this time last year we were in a very different place to were we are now. it was a very diffuclt, painful and unhappy time for us for the follwoing reasons.
i held hubbys hand as we had just very unexpectedly found out about hubbys very poor sperm count, morphology and motility and were told it was very unlikely we would ever conceive naturally but to remond ourselves there was some sperm there so with the help of ivf icsi we still had a chance of becoming parents one day
the following day i had cervical biopsies for my abnormal smear and was dreading to be told my cervical changes were progressing again (previously at cin stage 2). following the mess i got in after the last treatment, i was so scare during the procedure and i remember just looking at hubby for some reassurance that i was going to be ok, this time him holding my hand but the fear in his face as he saw how much pain i was in said it all. luckily this time the changes weren't as progressed and i didnt require any further treatment.
so then after having 9 days to recover from that i had my 3rd laparoscopy surgery. this time to be told both ovaries were attached to my pelvic wall from the endo nd there was more in other places too. i took 7 weeks to fully recover after this one, but we kept the hope by reminding ourselves that me being endo free ( for however long it lasts) meant 2 things: firstly i would be pain free (hopefully) for our wedding and honeymoon, and secondly that i now had a better chance of holding onto a baby when we started ivf.
so a year on from those horrendous 11 days, we are married, had a fantastic day with all of our friends and family and then went on to have a wonderful honeymoon, and we now have our own little person on the way. so those awful 11 days are a matter of history, a distant memory filled wih heart ache and pain; but heartache and pain we overcame and i believe shows the courage and strength our relationship has. i love my husband very much, he has always stuck my me throughout my ill health and continues to do so now. i know he will make a fabulous daddy and i can't wait for that day to come.
becky xx
Wednesday, 7 March 2012
4 big kicks...ARGH!!!!... 08/06/2011
so for a few weeks ive been feeling flutters and popping and almost a turning feeling inside your lickle house, but tonight, we were laid watching tv, daddy was asleep next to us after a very hard day at work, when you kicked me! twice!!!! it felt so strange, i just paused the tv, looked down at my tummy and you did it again!!!!! i started to giggle, and i woke daddy and told him that ou just kicked me, it was so much stronger then anything i have felt before and i just sat laughing. daddy sleepily smiled as i described it to him, i just wish he could feel it too. after a very hard week and feeling quite low, you have just cheered m up so much, giving me that little reminder that you are here.
mummy loves you very much and can't wait to feel you kicking me so strongly again
xxxxx
mummy loves you very much and can't wait to feel you kicking me so strongly again
xxxxx
the moment i realised i'm going to be a mummy... 22/5/2011
Everyday since getting my bfp Ive thought about and dreamt of the moment I will hold our baby in my arms, hold him or her closely to me and take in a big breath of that new baby smell. Everyday I've said to myself I will enjoy of second of this pregnancy and not wish it pass by in a whirlwind of passing time.
I thought the day we saw the little baby on the agreed during the first scan I would immediately believe that bfp was real, yet the 5 week and the 8 week didn't really satisfy that doubt.
Weeks later, a Cheeky 13 week bouncing baby, opening and closing his mouth, wriggling his bum and not really working with the sonagrapher to get the perfect view, made me smile, giggle, even brought a tear to my eye..... yet still that doubt niggling away at me, not always, mostly just fleeting, but still there hiding away in the back of that little mind of mine.
A trip to babies r us... a cot, changing table, car seat, travel cot and bottles later..... all spent up and excited about decorating athe nursery eventually..... but just a matter of days later, I'm on the phone to mike, tears streaming down my eyes as I fear the pain I'm feeling signifies the end of this journey.... for now anyway. Reassured by the Dr everything is ok, my smile is back but the doubt remains, hiding in the background.
A trip to the baby show and I wander round smiling and cooing over babies everywhere. A feeling quite alien to me as I resalised smiles replaced my grimace and wide opened eyes in place of the tears normally tumbling through squinted eyes. My heart racing with joy and excitement instead if anger, pain and fear.
we buy a doppler, and later as I lay there listening to a second beating heart, checking my own to reassure that doubt again, I smile and my mind wanders with visions of what the future may bring.
Well this morning, that feeling I've been longing for finally came. I realised, I was stood there transfixed by a bump... a home that encloses my growing baby. Water tumbling down that bump, shower drops and tears. Hands wrapping round a baby so longed for and loved. That feeling of doubt not there, just completely overcome with hope and excitement, but most of all with love at our very precious, miracle baby, getting bigger and bigger by the day.... and each day we get nearer to the day we get to hold you in our arms, hold you tightly to us and take in a big breath of that new baby smell. Xxx
I thought the day we saw the little baby on the agreed during the first scan I would immediately believe that bfp was real, yet the 5 week and the 8 week didn't really satisfy that doubt.
Weeks later, a Cheeky 13 week bouncing baby, opening and closing his mouth, wriggling his bum and not really working with the sonagrapher to get the perfect view, made me smile, giggle, even brought a tear to my eye..... yet still that doubt niggling away at me, not always, mostly just fleeting, but still there hiding away in the back of that little mind of mine.
A trip to babies r us... a cot, changing table, car seat, travel cot and bottles later..... all spent up and excited about decorating athe nursery eventually..... but just a matter of days later, I'm on the phone to mike, tears streaming down my eyes as I fear the pain I'm feeling signifies the end of this journey.... for now anyway. Reassured by the Dr everything is ok, my smile is back but the doubt remains, hiding in the background.
A trip to the baby show and I wander round smiling and cooing over babies everywhere. A feeling quite alien to me as I resalised smiles replaced my grimace and wide opened eyes in place of the tears normally tumbling through squinted eyes. My heart racing with joy and excitement instead if anger, pain and fear.
we buy a doppler, and later as I lay there listening to a second beating heart, checking my own to reassure that doubt again, I smile and my mind wanders with visions of what the future may bring.
Well this morning, that feeling I've been longing for finally came. I realised, I was stood there transfixed by a bump... a home that encloses my growing baby. Water tumbling down that bump, shower drops and tears. Hands wrapping round a baby so longed for and loved. That feeling of doubt not there, just completely overcome with hope and excitement, but most of all with love at our very precious, miracle baby, getting bigger and bigger by the day.... and each day we get nearer to the day we get to hold you in our arms, hold you tightly to us and take in a big breath of that new baby smell. Xxx
lickle moon.. you fatty...9/5/2011
well just got back from 12 week scan... you are so beautiful, stubborn! but beautiful. you were laid on your tummy so the lady couldnt measure you so she jiggled and jiggled you but you were not moving onto your back. instead you stuck your bum out to her and rolled back onto your tummy. so off we went for a little walk, had a fizzy drink and pretended to do some hula hooping and by the time we got back you were laid nicely on your back, perfectly for her to meaure you.
at what should be 12 weeks and 5 days you are meauring 13 weeks!!! clearly those naughty take aways are helping you to become a not so little lickle moon.
your heartbeat is perfect, and your little nose is so cute. you kept opening and closing your mouth which made your mummy giggle. you are just perfect, and i had a few tears seeing you there so big.
so no wonder mummys getting such a bump so quickly!!!
lots of huggle, kisses and cuddles from your mummy xxx
at what should be 12 weeks and 5 days you are meauring 13 weeks!!! clearly those naughty take aways are helping you to become a not so little lickle moon.
your heartbeat is perfect, and your little nose is so cute. you kept opening and closing your mouth which made your mummy giggle. you are just perfect, and i had a few tears seeing you there so big.
so no wonder mummys getting such a bump so quickly!!!
lots of huggle, kisses and cuddles from your mummy xxx
12 weeks tomorrow... 3/5/2011
Tomorrow lickle moon i will be 12 whole weeks pregnant. Can you believe it? I can't! It still seems like yesterday the nurse was telling me it had worked, you had stuck, you are there in my tummy growing into a beautiful baby. From the size of pin prick (well even smaller really) to now being the size of a plum.
The last 8 weeks since that day have continued to be an emtional rollercoaster, days where i have convinced myself you are no longer there and have cried myself into such a state daddy hasn't known what to do with me.... then theres the days were all i talk about is you and daddy's sat there listening to my arguments as to why you deserve the most expensive pram in the shop to travel around in style (daddy thinks this is actually just a fashion statement for me and is NOT buying into a £900 pram lol). ... then theres been nights like tonight, were those very nasty hormones take over and turn me into what daddy recently referred to me as the 'devil incarnate'. OOOPS!
We get to see you again on Monday morning, we can't wait. Yesterday daddy was watching 'Jess and Friends' on CBEEBies, when i asked what he was dong he said he was getting into practice for when you get here then insisted we go sit next to him so you could hear it too. Bless him, you Daddys never fails to suprise me.... of course we wont tell his 20+ very manly friends of your daddys sunday morning activites hehe.
Being the overly eager mummy i am, i started to make you a patchwork quilt today, as i sat there sewing the squares together, i highlighted to daddy i am doing this by hand, not using the sewing machine upstairs. i hope you like it.
So one last thing to record in todays journal and thats a picture of mummy's already apparent bump!
You're convincing everyone there is more then one of you in there!
Lots of love, huggles and kisses from your mummy xxxx
The last 8 weeks since that day have continued to be an emtional rollercoaster, days where i have convinced myself you are no longer there and have cried myself into such a state daddy hasn't known what to do with me.... then theres the days were all i talk about is you and daddy's sat there listening to my arguments as to why you deserve the most expensive pram in the shop to travel around in style (daddy thinks this is actually just a fashion statement for me and is NOT buying into a £900 pram lol). ... then theres been nights like tonight, were those very nasty hormones take over and turn me into what daddy recently referred to me as the 'devil incarnate'. OOOPS!
We get to see you again on Monday morning, we can't wait. Yesterday daddy was watching 'Jess and Friends' on CBEEBies, when i asked what he was dong he said he was getting into practice for when you get here then insisted we go sit next to him so you could hear it too. Bless him, you Daddys never fails to suprise me.... of course we wont tell his 20+ very manly friends of your daddys sunday morning activites hehe.
Being the overly eager mummy i am, i started to make you a patchwork quilt today, as i sat there sewing the squares together, i highlighted to daddy i am doing this by hand, not using the sewing machine upstairs. i hope you like it.
So one last thing to record in todays journal and thats a picture of mummy's already apparent bump!
You're convincing everyone there is more then one of you in there!
Lots of love, huggles and kisses from your mummy xxxx
emotions flying everywhere...19/4/2011
i had my midwife booking in appointment yesterday, it went well, was there a good hour and half discussing my history and the mw taking down all my details, doing tests for bloods, blood pressure, temp, urine etc. due to having ivf we have to have consultant led care so have been reffered to an obstetrician, luckily though its the one we saw first time in subfertility clinic and i liked him so fc i'll find him supportive.
my brother in law had pyloric stenosis had birth, and my cousin passed away aged 1 due to liver abnormalities so we have also been referred to the peadiatric team for them to consider this and see if baby needs any tests.
lastly, due to my complex history of depression i have also been referred to the local mums to be mental health team to discuss my worries around post-natal depression and to discuss ways to keep myself well.
today i am just about holding back the tears. feeling so very emotional and just generally all over the place. ive been up throughout the night with a heaviness in my tummy and have had period type cramps all day. im terrified something is wrong. all logic sense tells my that its everything stretching whilst lickle moon goes through a growth spurt, but the crazy lady inside tells me to go see a dr and get it checked cos clearly something is wrong. i feel really feint and have no energy and have had to come home from work again. mw unavailable, epau wont help, and gp will see me at 4 but to be fair i cant see they'll do anything so im not sure wether or not to go.
then i feel like a selfish cow for moaning how i feel, i am so happy and was so desperate for a baby, i feel like i shouldn't whinge, i know my changing hormoes are probably making me feel so tempermental too.
oh lickle moon, i really hope everything is ok, mummy loves you lots and lots xxxxxxx
my brother in law had pyloric stenosis had birth, and my cousin passed away aged 1 due to liver abnormalities so we have also been referred to the peadiatric team for them to consider this and see if baby needs any tests.
lastly, due to my complex history of depression i have also been referred to the local mums to be mental health team to discuss my worries around post-natal depression and to discuss ways to keep myself well.
today i am just about holding back the tears. feeling so very emotional and just generally all over the place. ive been up throughout the night with a heaviness in my tummy and have had period type cramps all day. im terrified something is wrong. all logic sense tells my that its everything stretching whilst lickle moon goes through a growth spurt, but the crazy lady inside tells me to go see a dr and get it checked cos clearly something is wrong. i feel really feint and have no energy and have had to come home from work again. mw unavailable, epau wont help, and gp will see me at 4 but to be fair i cant see they'll do anything so im not sure wether or not to go.
then i feel like a selfish cow for moaning how i feel, i am so happy and was so desperate for a baby, i feel like i shouldn't whinge, i know my changing hormoes are probably making me feel so tempermental too.
oh lickle moon, i really hope everything is ok, mummy loves you lots and lots xxxxxxx
lickle moons 8 week scan ... 6/4/2011
daddy saw you for the first time since you would put back in mummys tummy today (ive already had a coule of sneaky peaks hehe) and it was so so special to see you again. it took a minute to find you because you have tucked yourself right up in the corner. you have changed so much from a little ball of cells on the day we first saw you, into what looks lik a mouse hehe. but i dont think lickle mouse sounds as cute so lickle moon will have to stick.
we could see your heart beating and the shape of your head, distinguished from the shape of your tummy, where your legs and arms are just starting to grow. at last weeks scan you measured 6weeks and 3 days (that was 8 days ago), now you measure 7 weeks and 6 days. so you're growing very well. we are lucky though, becasue if you had measured 8 weeks like you actually are today, then we wouldn't have got to see you again in 4 weeks time.
the nurse at the ivf clinic said that they are very very happy for us and would like us to take you to them when you are here so they can have a cuddle. they have discharged us now so hopefully we wont see them until you are born in november. we have to ring the midwife team tomorrow to request anti-natal care but because you're a special ivf baby we have to be looked after by a consultant, not the midwife. don't really know what that means for us, but hopefully it means they are going to treat you like the very special baby that you are.
so unofficially you are due on the 17th November but we will find out exactly when you are due when we have your next scan - not that that means anything really because daddy has already decided such a special baby decides to have a very special date for his birthday, so he thinks you're coming on th 11th of the 11th of the 11th (11/11/11)
so big cuddles from mummy and daddy and we'll see you again in 4 weeks my darling lickle moon xxxx
we could see your heart beating and the shape of your head, distinguished from the shape of your tummy, where your legs and arms are just starting to grow. at last weeks scan you measured 6weeks and 3 days (that was 8 days ago), now you measure 7 weeks and 6 days. so you're growing very well. we are lucky though, becasue if you had measured 8 weeks like you actually are today, then we wouldn't have got to see you again in 4 weeks time.
the nurse at the ivf clinic said that they are very very happy for us and would like us to take you to them when you are here so they can have a cuddle. they have discharged us now so hopefully we wont see them until you are born in november. we have to ring the midwife team tomorrow to request anti-natal care but because you're a special ivf baby we have to be looked after by a consultant, not the midwife. don't really know what that means for us, but hopefully it means they are going to treat you like the very special baby that you are.
so unofficially you are due on the 17th November but we will find out exactly when you are due when we have your next scan - not that that means anything really because daddy has already decided such a special baby decides to have a very special date for his birthday, so he thinks you're coming on th 11th of the 11th of the 11th (11/11/11)
so big cuddles from mummy and daddy and we'll see you again in 4 weeks my darling lickle moon xxxx
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