who want to be your aunties and uncles too and theres just too many of them to count. not to mention all of the lickle friends waiting to meet you too.

so.... in no more then 70 days (maybe 71 if your a lickle monkey and choose not to come out) we will get to say our first hello. i realy cannot wait.

lots of love my lickle moon

from your mummy xxx

75% cooked.... 5/9/2011

awwww how mean is it of mummy to refer to you as being cooked lol. of course what i really mean is that your are 3/4 of the way ready to being here with mummy and daddy. 10 weeks to go...... just 70 days!!!!!

somedays i think that i dont want you to come out becasue i will miss feeling your kicks and punches inside me (and i love that i am the only one who can feel it hehe), but then i want you to meet your daddy. i want him to be able to feel your kicks and wriggles as much as i do when you lay in his arms on a saturday morning watching soccer am (according to daddy hehe) whilst mummy makes the bacon sarnies.

everyday i change my mind wether you are a boy or a girl, if you are a boy your name is chosen and has been since before you were inside mummies tummy. but if you're a girl.... well thats a different story. i think we have about 12 names we cannot agree on so we wil just have to wait and see.

i wonder who you look like? do you have mummys freckled chubby cheeks and daddys bright sparkling blue eyes? do you have lots of thick black hair like your aunty lucy or will those locks be bright red like some of the members on both mummys and daddys side? of course it doesnt matter who you look like, i am just very curious.

there are so many people looking forward to meeting you. you are going to be loved so so so much by 2 sets of grandparents, 3 great grandparents, 2 aunties and your very lucky to have 4 uncles. and then theres all of mummys and daddys friends who want to be your aunties and uncles too and theres just too many of them to count. not to mention all of the lickle friends waiting to meet you too.

so.... in no more then 70 days (maybe 71 if your a lickle monkey and choose not to come out) we will get to say our first hello. i realy cannot wait.

lots of love my lickle moon

from your mummy xxx

how ivf and pregnancy has changed me.... my journey in pictures....29/8/2011

this time last year i was laid up with the worst hangover of my life after one very very messy hen night. after spending the last 10 minutes looking for a picture to post with this jounral, it seems too many of them needed censoring as they are very X rated!!! lol. so this is the most sedate one i can find, one of the few that doesnt have my knickers on show....

hanging from a bar (literally) in a pub in town, showing the world behind me my bottom (oooops)
Although from my description of my hen nght i may sound like i once was a real party girl... this couldn't be further from the truth. i loved to go out, to dance, to sing, to show off my best assets (wink wink) but never did it that much and preferred the glamming up that came before it. hours i'd spend shopping, looking for the perfect party dress, matching 6 inch heels and of course the bag, jewellery and even a new eye shadow all to match. then out to dance the night away, quite often still standing in my 6 inch heels at 2 in the morning as i waitied for a taxi. it's how i met my hubby and its how i spent time having fun with my girl friends.

over the years i danced less and less, so much so, at times i now feel like a drunken monkey throwing my arms and legs around on the dance floor.... i seem to have lost my co-ordination and style.
my weight has yo-yo'ed and at times been far too low, my health has never been particularly great (small understatement haha), and the times when the pain and anxiety of infertility took its toll left me looking ...well like crap!


but last year when we finally got our referral through, when we finally got the answers that i needed, i took back some control of my self and started to make that effort i once used to take with my self. as i began a journey i knew i was going to have very little control over, i figured the only thing i could do was find a way to be strong and feel good about myself. that step started with taking each day one at a time, and starting the year out as i hoped to continue it...... yes that meant my extensions were back... as were the false lashes, lashings of make up, sparkly clothes and of course my trusty 6 inch heels (fancy drss party - i dont normally look this OTT honestly)

suprisingly the first few weeks of treatment seemed fairly easy in some ways. the injections although the leg ones definitley hurt, were bareable, knowing that each drawn up syringe, each needle in my tummy, each day that past ...... all one step closer to our baby been with us.
then the day came where we finally saw our baby for the first time, just a blob of cells, resembling nothing other (to us) a lickle moon. so the name stuck

and as we counted down those days till we tested and found out if our baby had held on, that strength and courage and excitement i had been desperate to hold onto at the start of the year would come and go. to be told 10 days later lickle moon had stayed with us... i cant describe how it makes me feel, there are no words in my vocabulary that are meaningful and strong enough to give justice to my emotions.
but to then watch my baby grow from this tiny blob to this

then this..

then this...

has been magical.
and to see my tummy grow from this when i first started to grow my lickle moon bump...

to this just this weekend...

well.... it still astounds me everyday that this has happened, i still expect to wake up from the dream to find out its not real.
pregnancy has brought with it so many ups and downs, and it has changed me as a person in many ways... as i looked at my finger nails yesterday during the 3 hour drive back home from a family wedding, i noticed i hadn't even shaped and filed them for the day. even worse, i had left remnants of old (luckily clear) polish on them from our last wedding 3 weeks ago. a year ago i wouldnt have left the house with chipped nail polish. never in the past would i have turned upto a wedding in a pair of flat shoes, they were always my focal point so had to be FABULOUS, this weekend i wore peach ballerina pumps, a bump brace and spent the day either using crutches or in a wheelchair .... couldnt be further from the glamourous days of the past.
i spend most of my days in 'comfy' clothes, and the only pictures i now take are of my ever expanding bump. i look in the mirror and see a tired, chubby girl

taking on the daily mundane battles of life again, what washing to do, which room to try and clean first, what money do i have.... combined with the tiredness and aching of the physical effects of been pregnant. and then of course theres the newfound battle of work and been unable to go due to my health.

but as i battle my emotions over what steps to take next, i realised last night that i'm not the same person anymore.

i'm not the 18 year old girl trying to impress everyone around her with my fabulous fashion and diva dance moves.

i'm not everyone elses keeper and can't be all things to all people.

wearing six inch heels and having perfectly groomed nails made me feel beautiful .... but now i'm going to be a mummy.

some people will say you shouldn't lose yourself just because your a mummy, that you shouldnt change who you are just because you have a child. but my dream was to become a mummy, and as the days to that reality get closer i know i am about to start the next stage of my life and i do not know what that will hold... but i know i have to stop trying to predict it. start taking one day at a time again and when my dreams finally do become real.... new dreams will grow and develop to allow those one day become a reality too.

so for now i will make all attmepts to be a yummy mummy xx

12 weeks to go, spd and crappy care...20/8/2011

well lickle moon. daddy just quoted me on somehting i said ages ago 'i'll love every minute of been big and orund and pregnant'. yet all i have done this last few weeks is moan and cry with one thing or another. do not get me wrong lickle moon, i would go thorugh all this again a million times over, but pregnancy is throwng up a whole load of new challenges for your mummy.

this last couple of weeks my pain has been really bad, and as you will know from my last journal i got very little support from the hospital to tell us why. fortunately mummy was able to overcome her stubborness and anger towards the hospital and did what was right for me and you and went back to the hospital wanting answers. the new dr we saw said that i have a poorly pubic bone, it's not coping too well with all the changes to my body (i did say one day my skinny matchstick legs would struggle with the fat belly). i am very very upset that all the staff who looked after us earlier in the week couldn't see what te problem was but at least now we know. mummy has to have physio and hopefully this will help. it hurts so much to sit, walk, stand...well just about everything. even my loveley long hot(ish) baths dont help anymore.

we are seeing the consultant on thursday and i have a big list of questions for him. we are going to make sure we see him and not a different dr, because he saw your daddy and me just over a year ago, and it was that same very kind man who helped us to make you. i know he listens and i know he's very honest. so far we are very unhappy with the care we have been given since leaving the ovf unit, but i will make sure that from now on they are treating you like the special baby that you are and making ure everything is safe for you.

i cannot believe that in 12 weeks time you should be here. daddy really better get a move on with your nursery. everybody is helping daddy but i guess from now on mummy will have to sit back and watch to make sure her poorly hips dont get any worse. ive asked daddy if we can put your crib together tomorrow then mummy can make the bedding for it. i am so so excited.
looking forward to seeing you more and more everyday...
lots of love my lickle moon
your mummy xxxx

feeling very let down...17/8/2011

well lickle moon, you really do not how to keep mummy on her toes. on monday night i was getting tightening feelings that were coming every 15-20 minutes and were quite painful. i breathed through them, took some paracetamol and had a nice soak in the bath. none of which really helped much so off we went for an early night.

yesterday i woke up after a vry restless nights sleep, feeling tired, exhasted, worred but even wirse still in pain. by this point i had back ache and an almost constant dragging type feeling quite low down. you were still kicking me lots so i knew you were ok in there.

by lunch time it was no better so i rang the midwife for a bit of support, fully expencting her to say its just braxton hicks, you're fine dont worry. instead, they wanted to see us to check us over because she said they had been going on for quite some time now.

when we were get there, the midwife looking after us was brilliant. straight away she had us in a room and was tryng to get a tracing of your heart, but like usual, you did not want to play. in the end the nice lady took us through to put you on the tv. i only got a quick look at you because she was only checking your heart rate, but you have grown so much. i could see you little fists clenched up punching at my tummy. she was happy that you seemed ok. whilst she was scanning you, mummy had another big contraction which the midwfie felt too and she was very worried.

back to the bed and back to tryung to get the tracing machine on you, with more success this time. the dr quickly came to see us and told us they were concerned you were going to come early and wanted to do a test to see if that was happening or not. the said to ring daddy now. but mummy had been trying to be brave and not call daddy out of work unless he needed to so now i was worried. i called daddys office but he wasnt there, i told the lady on the phone what was happening and then i started to cry. i was very scared you were coming and i really wanted daddy with us.

we got put on to the ward and thats when everything went down hill care wise. the midwife looking after us was ok but the ward itself was awful. the bed was very uncomfortable and the pillows werent worth using.
the dr came and did the test which was just a little swab from mummys cervix and he said that everything still looked closed so they were happy with that.he did notice i had a bit if thrush so he gave us some tabets for that to get that sorted.

then an hour later the midwife came and said the test was negative, you were not about to make an appearance. the relief that dady and i felt was immense, you're not meant to be here yet! but it left the question over what was causing the pain and the contractions which by this point had finally stopped.
then we were left....left ....and lft some more. daddy asked if he should get me some things from home and was told yes like it was the most obvious thing in the world. we didnt know wether i was staying or going because nobody had told us anything. then tea came...well thats a whole other issue but if you feel sick from what mummy ate i'm sorry. manky lettuce,cucumber and plastic beef wasn't great but solidified rice udding foating in water was just horrendous.

daddy went and brought us somethings and then after playing games on the hospital tv for a while he had to go because it was the end of visiting.

still very uncomfy, the new midwife suggested a bath. we had a bath and felt no better so settled down for another very unsettled and uncomfortable night.

this morning i was told dr would be coming to see me, so we waited. we were also told that if i was still in pain i would be staying. every other patient in our room saw a dr, but instead a dr reviewed my notes and told the midwife to send me home. when she came to tell me, i told her i am still in pain so she offered to do another trace. perfect she said, not a problem. by this point i was also getting shoulder pain which she has put down to my endometriosis flaring up during pregnancy. she also told us that were bound to be anxious with this being an ivf baby.

still no answers. she tells us again we can go home when were ready but no point rushing if im still in pain. but theyre not going to do anything else so i then think well why bother staying??? i felt like nobody cared that i am still in pain, still got lots of pressure, back aches and frequent pains very low down at the front. but because their test has said im not in labout they don't seem to care. 'its just one of those things'!!!!

im supposed to have my first consultant appointment next week and they were going to cancel it as i have seen them this week. I didnt even see a bloody consultant!!!! the dr who saw me yesterday was a trainee by the sounds of it, yet they thought they could cancel my appointment next week without even speaking to my consultant. well its not cancelled now, and i will make sure i tell our consultant how uhappy i am with everything. right now all i feel is that i dont want to go there to give birth but i know i have absolutey no option in the matter because there is no where else.

so now i am home, needing to calm down. i hope my little rant will help in that and i now need to leave it be. nothing i can do, nobody there is bothered im still in pain. so rest for the day it is!

lickle moon, mummy loves you so so much and is so scared of something bad happening. i know though that you are strong, stronger then mummy i think, because mummy is very weak sometimes. i promise to take really good care of you, just stay put and be good. xxx

movement antics...2/8/2011

well lickle moon, you obvioulsy like to keep mummy very busy and on her toes. after a visit to the antenatal day unit on thursday because you had been a lazy bum for a full day and had decided to just sleep and not kick or punch or head butt mummy at all...you havent kept still since and i just love it.

this morning you woke me up with the biggest mvements so far and i was able to catch them all on video to show you when you are older. for 10 whole minutes you squirmed around in your lickle house and you kept sticking your bum up and down... and up and down some more. i just laid giggling at you as you were obviously trying to get comfy in your new position.

when you finally calmed back down i put my hand on your bottom and i felt a little poke further across to the left. i put my hand there and felt what i think was your shoulder and leading down to your arm. it was so amazing to be able to work out how you are laid, cos normally i'm just guessing depending on where you're moving hehe.

you have wiggled and danced all day and i couldnt wait to share the video with daddy. he was amazed too. you will have to do an encore later so daddy can see too.

we love you lots lickle moon, our very own gymnast.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iTzpkoEILLU&feature=mfu_in_order&list=UL

love mummy xxxx

24 weeks today....25/7/2011

i can't believe i am now 24 weeks pregnant with you my lickle moon. everyday i am amazed that i have a baby inside me, growing from something that was once too small for us to see by our eyes alone. but now you are so big i can see you kick and wriggle and head butt me all day long. i can tell you're going to keep me busy when you're here because you are always on the go, day and night.

today was a big milestone for me lickle moon, because i know now that there is a chance if you were born early you could still survive. i know that is a really strange way to think, but i suppose because of the work mummy does, seeing lots of very premature babies, this is something i am very aware of, of course i hope you stay in mummys tummy until november though and i'm very sure you will. mummy has to just stop finding things to worry about, (silly mummy).

we are starting your nursery now, mummy has created a beautiful, giant, winnie the pooh mural, which your grandad is going to get printed for you at his work. and then your aunty lucy and mummy are going to paint it. it is going to fill the whole wall, i really hope you like it. we have all of your furniture ready to put together but we need to find you some bedding and curtains that will match your fabulous room.

i also just bought your 'just born' outfit, ready for the day you are here with mummy and daddy. its got thumper on it and it is so sweet. you have matching vest, sleep suit, hat, booties, bib and even a sleeping bag - you will be the most co-ordinated baby. (much to daddy's disaproval i also bought you a pair of little shoes, now you can only wear these if you're a girl because they're girls shoes, but they are so cute and also a bargain so i had to get you them...just in case hehe)

and today.... mummys friends started to plan our baby shower, i am really looking forward to this because then every one will come together to celebrate mummy (and daddy) expecting you and might also bring you a gift or too.

so, we now have less then 16 weeks to go until you are due to be here and mine and daddy's arms. i cannot put it into words how excited we are that you are coming but its all starting to feel very very real. especially as everyone things im so big carrying you already.... i dread to think how round mummy is going to be by the time you are due... the world 'blimp' comes to mind lol. but mummy doesn't mind in the slightest, as long as you're safe and happy.

love you lots and lots my lickle moon,
love mummy xxxx

licle moons 20 week scan.... 27/6/2011

omg!!!!!! our baby is just sooooo beautiful. and definitely cheeky and stubborn too lol. as the sonographer talked us through every single inch of the babies anatomy, i just lay there with silent (happy) tears streaming down my face. his legs, his feets and toes, his hips, his spine, his stomach, his kidneys, his bladder, his heart (including all 4 chambers and the 3 main vessels), his arms, his hands and fingers, his head, his mouth, his nose, his eyes, his brain..... everything just perfect.

still got that cute little nose, and we saw him swallowing the amniotic fluid too lol.
got a really good look at his legs as he sat there feet together... although like mumymys dady he appears to be very bow legged hehe. and we all take the mick out of daddys daddy saying he has a big nose, and my neice holds her fist up to her nose and says 'dada dunk'..... well this baby also wants to play this game.....

and of course, baby has to to show off like mummy always did (does lol)...... by showing he can lift his feet right upto hs head... (the 2 little white dots above his face are his toes...)

so that is todays 20 week scan.... still calling him a him, but no we didnt find out cos daddy really didnt want to know. mummy nearly asked her to look and just tell me but we all know i cannot keep a secret.
so now we're half way there. and now we can start to decorate the nursery.... its a big job so its a good job we've still got 20 ish weeks to do it hehe.
xxxx