sat crying... why? not sure. feeling pretty overwhelmed. after a week of wonder when ec would be to having ec on wednesday, all went well but was left with another wait to find out if we had any embryo's growing. call today to tell us we have 10 embryos! 9 doing really well, 9!!!!!!
so i had a lovely day out, feeling very upbeat, went and had a fish foot massage with my mum and aunty, did a bit of retail therapy and then went and had a nice lunch. came home and relaxed until my girly friends came round for takeaway and a good old catch up.
my mood is suddenly very deflated. i'm super tired cos havent slept in 2 nights and even before then my sleep was patchy. i'm in a lot of discomfort still with my tummy but nothing unbearable.
and ..... well i guess its suddenly dawning on me that this cycle is coming to an end. all the energy and effort i have found to put into this thing over the last several weeks and now its nearly over. and suddenly i'm thinking what if it doesn't work. all along i've thought 'it will work', 'it has to work' and now i can feel doubt. even though i tried to be realistic and tell myself it might not work, i dont think i believed it. and now, its there, this giant black cloud of doubt asking 'what if?'.
my embie isnt even back with me yet and i'm doubting. not my embryo, but myself. what if i cant keep it, what if it doesn't want to stay with us. what if my womb is inhospitable! i know i have no control over this, and having a negative outlook will definitely not help. so i need to find some positivity. some reassurance that if it does work it will be amazing, but if it doesn't, i can get through it and i can find the strength to pick myself up and try again.
i think the progesterone is definitely playing havoc - we never really get on lol. my boobs are back to watermelon size, rock hard and hurt like hell.
i suddenly feel really vulnerable and needy. where's my strength and independence hiding? hopefully a good nights sleep will help me find it and pull myself together. if not i will sit and wallow in self pity for the next couple of days until someone beats the misery out of me.
night xxx
so i had a lovely day out, feeling very upbeat, went and had a fish foot massage with my mum and aunty, did a bit of retail therapy and then went and had a nice lunch. came home and relaxed until my girly friends came round for takeaway and a good old catch up.
my mood is suddenly very deflated. i'm super tired cos havent slept in 2 nights and even before then my sleep was patchy. i'm in a lot of discomfort still with my tummy but nothing unbearable.
and ..... well i guess its suddenly dawning on me that this cycle is coming to an end. all the energy and effort i have found to put into this thing over the last several weeks and now its nearly over. and suddenly i'm thinking what if it doesn't work. all along i've thought 'it will work', 'it has to work' and now i can feel doubt. even though i tried to be realistic and tell myself it might not work, i dont think i believed it. and now, its there, this giant black cloud of doubt asking 'what if?'.
my embie isnt even back with me yet and i'm doubting. not my embryo, but myself. what if i cant keep it, what if it doesn't want to stay with us. what if my womb is inhospitable! i know i have no control over this, and having a negative outlook will definitely not help. so i need to find some positivity. some reassurance that if it does work it will be amazing, but if it doesn't, i can get through it and i can find the strength to pick myself up and try again.
i think the progesterone is definitely playing havoc - we never really get on lol. my boobs are back to watermelon size, rock hard and hurt like hell.
i suddenly feel really vulnerable and needy. where's my strength and independence hiding? hopefully a good nights sleep will help me find it and pull myself together. if not i will sit and wallow in self pity for the next couple of days until someone beats the misery out of me.
night xxx
No comments:
Post a Comment