is not knowing better?

for 3 years every month i would convince myself i was pregnant..... my periods would be late AGAIN so of course this month was our month, but no, it never was. since having finley my periods have regulated themsleves, no more 50odd day cycles so far.

we made the decision to re-refer for our next round of ivf in january next year, but then also agreed to start trying again naturally because 'who knows' maybe we could be one of those lucky ones that it happens to. so this month around ovulation time we got jiggy a few times ;-) my 2ww symptoms from my pregnancy with finley then followed like clockwork. increased cm continued, pain in my boobs that shot through radiating into my nipples, heavy boobs, tiredness causing me to feel sleepy in an afternoon. then came the nose of a bloodhound, retching at the smell of my dads pork sandwhich and then the sickness followed later that day. even came down with an infction, last time it was a chest infection, this time a severe urinary tract infection. still 2 days off my due date i think we both became a little excited over the 'what if' until it all ended by the bright red blood staining my brand new pair of knickers. Not this month then!

we didnt even make it to test date to find out if this was just a random bunch of symptoms making us believe what anyone who has encountered the ivf train wants to believe, or if we had in fact just experienced our second chemical pregnancy. would it have been worse to test positive first? im sure it would, but the not knowing makes me feel silly for being just a little bit upset over something that i dont even know we had.

after all those many many months of tears at every period, i WILL NOT get caught back up in this. we have Finley now, we treasure him so much and are thankful every day for what we have. so how do you go about trying to conceive naturally after infertility has meant the only way of conceiving was through ivf. is it even worth trying or do we resign ourselves to the fact we can only make babies with a little bit of help?