having a meltdown - 10/02/2011

i'm in a right old state with myself. in july we were told i was pg then 6 hours later i was told the blood tests confirmed actually i wasn't. 2 positive urine tests were wrong. i wasn't given any answers so didnt know what i think. i researched it and found out it had prob been a very early miscarriage which my gp confirmed and the nurse at the ivf clinic also agreed with. because i never knew what to think i never allowed myself to grieve cos it felt silly to when i didn't even know for sure.

but i just realised next week was my due date - i'd worked it out in the 6 hours i was pg. it's set me off crying and now i can't stop! i feel like im about to have a panic attack which i haven't had in years and now i'm terrified about my treatment not working. i know i have no control over it what so ever and stressing is not going to help at all but i have this overwhelming sense of fear and i can't breathe.

ive just spent 20 minutes on the phone with my mum crying and she just kept saying be positive and she was really trying to help but i feel sick.

we're supposed to be going to meet our friends son tonight and ive just text my hubby and told him i cant go. i'll probably freak out.

i don't know what to do with myself. i need to breathe - thats a good starting place.