It's been done time since I last made an entry here, I guess running around after a toddler leaves little time in the day for much else. Being a mummy is far more then I could have ever imagined. Finley surprises me by the day with all that he learns; he is a true inspiration to me and gives me strength I never knew I had. Out of his already extensive vocabulary my favourite word continues to be "mummy" (I write that with a smile the size of my face :-D )
So in February we saw our ivf unit and began the process again. It's been a long road to get started as we have made the decision to egg share.this meant a lot of tests and counselling but we finally got there. It seems we accepted the egg sharing easier then our relatives. My mother in law in particular seems to struggle with our decision and she has mentioned a few times about me having mini becky's running around the city we live in. I guess I made peace with the egg sharing part of things a lot easier then I did having to embark on ivf again. For me I am giving another woman the opportunity to try and hold a baby of her own. My mum told me she is very proud of me for this.
So I started down regging 9 days ago. The first few days were a bit nightmarish.... horrendous mood, feeling very irritable, extremely lethargic and just generally emotional about the whole process. But things finally called down and not I am just feeling achey and my tummy feels sore from the injections but I'm getting there. So just need to keep going until period comes and I can start drumming. Really need to kick this negativity I have first.
Sunday, 28 July 2013
Saturday, 15 December 2012
28/09/2012 time to juggle
October 2010... we had just returned from an amazing 17 days in Hong Kong and
Thailand. A fantastic honeymoon, that had followed a perfect wedding. Not many
people knew at the time, but we never knew if we would become parents, wether or
not our 2 would become 3 or 4. IVF had been suggested as our only way forward
and so we had jumped on that track. 3 years ttc and then treatment spread across
3 months resulted in our BFP!!! 9 months felt like a life time but finally i
held our amazing baby boy in my arms on 5th November 2011.
Fast forward almost 11 months, and when i say fast forward i mean whizz through it because thats how it felt, and we're here. 2 days off 1st October, my return to work date. how come it took so long to get our precious boy, but the days he is here just go by in a rushed blur?
i keep telling myself i am lucky, i only have to go back to work 2 1/2 days per week. 18.5 hours.... it not even a full day in a week and i get to spend the rest of the time with my baby boy, but right now that doesnt seem enough. the longest we have been apart was when i went away for the weekend and after hearing his little giggles turn into cries when he could no longer hear my voice on the phone i broke and returned from our trip early. he's had a couple of overnight stays with nanna and grandma but never have i left him 2 days on the trot, never mind 3. ive now questioned how ive managed recent weeks. maybe i should have got us both used to being apart a bit more but i wanted to treasure every last second with him i had before going back to work so i didnt do this.
tonight i cradled him in my arms, as he fell asleep tears tumbled down my face. like those early days when he was just born, i found myself watching him breathe, waching his tiny chest rise and fall. in my head i was shouting 'but you're still so small'. surely its not right that i should be leaving him already? how much will i miss? how much will i miss him? and how much will he miss me?
my hubby reminded me that i still get to spend lots of time with him and i will always get to spend more time with him then he does. this didnt stop m protesting to my mother in law that im just not ready to leave him. but she was right when she told me i would never be ready. even if i waited another 6 months, this still wouldnt be enough.
so starting monday 1st october at 8.30 am i begin my juggling act: part time worker whilst doing my very best to still be a full time mummy too.
Fast forward almost 11 months, and when i say fast forward i mean whizz through it because thats how it felt, and we're here. 2 days off 1st October, my return to work date. how come it took so long to get our precious boy, but the days he is here just go by in a rushed blur?
i keep telling myself i am lucky, i only have to go back to work 2 1/2 days per week. 18.5 hours.... it not even a full day in a week and i get to spend the rest of the time with my baby boy, but right now that doesnt seem enough. the longest we have been apart was when i went away for the weekend and after hearing his little giggles turn into cries when he could no longer hear my voice on the phone i broke and returned from our trip early. he's had a couple of overnight stays with nanna and grandma but never have i left him 2 days on the trot, never mind 3. ive now questioned how ive managed recent weeks. maybe i should have got us both used to being apart a bit more but i wanted to treasure every last second with him i had before going back to work so i didnt do this.
tonight i cradled him in my arms, as he fell asleep tears tumbled down my face. like those early days when he was just born, i found myself watching him breathe, waching his tiny chest rise and fall. in my head i was shouting 'but you're still so small'. surely its not right that i should be leaving him already? how much will i miss? how much will i miss him? and how much will he miss me?
my hubby reminded me that i still get to spend lots of time with him and i will always get to spend more time with him then he does. this didnt stop m protesting to my mother in law that im just not ready to leave him. but she was right when she told me i would never be ready. even if i waited another 6 months, this still wouldnt be enough.
so starting monday 1st october at 8.30 am i begin my juggling act: part time worker whilst doing my very best to still be a full time mummy too.
18/8/2012 first words
well my little chatter box you have started saying actual words rather then just
babbling. You are only 10 months old and i am super proud of you. You've been
saying dada, mama, hiya and bye bye for a while. But last Tuesday we were
walking when you suddenly pointed and shouted "doddy". There behind us was a big
doggy also out for a walk. The following evening when watching cbeebies a number
of dogs came up on the screen and very excitedly you shouted "DOGGY" !!!!
Since then we have 2 new words, daddy isn't very happy about one of them though.... The first one is "dirty", whenever you pick anything up off the floor you look at me and say "dirty", i must tell you this a lot.
But the one daddy doesnt like came about on Sunday night. It was bath time and we were waiting for daddy to come up to bath you so i shouted his name. You sat waiting for him at the top of the stairs and when he didn't come up, you pulled yourself up on the safety gate and shouted "MIKE". Mummy couldn't stop laughing at you. And since then you crawl around lookin for him shouting "MIKE". Oooops.
Think like you're mummy, you're going to be a chatterbox :-)
Lots of love my lickle man Xxxx
Since then we have 2 new words, daddy isn't very happy about one of them though.... The first one is "dirty", whenever you pick anything up off the floor you look at me and say "dirty", i must tell you this a lot.
But the one daddy doesnt like came about on Sunday night. It was bath time and we were waiting for daddy to come up to bath you so i shouted his name. You sat waiting for him at the top of the stairs and when he didn't come up, you pulled yourself up on the safety gate and shouted "MIKE". Mummy couldn't stop laughing at you. And since then you crawl around lookin for him shouting "MIKE". Oooops.
Think like you're mummy, you're going to be a chatterbox :-)
Lots of love my lickle man Xxxx
10/9/2012 - meal time anxieties
ive never been someone who checks the food labels on products before buying
them, never been interested in the calorie content, how much sugar or fat is in
a product. if i looked good i bought it and ate it.
now i find myself walking round morrisons with my head in a daze wondering where to even start. when finley was diagnosd with cows milk protein allergy at 7/8 months and then wthin 24 hours a soya allergy also, meal times as i knew them completely changed.
until that point, weaning had been fun; trying hin with different fruit and vegetables, eating a whole slice of toast and then asking for more, wolfing down his yoghurts like they were going out of fashion. but the more foods we introduced the more his symptoms became apparent. it started with blood in a runny poo one day, the gp wasnt concerned and said he'd probably just had an uset tummy. although the blood didnt make many more appearances, over the fokloiwng 3 weeks the poos became more filled with mucous and then runnier by the day. it would explode out of him, all over his clothes, up his back, down his legs.. it was everywhere. he would be sick frequentlty throughout the day, just looked like watered down milk, didnt bother him when he brought it up but it soiled even more clothes. then to top that off was his little cough, wheezy chest, runny nose and of course his eczema. even after a 1lb loss in a week the gp kept saying it was just a bug and he was probably almost clear of it.
The final straw came the friday when we travelled to birmigham to meet some of our lovely friends. we took 4 outfits with us that day and by the time we walked through the front door he was just in a nappy. i decided that night to stop all dairy. it was the only thing i could think of. so off the formula, we went back to breastfeeding and over the next 24 hours we had nothing that contained dairy. he was sick a few times, but 36 hours later we had a poo that was on the way to being solid.
we moved gps and saw a new one first thing monday morning who prescribed him soya milk. after protesting over him having this due to associations with infertility, we were advised to give him back the dairy for 2-3 days then take in a poo sample for lactose intolerance testing. apparently he was unable to prescribe anything else due to it being too expensive. 1 bottle and he threw the lot up all over me and then screamed for an hour. i called my hv and broke down. we saw her that day and she advised us to give him the soya milk until she coud get another milk sorted, agreeing with me that he shouldnt be on it long term, not just because of the infertility risks but also as it is not recomended for under 1s.
within 24 hours of introducing soya his little body was covered in the worst eczema break out he has had. it was so red and he was just so unhappy with himself. again i called the hv and said i just couldnt do this to him. we were referred that day to a dietician for an urgent assessment and the gp prescribed us the 'expensive' hypoallergenic formula.
it took almost 2 weeks for his symptoms to clear, not fully but almost and by this point my head was buzzing with what foods he couldnt have. it quickly became clear that anything tomoatoe based was what had been causing the screaming episodes and tummy ache so that was also swiftly executed from his diet.
so here we are, 2 months on and i feel completely and utterly ovrwhelmed by meal times. i can spend 30 minutes in a shop reading labels before i have had enough and have to leave, usually emprty handed. the symptoms come and go as we try new foods and it seems no 'bread' product is agreeing with his little sensitive body. we have so far ruled out bread (due to soya content), bagels, crumpets and pitta bread due to sickness following them and then this weekend dairy and soya free bread has left him with another eczema breakout and swelling around his eyes.
i feel useless as a mother. i cant even prepare a meal without it sending my head into a spin. of course he never goes without and we are managing to maintain his weight now but i want to go back to the days were we just picked foods up and gave it to him, not spy him out the window about to eat his cousins dairylea dunker and have to dive out the door to take it from him because no on else seems to take it seriously. "he'll grow out of it"
so plan of action, focus on what he CAN eat.
gone are the days where we can eat freely, but hopefully we can get some fun back into meal times and make them feel like less of a chore.
xx
now i find myself walking round morrisons with my head in a daze wondering where to even start. when finley was diagnosd with cows milk protein allergy at 7/8 months and then wthin 24 hours a soya allergy also, meal times as i knew them completely changed.
until that point, weaning had been fun; trying hin with different fruit and vegetables, eating a whole slice of toast and then asking for more, wolfing down his yoghurts like they were going out of fashion. but the more foods we introduced the more his symptoms became apparent. it started with blood in a runny poo one day, the gp wasnt concerned and said he'd probably just had an uset tummy. although the blood didnt make many more appearances, over the fokloiwng 3 weeks the poos became more filled with mucous and then runnier by the day. it would explode out of him, all over his clothes, up his back, down his legs.. it was everywhere. he would be sick frequentlty throughout the day, just looked like watered down milk, didnt bother him when he brought it up but it soiled even more clothes. then to top that off was his little cough, wheezy chest, runny nose and of course his eczema. even after a 1lb loss in a week the gp kept saying it was just a bug and he was probably almost clear of it.
The final straw came the friday when we travelled to birmigham to meet some of our lovely friends. we took 4 outfits with us that day and by the time we walked through the front door he was just in a nappy. i decided that night to stop all dairy. it was the only thing i could think of. so off the formula, we went back to breastfeeding and over the next 24 hours we had nothing that contained dairy. he was sick a few times, but 36 hours later we had a poo that was on the way to being solid.
we moved gps and saw a new one first thing monday morning who prescribed him soya milk. after protesting over him having this due to associations with infertility, we were advised to give him back the dairy for 2-3 days then take in a poo sample for lactose intolerance testing. apparently he was unable to prescribe anything else due to it being too expensive. 1 bottle and he threw the lot up all over me and then screamed for an hour. i called my hv and broke down. we saw her that day and she advised us to give him the soya milk until she coud get another milk sorted, agreeing with me that he shouldnt be on it long term, not just because of the infertility risks but also as it is not recomended for under 1s.
within 24 hours of introducing soya his little body was covered in the worst eczema break out he has had. it was so red and he was just so unhappy with himself. again i called the hv and said i just couldnt do this to him. we were referred that day to a dietician for an urgent assessment and the gp prescribed us the 'expensive' hypoallergenic formula.
it took almost 2 weeks for his symptoms to clear, not fully but almost and by this point my head was buzzing with what foods he couldnt have. it quickly became clear that anything tomoatoe based was what had been causing the screaming episodes and tummy ache so that was also swiftly executed from his diet.
so here we are, 2 months on and i feel completely and utterly ovrwhelmed by meal times. i can spend 30 minutes in a shop reading labels before i have had enough and have to leave, usually emprty handed. the symptoms come and go as we try new foods and it seems no 'bread' product is agreeing with his little sensitive body. we have so far ruled out bread (due to soya content), bagels, crumpets and pitta bread due to sickness following them and then this weekend dairy and soya free bread has left him with another eczema breakout and swelling around his eyes.
i feel useless as a mother. i cant even prepare a meal without it sending my head into a spin. of course he never goes without and we are managing to maintain his weight now but i want to go back to the days were we just picked foods up and gave it to him, not spy him out the window about to eat his cousins dairylea dunker and have to dive out the door to take it from him because no on else seems to take it seriously. "he'll grow out of it"
so plan of action, focus on what he CAN eat.
- he inhales fruit so no problems there.
- vegetables he enjoys too.
- chicken
- sausages
- jelly
- pasta
- rice
- potatoes
- fishfingers
gone are the days where we can eat freely, but hopefully we can get some fun back into meal times and make them feel like less of a chore.
xx
31/8/2012 another 2 months on...
well my little man, yet again i have gone almost 2 months before writing to
you again. i dont know where the time goes these days, it really does fly when
you're having fun.
to be completely honest with you finley, i think you are the only thing thats kept me sane over the past few months. we are inbetwen houses and after spending a month with nanna what and gdog's, we have spent the past 2 months at nutty grannys and dadad dunks. we havent had our own space and have mostly been living out of bags. most of mummy and dadys things are in storage and that includes all of mummys clothes and shoes. you have everything here though, well more then everything because you are absolutley spoilt rotten by everybody.
to be really honest i feel like my life has been on hold for the past few months, i havent felt like i could sit and relax for 5 minutes because i am under peoples feet all the time. its not ideal and its not how i imagined we would spend the first year of your life, but its what we had to do to allow us to move into a nice new family home. the house sale is going through now though and hopefully we will be in the house in the next 4-6 weeks. sadly the move is very bitter sweet for mummy, because not only does it mean we finally get ourselves a new home and get our space back ready to watch you meet all your next milestones in our new family home, but it also means mummy has to leave you and go back to work. after 13 months off i have to leave you for 2 and half days a week and go back to my work where i help other mummies and daddys with their children.
already i am most looking forward to getting home from working and having big snuggles with you. mondays and tuesdays i will only get to see you for a couple of hours before its your bed time. for a brief moment i thought i would keep you up later on those nights so we could spend more time together, but then i reminded myself that firstly that wouldnt be fair on you and your routine. but also, that daddy has only seen you for a couple of hours each night due to having to work since you were born, i never thought before about how hard this must be for him. so instead we will cherish our days off together and make sure we do lots and lots of fun things.
you're 10 months old next week. its also mummy and daddys 2nd wedding anniversary. i remember one night on our honeymoon, we were stuck in our villa as the rain was puring down and th streets had flooded. daddy and i decided to try and find and hold on to some 'hope'. it was 3 months since we had been told we needed ivf and we didnt know if we would ever get to hold you. so just for fun we had a look on the internet at some prams. mummy picked out a few that she liked whilst daddy protested saying they were far to expensive. i said you deserved the best set of first wheels as you would be our very special baby.... and that you are.
you are so cheeky, strong minded, confident and most of all happy. EVERYBODY comments on how much you smile. you show your now toothy grin to everyone who shows you any kind of attention and thos that dont, you shout at them until they do. you crawl super fast, you're up th stairs in a flash, you walk all the way around the sofas holding on because you've not realised yet you can do it without holding on.... you laugh and giggle, you shout for attention, you talk away to us like you know everything we're saying and like we understand everything you say back. you give big sloppy kisses, tongues and all hehe, we have to tell you to keep your tongue in. you give the best snuggles ever! you squeeze so tight like you're holding on so we never let go. i wont mention that you nip and bite and scratch as well hehe.
i forgot to mention weve been on a big family holidy and you went on an plane for the first time too. you absolutely loved swimming too whilst we were on holiday, you would try and drink the water.
until next time....
love you lots my baby xxx
to be completely honest with you finley, i think you are the only thing thats kept me sane over the past few months. we are inbetwen houses and after spending a month with nanna what and gdog's, we have spent the past 2 months at nutty grannys and dadad dunks. we havent had our own space and have mostly been living out of bags. most of mummy and dadys things are in storage and that includes all of mummys clothes and shoes. you have everything here though, well more then everything because you are absolutley spoilt rotten by everybody.
to be really honest i feel like my life has been on hold for the past few months, i havent felt like i could sit and relax for 5 minutes because i am under peoples feet all the time. its not ideal and its not how i imagined we would spend the first year of your life, but its what we had to do to allow us to move into a nice new family home. the house sale is going through now though and hopefully we will be in the house in the next 4-6 weeks. sadly the move is very bitter sweet for mummy, because not only does it mean we finally get ourselves a new home and get our space back ready to watch you meet all your next milestones in our new family home, but it also means mummy has to leave you and go back to work. after 13 months off i have to leave you for 2 and half days a week and go back to my work where i help other mummies and daddys with their children.
already i am most looking forward to getting home from working and having big snuggles with you. mondays and tuesdays i will only get to see you for a couple of hours before its your bed time. for a brief moment i thought i would keep you up later on those nights so we could spend more time together, but then i reminded myself that firstly that wouldnt be fair on you and your routine. but also, that daddy has only seen you for a couple of hours each night due to having to work since you were born, i never thought before about how hard this must be for him. so instead we will cherish our days off together and make sure we do lots and lots of fun things.
you're 10 months old next week. its also mummy and daddys 2nd wedding anniversary. i remember one night on our honeymoon, we were stuck in our villa as the rain was puring down and th streets had flooded. daddy and i decided to try and find and hold on to some 'hope'. it was 3 months since we had been told we needed ivf and we didnt know if we would ever get to hold you. so just for fun we had a look on the internet at some prams. mummy picked out a few that she liked whilst daddy protested saying they were far to expensive. i said you deserved the best set of first wheels as you would be our very special baby.... and that you are.
you are so cheeky, strong minded, confident and most of all happy. EVERYBODY comments on how much you smile. you show your now toothy grin to everyone who shows you any kind of attention and thos that dont, you shout at them until they do. you crawl super fast, you're up th stairs in a flash, you walk all the way around the sofas holding on because you've not realised yet you can do it without holding on.... you laugh and giggle, you shout for attention, you talk away to us like you know everything we're saying and like we understand everything you say back. you give big sloppy kisses, tongues and all hehe, we have to tell you to keep your tongue in. you give the best snuggles ever! you squeeze so tight like you're holding on so we never let go. i wont mention that you nip and bite and scratch as well hehe.
i forgot to mention weve been on a big family holidy and you went on an plane for the first time too. you absolutely loved swimming too whilst we were on holiday, you would try and drink the water.
until next time....
love you lots my baby xxx
9/7/2012 8 months gone by
its 2 months since my last journal to you lickle moon and i really dont know
where to start.
the emotions i feel everyday at having you in my life are quite frankly indescribable. there isnt a day goes by when your actions invoke feelings of happiness, fear and excitement. when you first crawled and i lay there on my tummy filming those first clumsy movements; or when you one day just made your way over to the sofa and while i was enthralled in coversation with nanna you just grabbed the side and stood yourself up like it was something you have done everyday of your life; and even when yesterday you sat in your highchair and you reached out your biscuit to give me a bite, big gummy grin on your face, so happy to share with me..... all these moments a feeling of being so proud of you, proud to be your mummy, happy i got to witness you doing these things but scared that ill miss the next with the blink of an eye.
you are no longer my tiny baby laying in my arms, gazing up at me in wonderment of the big world. now you are a little boy, so much independence in all that you do, wether it be feeding yourself or sat happily playing with your toys. when we go to the playgroups and as i pop you down on the floor whilst i remove my shoes and bags, i turn around and your gone, other side of the room sat playing with the other babies and the toys in the room. you are filled with confidence and i hope i have instilled that in you.
having such a history with depression and anxiety and growing up in a home where this was quite apparent, my biggest hope was for you to not have the same experience. everyday i battle with my own fears and anxieties but to watch you smiling and happy and confident it assures me i am doing something right.
i enjoy the cuddles and the smiles you give to me, and me only. everybody says how youre a mummys boy, i dont care though. you are happy in the arms of others but i see the way you look at me and your daddy that you dont look at others that way. its me you search out when you have banged yourself playing or wehn you are hungry, or even when youre just wanting a big mummy cuddle.
we have being sent a new hurdle this last few weeks. as i weaned you from breast to bottle and gave you more formula by the day, you became incressingly unwell. you have been lethargic, snotty, coughing, wheezing, youve had diareah and vomiting and your eczema has flared up. today we saw the gp and believe it to be a dairy intolerance. so our new challenge is to manage your diet in a way to prevent all these horrible symptoms for you. already just removing the formula you have improved drastically.
i could sit and write to you all night finley, but im sure when you read these, if you ever want to read these, that me gushing all over the page about how much you mean to me will just embarass you ever so slightly.
the emotions i feel everyday at having you in my life are quite frankly indescribable. there isnt a day goes by when your actions invoke feelings of happiness, fear and excitement. when you first crawled and i lay there on my tummy filming those first clumsy movements; or when you one day just made your way over to the sofa and while i was enthralled in coversation with nanna you just grabbed the side and stood yourself up like it was something you have done everyday of your life; and even when yesterday you sat in your highchair and you reached out your biscuit to give me a bite, big gummy grin on your face, so happy to share with me..... all these moments a feeling of being so proud of you, proud to be your mummy, happy i got to witness you doing these things but scared that ill miss the next with the blink of an eye.
you are no longer my tiny baby laying in my arms, gazing up at me in wonderment of the big world. now you are a little boy, so much independence in all that you do, wether it be feeding yourself or sat happily playing with your toys. when we go to the playgroups and as i pop you down on the floor whilst i remove my shoes and bags, i turn around and your gone, other side of the room sat playing with the other babies and the toys in the room. you are filled with confidence and i hope i have instilled that in you.
having such a history with depression and anxiety and growing up in a home where this was quite apparent, my biggest hope was for you to not have the same experience. everyday i battle with my own fears and anxieties but to watch you smiling and happy and confident it assures me i am doing something right.
i enjoy the cuddles and the smiles you give to me, and me only. everybody says how youre a mummys boy, i dont care though. you are happy in the arms of others but i see the way you look at me and your daddy that you dont look at others that way. its me you search out when you have banged yourself playing or wehn you are hungry, or even when youre just wanting a big mummy cuddle.
we have being sent a new hurdle this last few weeks. as i weaned you from breast to bottle and gave you more formula by the day, you became incressingly unwell. you have been lethargic, snotty, coughing, wheezing, youve had diareah and vomiting and your eczema has flared up. today we saw the gp and believe it to be a dairy intolerance. so our new challenge is to manage your diet in a way to prevent all these horrible symptoms for you. already just removing the formula you have improved drastically.
i could sit and write to you all night finley, but im sure when you read these, if you ever want to read these, that me gushing all over the page about how much you mean to me will just embarass you ever so slightly.
Monday, 14 May 2012
is not knowing better?
for 3 years every month i would convince myself i was pregnant..... my periods would be late AGAIN so of course this month was our month, but no, it never was. since having finley my periods have regulated themsleves, no more 50odd day cycles so far.
we made the decision to re-refer for our next round of ivf in january next year, but then also agreed to start trying again naturally because 'who knows' maybe we could be one of those lucky ones that it happens to. so this month around ovulation time we got jiggy a few times ;-) my 2ww symptoms from my pregnancy with finley then followed like clockwork. increased cm continued, pain in my boobs that shot through radiating into my nipples, heavy boobs, tiredness causing me to feel sleepy in an afternoon. then came the nose of a bloodhound, retching at the smell of my dads pork sandwhich and then the sickness followed later that day. even came down with an infction, last time it was a chest infection, this time a severe urinary tract infection. still 2 days off my due date i think we both became a little excited over the 'what if' until it all ended by the bright red blood staining my brand new pair of knickers. Not this month then!
we didnt even make it to test date to find out if this was just a random bunch of symptoms making us believe what anyone who has encountered the ivf train wants to believe, or if we had in fact just experienced our second chemical pregnancy. would it have been worse to test positive first? im sure it would, but the not knowing makes me feel silly for being just a little bit upset over something that i dont even know we had.
after all those many many months of tears at every period, i WILL NOT get caught back up in this. we have Finley now, we treasure him so much and are thankful every day for what we have. so how do you go about trying to conceive naturally after infertility has meant the only way of conceiving was through ivf. is it even worth trying or do we resign ourselves to the fact we can only make babies with a little bit of help?
we made the decision to re-refer for our next round of ivf in january next year, but then also agreed to start trying again naturally because 'who knows' maybe we could be one of those lucky ones that it happens to. so this month around ovulation time we got jiggy a few times ;-) my 2ww symptoms from my pregnancy with finley then followed like clockwork. increased cm continued, pain in my boobs that shot through radiating into my nipples, heavy boobs, tiredness causing me to feel sleepy in an afternoon. then came the nose of a bloodhound, retching at the smell of my dads pork sandwhich and then the sickness followed later that day. even came down with an infction, last time it was a chest infection, this time a severe urinary tract infection. still 2 days off my due date i think we both became a little excited over the 'what if' until it all ended by the bright red blood staining my brand new pair of knickers. Not this month then!
we didnt even make it to test date to find out if this was just a random bunch of symptoms making us believe what anyone who has encountered the ivf train wants to believe, or if we had in fact just experienced our second chemical pregnancy. would it have been worse to test positive first? im sure it would, but the not knowing makes me feel silly for being just a little bit upset over something that i dont even know we had.
after all those many many months of tears at every period, i WILL NOT get caught back up in this. we have Finley now, we treasure him so much and are thankful every day for what we have. so how do you go about trying to conceive naturally after infertility has meant the only way of conceiving was through ivf. is it even worth trying or do we resign ourselves to the fact we can only make babies with a little bit of help?
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