A seed

How does something so small, grow into something so unbelievably big.... my words fail me. The day the 'seed' was fertilized I didnt just grow a baby, I grew a love that brings tears to my eyes at the very thought of it. A friend recently told me how much being a mummy suits me and I told her back that everyday I think I couldn't possibly feel anymore love, until I just do.

It's 14 months since we bought those peter rabbit books, our first gift to you. We were clinging on to every piece of hope we could muster up that it would work. That you would keep growing! We read those stories to you everynight for 10 days....10 days of not knowing wether or not we were talking to an empty womb or one that now homed our growing baby. But even then the seed had been planted and the love was building.

Over the nine months an attachment, a love to you, became greater by the day and then you were born. We held you in our arms and we stared at you in complete disbelieve that you were here. But not just that you were here but that you were ours!

Over the following weeks I spent so many nights awake watching you sleep, listening to you take every tiny breath. Then you got bigger, you noticed us, you knew we were your mummy and daddy. You followed our voices. Then the smiles came and you would smile at us, then giggle.

Now you look at me, you hold your arms out to me, you look for me, but the thing that pulls at me the most is you cuddle into me. Squeezing your little hands around my neck you hold tightly and cuddle it, pulling away to see my face and then back in again.

That love, it grows by the second. I never could imagine this feeling before, its like nothing I have experienced and I cannot believe I am lucky enough to be allowed to have this.

a little controled crying equals a lot more sleep for mummy

well my cheeky little man. at around 6 week sold you started to sleep through, i thought i'd cracked it! then 9 weeks hit and the 'growth spurt' (or so everyon kept telling me) kicked in. every 2 hours at least you would wake, screaming to be fed. i would visit the health visitor and each tim i was told, 'its just a growth spurt'. but after 4/5 weeks i knew it wasnt so we tried weaning you from breast milk to formula, not all feeds but just a few. instead of taking to it, you decided you didnt like a bottle anymore, even thought you had been given one since birth. you went so far to even spit out your dummy. so we changed bottles, worked for a week or 2 but still no sleep!
resembling by this point a zombie mummy, we decided to start weaning you. you loved food from day 1, never leaving a drop of mush in your bowl, but still you continued to wake several times a night. sometimes hourly and feeding for upto 40 minutes at a time. we knew getting milk from me wasnt a problem cos i can give the cravendale cows a run for their money.
so 23 weeks old, 12 weeks of almost no sleep for me, i decided to go against all i have said i would do and i let you cry. the deciding point was when last wednesday, me you and daddy were laid snuggled on the sofa watching tv and your daddy asked me if you love me more then you do him. 'why?' i asked him. 'because he only settles with you'....... for 23 weeks i have enjoyed been the only one who could settle you, ive loved that when you cried i could snuggle you into me and you'd stop immediately. but ive now realised this is unfair to daddy. i decided the only way i can get you to settle with others is to get you to settle yourself. it was the hardest decision i have made so far considering there hasnt been a period of more then a few minutes where i have let you cry, even if i knew there was nothing wrong and it was just for some mummy attention.
so thursday night daddy was away on a stag do in barcalona. i massaged your creams onto your dry skin, i put your bedtime clothes on, we looked out of the window and said 'night night', we closed the blind ans then the curtans maing the room very dark. we then sat down, i fed you and then laid you awake in your cot with your light projector playing lullabies. i kissed you on the head and told you i love you and said goodnight. the minute i closed the door you cried, after 20 minutes of checking on you every 5 minutes you finally went to sleep, but you had got so worked up you were breathing funny so i ended up scooping you up and bringing you downstairs so i could keep a close eye on you.... of course you were fine. you woke several times in the night still.
friday it went on for over an hour, when you finally settled i was exhausted, but i had manged to leave you for lnger periods before checking. again you woke several times in the night.
saturday you cried for a few minutes and then you were quiet. ooooooo i thought we'd cracked it, popped my head in to check you were ok and you were laid there wide awake watching your lights, you gave me a big smile and i thought i'd messed it up!!! closed the door and when i checked half an hour later you were sound asleep. you woke a few times that night.
sunday night daddy was finally home!!!!!!!!! we showed daddy your routine and you went down. you cried for half an hour but i stayed out the whole time, i was clearly getting braver by the night. i dreamfed you at 11ish and then you slept till half 1, 4 and then came in bed with me for cuddles at 5.
monday night and tuesday night were pretty much the same as sunday night however you only woke at 3.30 and then 5 and then 3 and 6 this morning.
tonight we did our whole routine, saying goodnight to the world outside and settling you into your big cot that still seems too big a place for my little baby to sleep in. (i forgot to mention you have chosen to sleep on your tumy since being in your big boy cot and you snuggle your elliot comforter too). so i laid you there and smiling at me you rolled straight over, grabbing elliot on the roll over. 'goodnight my baby, i love you', kissed you on the forehead and left the room closing the door behind me. not a peep out of you tonight and you were asleep when i checked 15 minutes later, laid there in your giant bed snuggling your tiny nose into elliots cheek, holding him ever so tightly with your little chubby hand.
im so proud of you my little man! in less then a week, we have gone from screaming the minute i turned my back on you and waking at least 2 hourly.... to snuggling into your elliot teddy and going straight off to sleep, waking just once in the night before the sun is coming up and i bring you into bed with me for some mummy and finley cuddles....
love you more and more by the day my gorgeous little man
love mummy xxxx

you keep me strong

Finley, the last few weeks have been very hard for mummy. there are lots of things going on and i feel a little bit out of control over it all. the one thing that remains constant is you. you still look to me for cuddles, for feeds, for changes, for warmth, for smiles, for songs..... i could go on and on. i think about the feelings that i have now that i am a mummy, your mummy, and i feel completely and utterly overwhelmed by them. for just a short period of time you were so tiny you just laid in my arms and the only noises you made were cries to alert me to you needing somehing. now you giggle, you babble, you blow raspbrries, you cry and laugh at the same time when you're unsure of what it is you really want. you cuddle in and squeeze me tight making a little squeak of excitement at being in my arms.

this month i got to celebrate my first mummys day, i felt like the most special mummy waking up that sunday morning to a card you and daddy made together.

 it has your hands and footprints on it and pictures inside to show how you made the card with daddy. my present from you was a tattoo. a lickle moon for my lickle moon.


there are 13 starburst.... 13 was our lucky number during your treatment so this a very important number for you. the moon represents you and the white star at the bottom represents your brother or sister that we never got to meet. the black stars for the 3 long years we waited to hold you.

ive had to ask for a bit of help from nanna recently with looking after you everynow and then because mummy is so tired from all of your sleepless nights. at first i didnt want to see you go and i felt bad at leaving you, but i know now that i'm not leaving you .... im letting you spend time with your family that all love you so much too, and givibg myself the short break i needed to build my energy back up for when you're back in my arms being a little monkey again.

those 9 months of pregnancy seemed to last forever, but these past 5 months have flown by....look at you now sitting up all by yourself


i love you so so much my little man,

love from your mummy xxxxxx