i missed it :-(

well finley you little monke.... its been 22 days since you first rolled over. this morning i left you on your special quilt that i made for you whilst i put the washing in th dryer, when i came back you ad moved....a lot!!!!!!



i rang daddy and told him and we talked about how clever you are because you can also move around in a circle when laid on your tummy. as i put th phone down to daddy i put you back to your starting place and off you went again, back to tummy to back to tummy. ive worked out you must have done 3 1/2 rolls the first time to get that far!

well done my lickle man, we are so so proud of you xxxxx

Mothers day eve....

Do you know that feeling you get when you're 7 years old, its Christmas eve and you're just far too excited to sleep? Well that's me right now. Only its not Christmas and I'm not 7. Instead its the night before mothers day. Last year we had just found out lickle moon had stuck. I had hoped for a card 'from the bump' but I don't get one, I did however get two signs for my car, one said 'back off I'm pregnant' quite fitting really considering the raging hormones.... the second 'mummy to be, Becky, on board'. We made keyrings for our mums with a picture of lickle moons embie in, they were very cute and still being used now.

I've already had my pressie but ill tell you more about that tomorrow. For now I'm going to bed and going to try and get some sleep.....

Extremely excited about being a mummy on mothers day :o)

will he ever....

its strange the things that trigger a train of thought...i remember before we started our ivf journey i was once walking around H&M, i saw a mannequin that had a bump... i found myself questioning why even this lump of plastic could get pregnant. i find it quite amusing now i think back, that an inanimate object could generate such an irrational response...yet there it was!

my hubby has recently started calling me 'becky want want', apparently i'm never happy and always wanting more. of course this is not a new thing, and something he has been aware of since we met almost 8 years ago. back then my main obsession being shoes, he'd help me find new excuses of why i had to buy the 75th pair of shoes ... then the 76th, 77th, 78th..... ironic really that the one thing i bacme so desperate for (pregnancy) left me unable to wear all those beautiful shoes.

anyway... back to the point of this entry..... morrisons have a new advert. theres a little girl running through the house into the kitchen, she reaches up to the magnets on the fridge, unable to reach, her big brother scoops her up and helps her...... this left me thinking. will finley ever get the chance to be a big brother? being the oldest of 3 i know this role only too well. how younger siblings drive you round the bend jumping up and down in front of the tv whilst you try to watch your favourite programme, or how they 'borrow' your new top only to ruin it before you get the chance to wear it yourself. but then when their boyfriend breaks their heart for the last time, there is an overwheming urge to protect them.

just over a year ago i was wondering if we'd ever become parents, if i would ever hold a baby of my own in my arms, and now as i sit here bouncing him on my knee that wonderment has changed just ever so slightly. part of me feels greedy for wanting more already, for asking when we can try again for a sibling for finley. but back as a child when i cradled my dolls, i never just had the one, and i never envisioned my adultlife with just the one either. dont get me wrong..... finley is my world and if we arent successful in the future i will still be the happiest mummy in the world to have been given the oppurtunity to be his mummy and share his life with him, but i want him to have a brother or sister to share it with.

so answering 'becky want wants' question of when can we try again, my hubby has agreed for us to make a referral again in january. in the mean time, i will continue to thoroughly enjoy every single second of my little man.

A year on....

I'm currently laid in bed, wide awake, I have been fighting sleep now for the past 4 hours. Strange really that I was in exactly the same position this date last year. Only I was struggling to breathe as my stomach expanded from the swelling of my ovaries. I didn't know it yet but I was suffering from ohss, or ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome. A painful condition where fluid fills the ovaries causing great pain, swelling and the need for rest and close observation by the medical team at the ivf clinic. But the silver lining for me at that point was that it was secondary ohss, triggered by the long awaited baby I had growing inside me.

Yes we were lucky by a successful first attempt but never will I forget the trials and tribulations of the ivf journey. Of the daily injections and the mood swings they caused..... the worry of it not working teamed with the excitement of what if?! ...... the friends that I made in the journeys we were taking together..... the 13 fertilized eggs that resulted in just 1 poor to average embie.....

then of course there's the friends that I lost in the run up to the trip..... the years that I cried each month my period came, not only marking another month of no pregnancy, but causing immense physical pain too..... the baby I had growing so briefly inside me that was also lost along the way.....

So a year down the line, laid in bed with a sore throat and pounding headache, wide awake and listening to the sound of my baby breathing in his crib next to me..... I wonder..... what will the next year bring?

what a way to mark 4 months!!!

well my little man, you are now a whole 4 months old. i dont kow where to start, so much has happened since my last entry.

after sleepong through for several weeks, you suddenly began waking every hour, hour and half for feeds. everyone kept saying it was just a growth spurt and you would soon settle back down but 3 weeks later, resembling nothing other then a zombie, we spoke to the health visitor again. 'just keep doing what you're doing' she said. you're putting one weight rally well, your meeting all your milestones and more and you're a very happy content little baby boy..... so 'just keep doing what you're doing' she said 'hes a big boy and he's hungry'. i was shattered!!!

at 15 weeks i gave in and tried you on a little baby rice at tea time, you quickly guzzled it down, smiling away with every mouthful. you slept through till 4 that night. once we reached 16 1/2 weeks we started on the fun stuff. potatoe - you liked that one....parsnip - well to say you were disgusted is an understatement hehe. you wolfed down the carrot too.

you giggle your little head off now, when mummy kisses your neck you giggle until i stop, then you look at me with your big blue eyes as if to say 'again again!!!!'. you giggle as we bounce along to the wheels on the bus and you dance along to 'its the mickey mouse club house.....'

you sit perfectly with support and will sit for 15 to 20 seconds unsupported. you are trying your hardest to pull yourself up when laying down. you want to stand a lot of the time you little monkey, just holding mummys hands you will stand there all proud. but we're trying not to encourage you to do this just yet.... but you wont listen! you are so nosy, you dont like to be laid down any more, you want to look around at the world surrounding you.

when you go to other people for cuddles, you watch me, just to make sure i'm not going anywhere then you settle into amusing them with your charming smile and beautiful big blue eyes, you talk away telling them stories. but you're really good and will stay with others without getting upset too.

so you turned 4 months old on monday, we were laying you on your side and you were rolling to your front. i sat back, leaving you on your back. you started to swing your legs over, again , again and again...... then you rolled!!!!! right over, all by yourself onto your tummy. you finished it off by pulling out your arm and pushing yourself up. very proud of yourself you smiled, very proud of you i cried, picked you up, cuddled you and told you what a very clever little boy you are.

the days are flying by!!! a year ago on the 10th we found out you had stuck! i cannot believe its over a year since your adventures began and already you're 4 months old.

love you with all my heart

love mummy xxx

13 weeks....a number we hold dear.....5/2/2012

well my not so little man, you are 13 weeks old today! throughout treatment we had so many number 13's ... ill see if i can remember them.

• i stimmed for 13 days
• we had 13 follies at our first scan
• i had 13 mature eggs
• you were put back in me in the 13th hour of the day
• my official test date was the 13th of feb (clinic put it back to 14th though cos 13th was a sunday and they werent open)
• at your 12 weeks scan you measured 13 weeks

the number 13 is thought to be very unlucky by some people but your daddy and I seem to get followed around by it and it has brought with it some amazing memories. we even flew from terminal 13 when we went on our honeymoon.....

in the last couple of weeks you have just amazed me by how much you have developed, your head is so strong now and you sit there following me around the room. you smile allllll the time, my heart just melts everytime you smile at me its so beautiful. you are trying to giggle but theyre not quite coming out yet, mummy had a silent laugh when i was a child tho (grandad used to take the mickey out of me) so maybe you are just copying me. we sit reading your 'black and white' book which you love. you bash your play gym and your pram toy which we just got you. you shout at me if im not paying you any attention for just a brief second and then smile the second i look at you (you're soooo cheeky!!!!) but the biggest thing we have learnt about you this last week is................... you're a telly addict!!!!!! no i am not leaving you sat in front of tv all day, but if its on you will sit and stare at the bright lights moving about on the big screen. its so funny how even when we're changing your nappy, your head is turned as far round as you can get it so you can see the bright lights lol. i put 10 minutes of the childrens channel on each morning and i have learnt you like the mickey mouse club house, you get excited when they sing 'hot dog, hot dog, hot diggity dog.......'.

a few firsts for this last week are: you can now push yourself up when laid on your tummy, but we cant leave you there for more then a couple of minutes becaue you really dont like tummy time, you're getting beter though. you also went to the seaside for the first time this week too, we went to hornsea and had fish and chips, oh we were sat at table number 13 too........ and lastly, you had your first ever professional photo shoot.... and guess what..... you would not smile at the poor photographer no matter what we tried. you just looked at him as if to say 'who are you in my house and why are you pointing that camera at me saying "peek-a-boo"'. we still got some lovely pics though, just not many of you smiling.

so my little mister man, today you are 13 weeks old, tomorrow you will be 3 whole months. my body has almost returned to normal now, my pregnancy seeming like a distant memory. i still have my little brown line that runs down my tummy though, every time i see it, it reminds me that it once was your home, a home for 38 weeks and 5 days. i miss feeling your wriggles and kicks inside me but your smiles and hugs bring about emotions i never knew i could feel: pride, strength, a need to protect, but i think most of all.......love. all encompassing love.

love mummy xxx

your beautiful smile.....16/1/2012

finley you are now 10 weeks old. the days are quickly passing and each day your little personality begins to shine even brighter. when you wake in a morning you make little noises to let me know its time to get up, if im not there fast enough those little noises become cries for me to wake faster... but as soon as i peer into your crib your eyes light up and the corners of your mouth creep into a perfect little grin. as i scoop you up into my arms you coo and your eyes stay focused on my face.

we have a little mornng routine now and after a feed and a cuddle we get washed and then you lay on your changer as i massage your special creams into your skin to stop it getting dry and sore. most days you like it and you lay cooing and smiling, but som days you cry and tell me to go faster so you can get dressed. we sing nursery rhymes or play music and this makes you calm when you're getting upset.

you like to have cuddles with lots of different people and you always give your biggest grins to everyone; you're such a sociable little man. but you always follow my voice too and will turn to me when i talk ( i secretly like this cos i know you havent forgotten about me just cos someone else is giving you beautiful cuddles).

you love sitting on my knee and we bounce along to 'wind the bobbin up' and the 'wheels on the bus'. you smile so big when we sing and bounce and now your eyebrows dance along too.

when you sit cooing and talking to me, your full face moves now with so much expression. your funny little eyebrows wriggle around your forehead and your nose twitches whilst your nostrils flare. your mouth takes on new shapes with new noises escaping every day..... its a wonderful feeling as all my senses take in your beautiful actions.

on a night time your fall asleep on my breast after your night time feed, snuggled in you drift off int a quiet slumber. i lay you in your crib, tunr on the monitor and wander downstairs for some mummy time only to be called back up half an hour later by your cries. real cries now, with real tears that form in the corners of your eyes. but again, as soon as i scoop you into my arms you peer at me as if to say 'there you are mummy, where did you go?' and how can i resist another cuddle with you when your big smile screams innocence and a need for huggles. you will only be a baby for such a short time of your life, i intend to cherish every second of it i can.

i think its fair to say my darling baby, that your beautiful smile makes me fall in love with you just a little bit more everytime, even though every time i think i couldnt possibly love you more then i do in that second.

love from your mummy xxx